I think I understand a bit Dutchman , when my children were in their late teens and twenties I used to really really miss them snd grieved for them - even though they were still here, it was the smaller children who climbed in to bed with me, I lasted with, taught things too, and got cross with that I was missing - those children no longer existed - and on course ‘your’ Bridget no longer exists either even though, like my children, Bridget is still here. No answers for you, I just came to a gradual acceptance, still miss those small children but in a gentler way. Can you still take Bridget for a trip out for tea/scone. At least all her smiles and attention would be for you while you are out?
Dementia’s journey
- Thread starter Dutchman
- Start date
Hello Dutchman. Nothing weird there at all. I've been through all that and understand fully where you are coming from. My wife was exactly the same and it took a while to accept that she was living her own little life in a different world to mine. Unfortunately this is all part of the progression of this terrible ailment. Don't be too unhappy because the two of you may well have formed a bond; not the same as it used to be; and indeed she probably is pleased to see you. She will appear to be matter of fact because that is how it is with her. She will be pleased to know that you are there and for her. My wife smiled at everyone and whilst it pleased them to see her like that, it was even better for her because people smiled back. Like you most of her smiles were for me and whilst it brought tears to my eyes I relished those precious moments of being with her but knowing that when I left she would soon forget but I could carry that memory home with me. Yes, I would have loved her to be at home with me but unfortunately she could not have received the care and treatment that she needed and deserved so I was somewhat content that she was receiving that care in the home from some wonderful people.
Yes it is terribly confusing and beyond comprehension and no it is not simple, far from it. Enjoy those moments with your Bridget, she is still yours and there will always be that loving bond between you. Keep on enjoying her smile and nurturing that love that you obviously have for her. My thoughts remain with you and I trust that you will find the strength and maintain it as you share those happy moments together.
Yes it is terribly confusing and beyond comprehension and no it is not simple, far from it. Enjoy those moments with your Bridget, she is still yours and there will always be that loving bond between you. Keep on enjoying her smile and nurturing that love that you obviously have for her. My thoughts remain with you and I trust that you will find the strength and maintain it as you share those happy moments together.
Just received the Social Services report about Bridget and her care home after a annual visit was made last month.
All ok, but God, how it brings it home to me when you see in writing the observations made about Bridget’s condition. It seems from the conversation Social Service had with the staff that Bridget really perks up when I arrive. Good, but in a way that’s a burden for me as it makes me feel guilty when I don’t visit.
Nothing’s straightforward is it!
All ok, but God, how it brings it home to me when you see in writing the observations made about Bridget’s condition. It seems from the conversation Social Service had with the staff that Bridget really perks up when I arrive. Good, but in a way that’s a burden for me as it makes me feel guilty when I don’t visit.
Nothing’s straightforward is it!
You have got to stop burdening yourself Dutchman. None of this is of your making but the progression of a terrible disease that we can't grasp. Be happy in the knowledge that Bridget is pleased to see you. That gives the distinct impression that she has some recognition of you and is pleased to see you. That's good. You see the fact that you don't see her as often as you would like does not have the same reaction on Bridget because the very nature of her condition means that time is of little consequence and a gap of two or three days is probably only a small time gap in her own mind. From experience and observation I know this to be true. Continue visiting as and when you can and as I did look forward to that endearing smile and soak it up. You obviously have a great love for one another so don't be afraid to demonstrate that love when visiting. I am a rather shy person but managed to get over my inhibitions and always gave my wife kisses and cuddles and spoke to her in endearing terms and in front of others if they happened to be there. I know the observations made at assessment seen in black and white can be disheartening but nevertheless these are factual and best known about in order to give us a greater understanding of the situation and an assurance that Bridget is receiving the right care and attention that she requires. Again my thoughts are with you in the full knowledge of what you are having to bear.
Hi there. Me again.
