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Dementia in an already difficult relationship

Bullrush

Registered User
Jan 30, 2016
6
Thanks for the add.
I have always had a difficult relationship with my mother. She is now in a care home and I try to remain a dutiful daughter as I always have done. This is despite a lifetime of her mentally abusive behaviour towards me. She had mental health problems since my childhood which is why I have never abandoned her as in my heart I feel she cannot help it. I visit her regularly but sometimes wonder why I bother. Can anyone else identify with this? I have found little written about dealing with someone who develops dementia that exacerbates an already struggling relationship. Thank you.
 

Princess16

Registered User
Jan 30, 2016
1
Yes I am in a similar situation, Seeing your post encouraged me to join the forum.

Thanks for the add.
I have always had a difficult relationship with my mother. She is now in a care home and I try to remain a dutiful daughter as I always have done. This is despite a lifetime of her mentally abusive behaviour towards me. She had mental health problems since my childhood which is why I have never abandoned her as in my heart I feel she cannot help it. I visit her regularly but sometimes wonder why I bother. Can anyone else identify with this? I have found little written about dealing with someone who develops dementia that exacerbates an already struggling relationship. Thank you.
I identify with the dutiful daughter role and as Mums condition worsens I struggle more. She has been verbally very nasty to me at times and that makes is very hard to continue to try to care. Mum lives alone and is just about coping but she is getting more and more confused and troubled.
 

Kevinl

Registered User
Aug 24, 2013
4,771
Salford
Hi Bullrush, welcome to TP
Sadly yours is a story I've seen on here many times before.
I'd visit as often as you want to, if the visits are harming you then you have a perfect right to only go when you feel you can, no one you expect you to keep up a relationship with an abusive partner so why a parent?
It's good that you've recognised the issues arise from her mental health problems but if it's doing you it's time to back off and think of yourself first.
As I say the subject has been discussed before and here below are a couple of links the relevant threads.
K
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ot-coping-very-well-with-my-mom-at-the-moment
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?83042-Will-My-Mum-Ever-Stop-Hating-Me
 

Bullrush

Registered User
Jan 30, 2016
6
I identify with the dutiful daughter role and as Mums condition worsens I struggle more. She has been verbally very nasty to me at times and that makes is very hard to continue to try to care. Mum lives alone and is just about coping but she is getting more and more confused and troubled.
Has your mum always been difficult or has it come with the dementia? I did not recognise the onset of mum's dementia as I just thought she was behaving as she always does. I sometimes battle with feelings of resentment as she is so negative with me, though I visit her 3 or 4 times a week. She continually goads me. I try now to blame it solely on the dementia. I shed a tear today (not in her view)as she was awful to me but I am learning not to feel so guilty as I have always treated her with kindness despite her awful behaviour towards me.
I would say, try to prepare yourself in advance if you think mum is going to need a care home or carers. We were caught unawares and the care system can be challenging. Mum was on her own coping well (she is 90) then it all suddenly went into decline and she began wandering in the street at night in her nightclothes. She went, within the space of 5 weeks, from being an independent person doing her washing, cooking , etc to needing 24 hour care . We were totally unprepared and it was devastating.
Thank you for responding- sleep time now! Take care and seek help soon. Good luck!
 

Bullrush

Registered User
Jan 30, 2016
6
Hi Bullrush, welcome to TP
Sadly yours is a story I've seen on here many times before.
I'd visit as often as you want to, if the visits are harming you then you have a perfect right to only go when you feel you can, no one you expect you to keep up a relationship with an abusive partner so why a parent?
It's good that you've recognised the issues arise from her mental health problems but if it's doing you it's time to back off and think of yourself first.
As I say the subject has been discussed before and here below are a couple of links the relevant threads.
K

Thank you so much, Kevinl, the care home have advised the same thing. I am really the only person in her life as she has difficulty sustaining relationships and I find it hard to feel she may be lonely or bereft.( though she is an arch manipulator at the best of times!). Your post really helps as it gives me the courage to believe that it is ok to put myself first. Thank you.ps I have to remove the links as admin tell me I have not made enough posts yet!