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dementia

pumpkin31

Registered User
Mar 26, 2020
58
Thanks for all your replies to my previous post. There has been a DOLS put in place for my husband (never heard of it before) anyway hes tried to get out of the home on several occasions and the Dols has been put in place for his own safety. Keeps saying he wants to come home but its not our home he wants to be it where he lived with his parents.He has very short term memory and ive resorted to lying to him just to comfort him. Home said he needs 24 hr care but there are still some things he can do for himself. He still knows me as his wife and sometimes hes asking for his brothers and sisters that passed on years ago.A lot of the time hes screaming my name over and over but he can be very unsettled at nite and carers give him tea for comfort.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,500
N Ireland
Seeking the parental home is thought to be more about seeking that feeling of security experienced as a child in the parental home, rather than an actual place.

It does seem that your husband is anxious and confused so I hope he is being treated for that. My wife is medicated for both depression and anxiety as well as her dementia.

Dementia never stops throwing up new issues. Just this evening my wife said something that would indicate that she is now experiencing the Capgras Delusion as she checked with me about which Pete she was talking too.

I wish you strength - we both need lorry loads of it!
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
667
Devon
Thanks for all your replies to my previous post. There has been a DOLS put in place for my husband (never heard of it before) anyway hes tried to get out of the home on several occasions and the Dols has been put in place for his own safety. Keeps saying he wants to come home but its not our home he wants to be it where he lived with his parents.He has very short term memory and ive resorted to lying to him just to comfort him. Home said he needs 24 hr care but there are still some things he can do for himself. He still knows me as his wife and sometimes hes asking for his brothers and sisters that passed on years ago.A lot of the time hes screaming my name over and over but he can be very unsettled at nite and carers give him tea for comfort.
My wife was more or less the same towards the end. She didn’t know me as her husband which happened just over a weekend. Then after that she looked everywhere for her husband even making me go to our local hospital and asking staff.

She then packed numerous bags full of stuff and wanted to go to the bus stop and get a bus to where her parents used to live. She couldn’t get out because I put on another lock. In the end I had to get Social Services to arrange a care home.

I just didn’t have the will to carry on unlike some carers who seem to have managed for longer.

I see my wife at the home regularly but usually it’s too distressing for me to stay long especially now when I can’t go in.

Keep strong, keep posting and know you are among friends

peter
 

pumpkin31

Registered User
Mar 26, 2020
58
Hi thanks for all the replies very kind. My husband was like that when he started wandering he would put his slippers in a carrier bag along with his glasses and go out to see his parents whom have long since passed on.He went out one morning at 1 am looking for his parents in his pjas and the meds he was on didnt always work so he was awake half the nite so me sleeping with one eye open. This is such a cruel illness taking your loved ones away bit by bit.My husband was diagnosed in 2014 and i cared for him all that time but it was getting impossible as he could be violent and the language could be very colourful. T hen there was the shouting and agitation he was ok in the morning but late afternoon was a different story mood changes were quite scary.I know it wasnt him it was the dementia as he was a very placid man and a good man too. I did not want to put him in a home and feel very guilty for doing so as i suppose i could have managed a little longer even with my own health issues but the fact he started wandering late at nite felt it was the rite thing to do .And now i feel worse that i cant visit cause the home has been in lockdown for months.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
667
Devon
No matter how bad it’s been with dementia behaviour, wandering , shouting, threats, no self care, jealousy, aggression and loads more, no matter how bad it gets we still feel guilty and I felt I’d let my wife down. I could have soldiered on I suppose but I was just delaying the Inevitable.

The moment she left the house for the home I collapsed into a useless heap. What had I done?

Peter
 

pumpkin31

Registered User
Mar 26, 2020
58
Hi Dutchman,I felt the same way but things were getting out of hand that i could not control especially the wandering and aggression which was getting more frequent.I was getting no sleep and no rest at all. It was one eye on the door even though i had the doors alarmed he still managed somehow to get out and then the aggression started the swearing the physical abuse all got to much for me. I miss him terrible the house is so empty and not much get up and go and then i say to myself could i have carried on the way i was the simple answer is no my health was suffering and i was at carer burnout. somedays are better than others but now i take one day at a time its been nearly six months now since he went in the home but if i could have carried on i would have.The guilt is still there cause i feel i should have been caring for him but in the end you need to keep him safe and me too and the way things are at the moment with this virus it would have been hell to try and keep him indoors. Hope you are keeping well inspite of everything this lockdown is crazy and not been out in 10 weeks but i keep in touch by phone and facetime so he knows who i am cause the fact ive not seen him in such a long time he may forget who i am.