Yesterday was our wedding anniversary and I’d forgotten. 33 years yesterday and there no one to celebrate with. Bridget is oblivious of course and I can’t see any point getting excited on my own.
I suppose it’s like most important dates, in that on you own, with no one to share with, most days are the same.
Yesterday was our wedding anniversary and I’d forgotten. 33 years yesterday and there no one to celebrate with. Bridget is oblivious of course and I can’t see any point getting excited on my own.
I suppose it’s like most important dates, in that on you own, with no one to share with, most days are the same.
c’est la vie
I visited Bridget today and got talking to a member of staff. Another resident died yesterday, Mary, sweet quiet lady who just sat there, no trouble.
It’s so upsetting and, although I know this is the place where it’s inevitable that dementia will get you in the end, it’s still a shock.
Bridget is such a model resident who smiles all the time, is no trouble and all the staff tell me she’s lovely and loved. So when she dies it’s going to be a very sad place.
Me, well if I’m honest, when we get to that stage I’ll probably be relieved that she’s free of this evil and disgusting condition. But more likely I’ll be devastated and in shock again.
It’s so upsetting and, although I know this is the place where it’s inevitable that dementia will get you in the end, it’s still a shock.
Bridget is such a model resident who smiles all the time, is no trouble and all the staff tell me she’s lovely and loved. So when she dies it’s going to be a very sad place.
Me, well if I’m honest, when we get to that stage I’ll probably be relieved that she’s free of this evil and disgusting condition. But more likely I’ll be devastated and in shock again.
Another Saturday. At the moment I’m surrounded by bad news. Friends of mine are either dying or now dead and I read on the Forum all the really hard coping that’s being done by many carers for the ones they love. How well I remember the mess and the clearing up and soiled clothes ( when I could get them off of her!) and it upsets me to remember a fastidious women brought down to that position.
I could say that I’m free of the day to day grimness of trying to keep my wife clean, of making the best of the day with someone who used to hate me and couldn’t wait to escape. But, now she’s really calm and reasonably content in the care home, it reminded me of my old Bridget and it tricks me into thinking of her back on our sofa and leading some form of life together. Instead I’m lonely for her and I don’t do loneliness at all well. It sucks.
I could say that I’m free of the day to day grimness of trying to keep my wife clean, of making the best of the day with someone who used to hate me and couldn’t wait to escape. But, now she’s really calm and reasonably content in the care home, it reminded me of my old Bridget and it tricks me into thinking of her back on our sofa and leading some form of life together. Instead I’m lonely for her and I don’t do loneliness at all well. It sucks.
Life is at times wonderful, challenging, exhilarating and then we have the downside. Try to do something you enjoy tonight even if it is watching a TV programme, reading, whatever. Relax, breathe and recharge the batteries.
Take care of yourself.
Why doesn’t it get any easier I say goodbye?
Every time I visit Bridget we have a reasonable time together, I help her feed and we just sit quietly and then, after about 2 hours, I feel it’s time to go.
She looks at me and I hope she understands when I say “ just going shopping “ or something suchlike. Then I get “that” look when she looks imploringly at me seeming to say “ please don’t leave”. I steel myself and leave only to feel wretched when I close the homes’ door and get in the car.
And the someone said today “ oh, she brightens up when you come” which suggests she’s not happy when I’m away.
So much to make me feel miserable.
Every time I visit Bridget we have a reasonable time together, I help her feed and we just sit quietly and then, after about 2 hours, I feel it’s time to go.
She looks at me and I hope she understands when I say “ just going shopping “ or something suchlike. Then I get “that” look when she looks imploringly at me seeming to say “ please don’t leave”. I steel myself and leave only to feel wretched when I close the homes’ door and get in the car.
And the someone said today “ oh, she brightens up when you come” which suggests she’s not happy when I’m away.
So much to make me feel miserable.
I know I ought to be enjoying each day as it comes and treasuring the time I have with Bridget but at times, especially in quiet times, I often think of what it will be like when she dies.
