Denial from brother

[susanandliam]

I've been through a nightmare the last few months.

I have taken a sabbatical from work as I was concerned about my Mums decline and ongoing UTI's and her safety.

I've only been able to get home twice in the last five months to see my husband and family as I'm so far from home.

My brother is in denial of how bad Mum is and I have had to get Social Care involved and eventually the mental health care team ( I didn't realise Social Care didn't communicate with the mental health care team) to assess Mum to tell him how bad she is and that she's not safe living here on her own!

He only lives half an hour up the road from her and does precious little to help. He has given me no support since I have got here and queries /criticises everything I do. To the point he checks up with the Drs, therapists etc. as to what they've said even when I've told him!

He doesn't seem interested in what is best for our Mum it appears to be more a case of trying to prove me wrong. His latest thing is that she has deteriated since I've been down here!

So we had a meeting where the mental health team have stated that my Mum is not safe to live on her own. No surprise to me whatsoever I knew this before I came down but how sad that I have been put through all this because of my brother. This was the third meeting but one with care workers etc. involved.

However now he doesn't want her to go into a care home near me he wants to have her near him. He has made no effort to look at homes despite me asking him to well over a month ago whereas I have looked at five.

Social care were going on about as Mum has lived in this area it would be better for her to stay here. Surely as long as she is in a good home with plenty of visitors particularly as she has Alzheimer's does it matter where in the country she is?!

My gut reaction is she would be better near me I could go in and shower her and she would get plenty of visits from myself and my family which is unlikely to happen here.

I am however so stressed now I have been diagnosed with stress and depression and my hair has started to fall out. I don't think I can take much more. It has been hard enough to cope with Mum but it has been my brother that has and is causing all the stress.

I am on Mums sofa now as we were told she shouldn't be left on her own unable to sleep.

I am taking Mum home for Christmas but think I will just have to let things go with regard to where Mum goes as I fear for my own health.

I would appreciate feedback and to hear from anyone else who has been through this situation.

 

[poster]

When my dad died about 6 years ago my mum was not safe to live on her own and she was put in a care home. Would this be an option?

 

[Ozzy71]

I'm really new to this so others will have better advice. All I know is that it is really hard but you have to take care of yourself too.

I really have no idea about the systems etc but my dad is currently in an assessment unit to help us know where the best place for him is. I wonder if this would be available for you?

 

[Chemmy]

I would go with your gut feeling and move her near you if at all possible. My mum only went out of her CH if I took her, so the 'familiar geographical location' is a red herring, in my view. The quality of care is paramount, particularly the attitude of the staff.

Is she self-funding? Have you had a chance to look for somewhere suitable nearby? What if you didn't simply return her to her old home after Christmas

What's your brother's problem? Often it's concern that an inheritance is disappearing before their eyes.

 

[Pear trees]

My brother lives 5 minutes from my mother but has never visited or spoken to her in over 3 years, because he can no longer 'borrow ' her money; I have POA. I arrange carers/cleaner/lunch clubs etc, and do extra cleaning/washing/gp visits on my regular visits (at least once a week). I live an hour's drive away. She is self funding and I receive attendance allowance to help pay for carers. He is simply not interested in anything to do with her care that costs money. Luckily my SIL will visit 2/3times a week to help out.
I am looking at homes, and when the time comes shortly I will simply choose the right one for her and move her nearer to me without him knowing.

 

[Grannie G]

I agree with Chemmy. The geographical location has no meaning once someone is in residential care. What is most important are regular visits from familiar faces.

 

[little shettie]

I can relate to brother in denial, I have 3 of them!! I know what I would do, I would have my mum live near me. I don't understand why SS are saying she would be better living in the area she knows. Why? Unlikely she can go out alone isn't it? They talk such rubbish at times. I would take the bull by the horns and just insist mum is near you so you can be there for her, but you haven't got the strain of all the other stuff as she will be well looked after. I know all about strain, cared for my dad when he got ill and then mum after her diagnosis of AZ so 8 years in total, driving back and forth day in day out, an hour and a half round trip around the M25!! My mum now lives with us but that was a battle as my brothers thought we were just after her money!!! As someone suggested, maybe it is the money that concerns your brother. I have tried so hard get my brothers to help even a little but they never even phone mum anymore and she knows they don't. I cannot work them out at all. Anyway sorry to ramble, hope you get mum sorted xx

 

[Quilty]

I think go with your gut. Your brother has not been involved so far and that is not likely to change. When your mum gies into care allow the carers to do their job. Allow yourself to recover and be a daughter again. She will be safe and a huge burden will lift from you. I had the same situation as you with my sister. I live near mum. We both do. Also if you move her closer to you then you will see even less of your brother. That will also help you recover from all of this. We have your back. Stay strong for your mum.

