Dementia (EMD) home cannot cope with mum - How does EMI placement differ? What to do?

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by MissDiane, Sep 21, 2016.

  1. MissDiane

    MissDiane Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    My mum was diagnosed with advanced dementia in 2012 although at the time she did not present to me as advanced at all.

    My dad also has dementia (moderate) and numerous chronic health complaints which are all in all very serious and currently ongoing. We are constantly attending hospital appointments etc.

    Mum and dad had to be separated for their own safety and mental health. THey argued most of the time. Dad wound mum up. They both asked to be separated after 50 years of marriage. Mum was constantly having a go at dad and dad reacted every time and became aggressive due to carer burden on a number of occasions.

    It was all agreed that mum would move into residential care. THis lasted 1 year until we were told they could not cope with mum or meet her needs.

    So we were rushed into moving her to a Dementia home which happened to be one i had viewed twice before and was the top of my list of dementia homes. Small, homely, friendly staff, quiet lounge which was really important. We were promised an ensuite room and a window she could open at night as she needs the fresh air to help her sleep.

    Mobility deteriorated and mum didnt get the room we planned as i was told she couldnt manage the three steps down to it. But she has three steps down to the current room and she always seems to manage it with help. (But current room does have a lift to it so was thought to leave her there would be best).

    So no ensuite, or opening window. Both of these are important for mum to sleep well and not worry about getting to the toilet.

    Visits from family have triggered agressive behaviour to carers because my dad and sister kept saying they wanted her to come back home. Sister has not accepted mum has advanced dementia and rarely visists. Just feels guilty mum is in a home.

    Mum had settled well, but has detriorated due to lack of sleep, and false promises of coming home. THis has gone on for the whole 12 months she has been there. During this time she has had good periods and bad periods. She seems to enjoy some of the activities but says she is bored and has no one to talk to who can hold any sort of conversation. Mum can be very lucid as her dementia fluctates at lot. we think its lewy bodies.

    Social services have suggested visits need to be in communal areas so staff can overhhear any ridiculous promises which obviously cause great upset they don't materialise.

    So due to agression towards staff, non-compliance with personal care, shouting out for help at night, every night the home cannot cope. THey will make a decision in 2 weeks.

    We have had professionals involved to assist the home in dealing with these situations but they cannot manage the situation.

    So i'm told if this doesn't work out we need an EMI home for challenging and aggressive behaviour.

    Will this be better? Mum is more often than not hardly any trouble when i am around so i suspect the approach used is not right. And i have witnessed situations with other residents that i could have handled better myself.

    I guess my question is do i fight to keep her there, or do we look at emi homes and how would this help mum, and dad?
  2. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    Five quotes form your post, 1 & 2 mention aggression, 3 says even the professionals can't help and 4 is one I'm hearing too often from someone who's been ask to move her mum. "She's a good as gold when I'm here" and the minute you go she's back to her old self and hitting anyone who gets too close, quite often it's my wife.
    You can fight the home but you can't win, they can just give you 28 days notice whenever they like and it may be other visitors are pressuring the home to do just that I know it's happening in the home my wife's in although when asked I just said "I'll rely on you (the home) to do the right thing in your professional opinion".
    If say someone did push a frail old person over and broke an arm or a hip who's liable?
    The home for keeping someone they have said they "can't cope" with, your mum as she did it or the person who put them all at risk by insisted she stay there?
    That in a nutshell is the other side of the coin, I fear for the safety of my wife and the other residents since this lady's condition has become so much worse, it's not here fault and she used to be quite a pleasant lady but the time has come to move her on.
  3. Hezzy

    Hezzy Registered User

    Sep 6, 2016
    Obviously not all places are the same, I understand your concerns totally as EMI sounds overdoing it at first. My experience was that the EMI unit had better trained staff more able to keep situations under control and things didn't escalate so much as they better understood challenging behaviours and dementia . As I say all units are different, maybe try to visit somewhere potential and talk to other relatives about their experience and it may help.
    The only other thing is EMI places can be difficult to get so I'd be contacting social services now for some signposting and advice in your area. My mom was essentially being evicted from a normal care home over xmas and we very luckily got an EMI place which turned out to be amazing. Went from having 1-1 care in the care home, constant calls for issues and problems to completely calm within a couple of weeks at EMI.
    Everyone will have had a different experience but that was ours.
  4. Red66

    Red66 Registered User

    Feb 29, 2016
    MissDiane, as Hezzy mentioned EMI home staff are trained to deal with challenging behaviour and because of this I found that they have more patience and empathy in dealing with a resident. My Dad was sectioned and in hospital nearly 10 weeks before being placed in an EMI home and it was such a relief they way the staff dealt with him there. It used to being tears to my eyes as they treated him as a person and not an inconvenience. They were much warmer and pleasant with him which overall kept him calmer. Hope that helps. X

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