Dementia is a cruel disease

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Rodelinda, Oct 23, 2015.

  1. Rodelinda

    Rodelinda Registered User

    Jun 15, 2015
    172
    Suffolk
    I'm not seeking any support but just want to share something. My 89yr old mother has vascular dementia and lives with us; prior to her moving in in late 2011 I spent virtually every weekend with my father and her since early 2010 (he died later that year). About 2 months ago I finally decided we needed a break and investigated care homes locally; my mother came with me to see one and it is good and she said she'd be happy there for a couple of weeks. We've been preparing for the last month - we've talked a bit about it, we've done the questionnaire, we've discussed where we are going for a few days etc. She's been asking for the last few weeks when she was going away - and saying she wasn't looking forward to it and so on.

    I really try on the communication front - no arguing, trying not to say 'no', I no longer get irritated by constant repetition and questions. I also understand that the nature of the illness means that her reality is very different to mine as it doesn't rely on memory and all the social constructs we use all the time.

    But tonight she has been saying that I shouldn't have booked this without talking to her, I hadn't told her it was 2 weeks, etc etc. I can take that (just about) but it's just such a dreadful disease that robs an intelligent person (my mother has a 1st class honours degree in maths) of their memory, their reasoning, their understanding etc. I will plough on tomorrow but just wanted to share how this made me feel - sad, miserable and yet again thinking that I'm not doing a good job for my mother.
     
  2. exhausted 2015

    exhausted 2015 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2015
    624
    Female
    stoke on trent
    I can really sympathise with you and no doubt you are a good loving daughter who cares for her mother but you do need a break... I had similar with my dad when he went in to respite, the 2nd time that he went was a lot easier.. I'm sure your mum will be fine and other respites will be easier.. Make the most of your break it will go so quickly.. Best wishes exhausted 2015 xx
     
  3. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    9,322
    Female
    East Kent
    #3 lin1, Oct 23, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2015
    On the contrary you are doing your very best for your Mother !
    It's not easy is it and yes it is a very cruel disease.

    I tried my hardest o follow " compassionate communication with the memory impaired" but sometimes my halo , if I ever had one :) was down round my ankles.
    Just incase you have not seen it on here , I will put a link hear in a mo.
    Here it is
    http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired.
    Of course you need a break, it will do you all good, your mum will benefit from it too, because you will be refreshed. Don't let that darned guilt monster get to you either
     
  4. Rodelinda

    Rodelinda Registered User

    Jun 15, 2015
    172
    Suffolk
    thanks both - I printed out the compassionate communication info some months ago and look at it constantly. From reading what others have to say I know I'm not alone; I also know that many fellow carers have a much harder time. But it's tougher for those we care for and I just want to weep at times - not out of frustration but out of sadness, compassion and for everything that has been lost for my mother.

    Take care
     
  5. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,531
    Female
    South coast
    Of course you need a break. The problem with so many of us is that our carees agree to something, then they forget, deny everything and refuse :( Its so difficult.
    I would go ahead with the planned respite, but not keep reminding your mum - anything new is frightening and the thought of it coming up will probably just increase her anxiety and reinforce the thought that she wont do it.
    I would leave it until the last minute and introduce it as a holiday for her. If she says she didnt know anything about it you can say that you wanted to "surprise" her!
     

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