 

[susanandliam]

I think go with your gut. Your brother has not been involved so far and that is not likely to change. When your mum gies into care allow the carers to do their job. Allow yourself to recover and be a daughter again. She will be safe and a huge burden will lift from you. I had the same situation as you with my sister. I live near mum. We both do. Also if you move her closer to you then you will see even less of your brother. That will also help you recover from all of this. We have your back. Stay strong for your mum.

Thank you, I just worry that he will take her out of the home if I put her into one.

He comes once a week if that, has her round for lunch now and again and just keeps saying she's fine it's unbelievable!

 

[Quilty]

Work with social services and explain your point of view. Get them to argue with your brother. Do either of you have power of attorney or guardianship? Maybe you will have to do that.

 

[susanandliam]

I can relate to brother in denial, I have 3 of them!! I know what I would do, I would have my mum live near me. I don't understand why SS are saying she would be better living in the area she knows. Why? Unlikely she can go out alone isn't it? They talk such rubbish at times. I would take the bull by the horns and just insist mum is near you so you can be there for her, but you haven't got the strain of all the other stuff as she will be well looked after. I know all about strain, cared for my dad when he got ill and then mum after her diagnosis of AZ so 8 years in total, driving back and forth day in day out, an hour and a half round trip around the M25!! My mum now lives with us but that was a battle as my brothers thought we were just after her money!!! As someone suggested, maybe it is the money that concerns your brother. I have tried so hard get my brothers to help even a little but they never even phone mum anymore and she knows they don't. I cannot work them out at all. Anyway sorry to ramble, hope you get mum sorted xx

Thank you it does help to hear from others.

Social services just shilly shally around they suggested one home in the area and I said I didn't think they took people with Alzheimer's.

Thought I'd phone them up anyway and the home sounded most uncomfortable when I asked the question and said they would only accept if very mild impairment!

 

[susanandliam]

Work with social services and explain your point of view. Get them to argue with your brother. Do either of you have power of attorney or guardianship? Maybe you will have to do that.

Yes we both have shared and several LPA social care are so concerned about being impartial rather than anything else. They just say if we don't agree it will have to go to the office of the Public Guardian.

To be honest I'm completely worn out by it all, it's been such a strain getting to this point that I'm not sure I can take anymore.

 

[susanandliam]

When my dad died about 6 years ago my mum was not safe to live on her own and she was put in a care home. Would this be an option?

Thank you. Sorry at the meeting it was agreed that she should go into a home but now he's quibbling about where. Having made absolutely no effort to look at any.

 

[susanandliam]

I would go with your gut feeling and move her near you if at all possible. My mum only went out of her CH if I took her, so the 'familiar geographical location' is a red herring, in my view. The quality of care is paramount, particularly the attitude of the staff.

Is she self-funding? Have you had a chance to look for somewhere suitable nearby? What if you didn't simply return her to her old home after Christmas

What's your brother's problem? Often it's concern that an inheritance is disappearing before their eyes.

Thanks for you advice, well this is what I couldn't understand. As you say she would only be going out of the home of she went with someone and she doesn't remember where she's been anyway!

She thinks she's only just moved onto her home and she's been here over 20 years! I could understand if it was a case that Mum didn't have memory loss that it would be better to stay in the area you know but with her condition it just seemed a stupid thing to say!

She is self funding so she can go wherever. We've both got joint and several LPA.

I have no idea what my brothers problem is I'm pretty sure it's not the money as he would have been quite happy to waste mums money on a brand new kitchen and carpets unless I had intervened which Mum didn't want or need.

I seriously wonder whether he just can't/won't accept it and it's turned into a fight between him and me . All he keeps saying is she's fine perfectly safe to go up the town even though she keeps falling over, perfectly ok to draw money out. Everyone involved has told him that she lacks mental capacity and he's still avoiding things.

I asked him to look at homes at the beginning of November and got no response. I've looked at five and told him about one that was really nice no response at all!

 

[jan.s]

I would agree with Chemmy. Bring Mum to your home for Christmas and then find a good home near to you and don't take her back to her own home.

