1. helenmdo

    helenmdo Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    3
    Hi there.

    My mum who is 88 has vascular dementia which seems to have taken a turn for the worse.
    She is living in warden controlled accommodation, has carers in three times a day (mainly to support me) and I go in each day or take her out shopping, day centre, meet friends etc. My main concern now is she doesn't recognise her home at all. I dread taking her out now because each time I take her home it is a trauma. She cries, shouts at me to take her to her "proper home". I have tried all tactics, but nothing works. She is so convinced we are trying to torment her (always had a strong personality) I really don't know what to do anymore.
    She packs bags, asks neighbours to take her home, rings me to take her home, every day this is happening now. She is so not happy and I don't know what the solution is.
    Can anyone help please, any advice?
     
  2. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,418
    You say she seems to have taken a turn for the worse. Have you had her checked to see if she has any form of infection (UTI is a common reason) or is constipated? Because either of those could produce this. But of course, vascular dementia is distinguished by "step-downs" so it could be that.

    I'm think that perhaps you need to be considering a care home TBH. When a person doesn't recognise their home, is seriously unhappy there, making everyone around her miserable perhaps this is the time. I'm not saying she will be happy in a care home, but you will know she is safe and she won't be driving everyone around her to distraction (not just you, but her neighbours who really can't be expected to take all this on board, particularly as I assume they are older themselves).
     
  3. helenmdo

    helenmdo Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    3
    Thanks for that.

    She hasn't got an infection and I know deep down a care home will/should be the next move it's just hard making that final decision.
     
  4. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    526
    British Isles
    Helen - even if you are not ready to take a decision just yet about care homes please do start looking. Places aren't instantly available in the good homes. Putting your mum's name on a waiting list doesn't mean that you have to accept a place as soon as she gets to the top of the list, if you then feel that she isn't ready for such a move.

    Some homes allow people on the waiting list to visit for lunches etc so that the move isn't such a big shock if/when it happens.

    If she is frequently very distressed perhaps you can ask for her medication to be reviewed in case there is something that can be adjusted to help her?

    Best wishes - it is so very hard trying to make decisions for a loved one.
     
  5. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,056
    GLASGOW
    If its any comfort my Mum did not recognise her home and was very scared as a result. She stopped leaving her bedroom and stopped eating and drinking which led to dehydration and confusion, a fall and all night on the floor. After several weeks in hospital she in now in a care home. On her "foggy" days she thinks she is on holiday. On good days she knows she in in a CH but tells me she is happy to be there.

    She might feel safe in a care home. Sell it as a holiday to start. It can work. Its worth a try. Keep strong.
     
  6. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,535
    North East England
    Would your mum be more settled if you simply stopped taking her on trips out? Is it coming back home that triggers this reaction, or is she like this all the time?

    Edit - apologies, I've just re-read your post and it seems it's the latter.
     

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