1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. SHANDY

    SHANDY Registered User

    Jan 24, 2007
    26
    hi,

    went to see mum last night in nursing home, the last two nights she has told me she has'nt been to the toilet all day, last night before we left about 7.30pm i asked her did she need the toilet and she said 'yes' when she stood up she was soaked, because she wears pads ,she is not asking for the loo and no one is asking her, we are hesitant about complaining, however, my mom is so disgusted with herself and demoralised. any advice would be helpful.


    keep the faith


    shandy
     
  2. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    Ask them. What is their procedure? how often do they take her? surely they must be used to people who don't ask.
     
  3. Hello Shandy

    I've several years' experience with nursing homes and seen just about everything good and bad.

    Sadly, residents not getting to the toilet regularly has been a common theme. A friend of the family told us about her mother who actually refused to drink simply because she was unable to get to the toilet often enough. As a result she had repeated infections.

    In my opinion there are minor niggles you can let go or work around yourself (although you feel you shouldn't have to) and then there are the more significant concerns you have to meet head on. We learned to let the niggles go, usually, but have been politely firm again and again and again when we had grounds for concern. Generally we tried not to came across as confrontational (though I do have a short fuse!).

    If you have cause for concern about anything significant that affects your mother's quality of life I'd recommend mentioning it to the senior staff as soon as possible. On the whole too many workers in nursing homes much prefer the status quo, but relatives must be persistent without coming across unreasonable or unfair. At the end of the day they are there to care professionally for your mother. You have a right to high standards.

    So, by your consistent approach and comments let them know you are very attentive and as a family you expect ongoing quality care. They will soon get the message.

    :)
     
  4. SHANDY

    SHANDY Registered User

    Jan 24, 2007
    26
    demoralised

    thank all for your replies, i will try to resolve this matter, it breaks my heart as she was always such a proud woman, even when i was caring for her and helping her with her toiletries, she always said she didn't want me to do it.


    thanks for the advice


    shandy
     
  5. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Shandy,
    I know the NH my mum is in has a regualr routine for making sure everyone is toileted - usually before meals. If clients are able to request to go in between, then they are taken. Mum should not be sitting in wet things, and if that is happening the NH should be as concerned as you are. I don't think you will have a problem, as long as it doesn't come over as a criticism.
    Love Helen
     
  6. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,668
    Kent
    Hi Shandy,

    It must have been really upsetting for you, seeing your mother in such a state, but the only way you can get to the bottom of it is to ask.

    There may be many reasons, either;
    Residents are not toileted regularly, or
    They are expected to indicate when they want to go, or
    Your mother is asked if she wants to go and declines, or
    The care home is negligent.

    You need to know the routine of the home before you can make a judgement.

    I hope you get the information you need. Please let us know. Love Sylvia x
     
  7. nicetotalk

    nicetotalk Registered User

    Sep 22, 2006
    155
    stretford
    Hi
    just wanted to say if that was happening to a child it would be a different matter, In some of the care homesmy mum went in to for a week or so she always came home with sores on her bottom. She was in pads and there would be times we went there and the chair was wet through. The basic needs of a person seams to much sometimes for carers to help. It makes it worse when a loved one can not comunicate. I would not hesitate to just go and ask someone,



    kathy
     
  8. nicetotalk

    nicetotalk Registered User

    Sep 22, 2006
    155
    stretford
    Hi
    just wanted to say if that was happening to a child it would be a different matter, In some of the care homesmy mum went in to for a week or so she always came home with sores on her bottom. She was in pads and there would be times we went there and the chair was wet through. The basic needs of a person seams to much sometimes for carers to help. It makes it worse when a loved one can not comunicate. I would not hesitate to just go and ask someone,



    kathy
     
  9. cynron

    cynron Registered User

    Sep 26, 2005
    429
    east sussex
    not toilleted

    My husband cannot ask to go to the toilet but has been put in pads and appears to be just left to wee himself. When he was at home i would take him when i saw signs he wanted to go .These were simular to how a child would react,fidgeting etc.One day when i told the staff he needed the toilet they told me well he has pads on.this remark was made as they were all gathered together talking. It is difficult to show your annoyance as you worry they may take it out on your love one.

    Cynron x x
     
  10. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Cynron

    That's one of the reasons I don't want to put John in for respite. He's fully continent during the day, but can't ask for the toilet. He'd be so upset if he had to wet himself.
     
  11. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Cynron,
    Like you, when mum was at home we used to toilet her regularly - dad wold take her once an hour - that way she stayed dry (mainly)during the day. Since she went into the NH the toileting is less regular and mum is in pads.

    Love Helen
     
  12. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Skye,
    When mum went in for respite, the NH did everything that they could to maintain the routines that dad had established.
    When you are talking to NHs about respite, you need to ask how they would deal with toileting.
    Love Helen
     
  13. Libby

    Libby Registered User

    May 20, 2006
    625
    North East
    HI Shandy

    I think discussing a parents toilet habits is an awful thing to have to do.

    After all the recent sad posts, I felt the need to go and see Mum today in my lunch break. I just happened to go into her bathroom, and could tell straight away that she had had a bit of an accident on the toilet. I just couldn't bring myself to ask her if she'd managed to clean herself properley - like your mum, she used to be very proud.

    I chickened out and just told the staff who immediately arranged to have the toilet cleaned. They're also going to keep an eye out in case she has a case of the runs. But then Mum started asking what I was talking to the staff for!?

    Oh- the lies I tell :(

    Libs
     

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