Your brother isn't looking at Mum's best interests by insisting that she lives at home where she is unsafe, and hasn't made any effort to find a good care home.

If it were me, I would go with my own judgements and let your brother do what he needs to do to reverse your decision. I'm sure he won't because that takes too much effort.

Only my thoughts. J x

 

[Risa]

To be honest, I think you should do what suits you best as your brother has made no effort whatsoever and while it is easy for him to be in denial about your Mum's health, he doesn't seem to be bothered how caring for her is affecting your life.

It's not just your opinion that your Mum needs more care, the professional are saying the same thing. If you have found a nice care home, then if I were in your shoes I would start making arrangements to move Mum as things can't continue as they are. Your brother might not like it but I really wonder if he will exert himself to do anything about it?

 

[canary]

I agree with the others, the geographical location doesnt matter, whats important is having visitors.
If you found a nice CH near you and moved her into it would he actually take the trouble to find another one and make the arrangements to move her? He has done nothing so far and I dont see that changing. Once she is in a CH that meets her needs and she is receiving visitors it will become very difficult for him to argue for a move. He will probably object before the move, but if he is challenged to find an alternative then I think it likely that he wont and she will end up near you.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

I agree that having her nearer to you makes a lot of sense but I think it would be best for SS or whoever (not you, obviously) to explain to your brother in detail and preferably a hard copy too, that your mother can no longer live on her own as she is vulnerable. Perhaps if he heard it from a professional, it might sink in. The fact that he's in denial must be so frustrating but consider the emotional pain he must be in.

 

[Sianey]

I've been through a nightmare the last few months.

I have taken a sabbatical from work as I was concerned about my Mums decline and ongoing UTI's and her safety.

I've only been able to get home twice in the last five months to see my husband and family as I'm so far from home.

My brother is in denial of how bad Mum is and I have had to get Social Care involved and eventually the mental health care team ( I didn't realise Social Care didn't communicate with the mental health care team) to assess Mum to tell him how bad she is and that she's not safe living here on her own!

He only lives half an hour up the road from her and does precious little to help. He has given me no support since I have got here and queries /criticises everything I do. To the point he checks up with the Drs, therapists etc. as to what they've said even when I've told him!

He doesn't seem interested in what is best for our Mum it appears to be more a case of trying to prove me wrong. His latest thing is that she has deteriated since I've been down here!

So we had a meeting where the mental health team have stated that my Mum is not safe to live on her own. No surprise to me whatsoever I knew this before I came down but how sad that I have been put through all this because of my brother. This was the third meeting but one with care workers etc. involved.

However now he doesn't want her to go into a care home near me he wants to have her near him. He has made no effort to look at homes despite me asking him to well over a month ago whereas I have looked at five.

Social care were going on about as Mum has lived in this area it would be better for her to stay here. Surely as long as she is in a good home with plenty of visitors particularly as she has Alzheimer's does it matter where in the country she is?!

My gut reaction is she would be better near me I could go in and shower her and she would get plenty of visits from myself and my family which is unlikely to happen here.

I am however so stressed now I have been diagnosed with stress and depression and my hair has started to fall out. I don't think I can take much more. It has been hard enough to cope with Mum but it has been my brother that has and is causing all the stress.

I am on Mums sofa now as we were told she shouldn't be left on her own unable to sleep.

I am taking Mum home for Christmas but think I will just have to let things go with regard to where Mum goes as I fear for my own health.

I would appreciate feedback and to hear from anyone else who has been through this situation.

I can sympathise as it sounds exactly how my situation has been right from day one.

One thing I have learnt is look at homes, I was pushed into placing Mam immediately due to her wandering and setting the microwave alight, the social worker placed Mam in her village which is 32 miles away from me. I think your parent should be placed to the person who will do the most for her, visiting her, any appointments and of course her money and then in the end seeing to any house, it sounds like your brother will tire of things.

It's too late for me but how I wished I'd placed Mam within cycling distance. I also didn't look look round enough homes, it wasn't my fault, I realise that I think we have so much to deal with by just placing them to be safe that it's harder seeing into the future, and I'm sure it must be harder to move them once settled. I don't think it matters that they are placed where they lived as once the initial journey is over to it I don't think if they have dementia surely they notice. I know my Mam now wouldn't of noticed. She doesn't recognise she is in her village she lived in for 50 years.

It's difficult for you as on top of the stress you could do without your brother offering no support.

X