My beloved mum has had mixed dementia for five years now and is in a home. She has reached the stage where she no longer knows who I am and has the dreaded haunted look in her eyes. We were so very close and during the last visit I cried my eyes out when she shut her eyes for a while. The home has a Facebook page and shows pics and videos almost daily and she looks so sad and confused in the photos compared to the other residents who aren't yet at that stage of the illness. The pain I feel is unbearable. Anyone else been in this situation ? Should I carry on visiting?
Dementia heartbreak
- Thread starter Lollipoprainbow
- Start date
Welcome to TP @Lollipoprainbow
It‘s incredibly difficult when our loved ones don‘t recognise us. You’ll get lots of support here so please keep posting.
It‘s incredibly difficult when our loved ones don‘t recognise us. You’ll get lots of support here so please keep posting.
Hello @Lollipoprainbow
This is such a difficult time for you. It's a hard call to make. My mum doesn't always know who I am now (and occasionally doesn't seem to know I am there at all) but generally does. If she gets to the stage where she no longer knows who I am, I will still visit if the visits give her any comfort or pleasure. However, if she gets to the stage where visits seem to make no difference to her but are distressing me, then I think I will stop. Mum would no doubt pick up on my feelings and the visits would probably distress her too.
I would suggest that you stop visiting for a while and stop looking at the Facebook page if you can. You can still call the care home and check how your mum is, and send cards or little gifts if you think your mum would enjoy receiving them. See how you feel after a few weeks.
Whatever you decide, keep posting here and we will help you along. These are difficult decisions but lots of us out here who genuinely understand how you feel.
This is such a difficult time for you. It's a hard call to make. My mum doesn't always know who I am now (and occasionally doesn't seem to know I am there at all) but generally does. If she gets to the stage where she no longer knows who I am, I will still visit if the visits give her any comfort or pleasure. However, if she gets to the stage where visits seem to make no difference to her but are distressing me, then I think I will stop. Mum would no doubt pick up on my feelings and the visits would probably distress her too.
I would suggest that you stop visiting for a while and stop looking at the Facebook page if you can. You can still call the care home and check how your mum is, and send cards or little gifts if you think your mum would enjoy receiving them. See how you feel after a few weeks.
Whatever you decide, keep posting here and we will help you along. These are difficult decisions but lots of us out here who genuinely understand how you feel.
I would say yes you should continue to visit, but perhaps less often. Family visits are an important part of quality control in care homes. In another thread there is a tale of suspected poor standards of care, discovered only by visiting. By visiting you will be able to check that the basics at least are being done to look after your mum, and highlight anything that she needs or that needs to be provided for her.
