Dementia and bereavement

[cally23]

Hello, this is my first post and I need advice with my mum who has dementia. She lived with my dad, but he passed away a week ago and she has difficulty accepting he's gone. I was with them both at the hospital when he passed but she now has no recollection of that or of a visit to see him in the chapel of rest 2 days later.
Sometimes she accepts he's gone and thinks about what to wear for the funeral, other times she insists he can be revived and it's all a conspiracy to get rid of him. I live a distance away but have been staying with mum since dad was in hospital. I try to reassure her and stay calm but last night she was aggressive to me as well, anything I tried to reassure her with was dismissed as 'but you don't know that'. In the end I had to go to bed and leave her. This morning she was dismantling the airflow mattress on the bed in dad's room insisting he'd been suffocated by being zipped inside! As she's unzipped it I was able to coax her away to lie down and she's sleeping now. Hopefully when she's rested she'll be calmer but I'm steeling myself for the next chapter - no chance for me to grieve for my father as there's too much else to worry about, like how to get through the funeral, how to help mum going forward. Any advice please?

 

[nae sporran]

Please accept my condolences on the death of your father @cally23. I'm sorry you have no chance to grieve at such a hard time for you and you mum. Sorry, I have no advice to offer though.

 

[Bunpoots]

Welcome to DTP @cally23

My condolences on the loss of your father. I understand the difficulty you're having with coming to terms with his death and the added complication of dealing with your mum. I suspect that she will never be able to accept the reality of the situation and will continue to look for her OH no matter what you say.

I think you should consider not taking her to the funeral as she won't understand and will probably be upset and angry so you won't be able to say your goodbyes properly. Is there someone who could sit with her during the funeral?

I'm sorry I can't be more helpful but I wonder if reading this may give you some ideas of how best to cope.

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

 

[cally23]

Thank you for the link, that article is really helpful, I shall keep reading it and try to put it into practice.

 

[Bunpoots]

You’re welcome @cally23 . It’s hard to do all the time but I found it helped me understand how to better manage my dad’s complete lack of logic!