I try to imagine “ that” phone call from the home and what effect it’ll have. After all, it’s three years today that she was led out of this house never to return and I’ve almost got used to being alone. But, to really be alone, never to see her again, never having to drive to the care home again, well it’s scary and I just can’t go back to being in shock and unwell again through grief. I just can’t.
But I suppose it’s unavoidable and the price we pay for giving our lives to each other.
To another feeling: I draw some comfort from the memory of us doing very little over the 3/4 years Bridget was unwell and dementia led and life’s not that much different now apart from doing little on my own. Just goes to show that as long as you have each other to love there’s little need for look for other people for social company. From what I’ve seen of other couples the same seems to be true. Sure we had our interests but if asked then we just had each other.
I try to imagine “ that” phone call from the home and what effect it’ll have. After all, it’s three years today that she was led out of this house never to return and I’ve almost got used to being alone. But, to really be alone, never to see her again, never having to drive to the care home again, well it’s scary and I just can’t go back to being in shock and unwell again through grief. I just can’t.
But I suppose it’s unavoidable and the price we pay for giving our lives to each other.
To another feeling: I draw some comfort from the memory of us doing very little over the 3/4 years Bridget was unwell and dementia led and life’s not that much different now apart from doing little on my own. Just goes to show that as long as you have each other to love there’s little need for look for other people for social company. From what I’ve seen of other couples the same seems to be true. Sure we had our interests but if asked then we just had each other.
I think many of us mentally rehearse 'that phone call' in the later years, whether we want to or not! Every time the phone rings, you think, 'Is this it?' But we're just trying to prepare ourselves, try the idea out, see how it 'feels'. Distressing, certainly, but I suppose it's part of coming to terms with the inevitable...
As for your relationship with Bridget, I've said before how I envy your closeness. How wonderful to be able to say that for both of you, your 'hobby' was each other
As for your relationship with Bridget, I've said before how I envy your closeness. How wonderful to be able to say that for both of you, your 'hobby' was each other
I’ve read that acceptance and not criticising yourself for your feelings and emotions goes some way to helping ourself out of this hole of grief, sadness and loneliness.
But when I have a reasonable time when I visit Bridget I know theoretically I cannot look after her but my heart says : I’ll walk you to the car and we’ll drive away from this care home and I’ll take you home and sit you on our sofa, and I’ll make tea, and watch tv, and the house will be full again with you. Just like before. I miss you so much and this being on my own is so hard.
I wonder how many of us have had those thoughts and cried at the agony of missing someone like this. I’m looking at the sofa now and imagine her sitting there.
But when I have a reasonable time when I visit Bridget I know theoretically I cannot look after her but my heart says : I’ll walk you to the car and we’ll drive away from this care home and I’ll take you home and sit you on our sofa, and I’ll make tea, and watch tv, and the house will be full again with you. Just like before. I miss you so much and this being on my own is so hard.
I wonder how many of us have had those thoughts and cried at the agony of missing someone like this. I’m looking at the sofa now and imagine her sitting there.
Unfortunately I have these thoughts quite frequently. It’s hard not to and is heartbreaking. One of the first things I did was to rearrange the furniture so that I was not always looking across to his chair when there was something on TV he’d have enjoyed. It helped a lot. The empty chair served to remind me he was no longer home with me.
I try to fill time but think I need to do more outside of the home. I need a plan!
Thanks for replying quickly.
The stress of it all is that we know bringing them home is impossible and a selfish thought but our whole body cries out for them to be back home and we’d carry on like before.
I have plans but not enough motivation.
I’m writing but I’m just offloading really. I notice that I’ve posted over 1800 posts on here since 2019 which humbles me a bit.
Looking back know I was blind to the fact that eventually Bridget would need more care than I could give and my coping would run out. I was, in the end, forced into a corner.
Others - don’t make that mistake. Plan for the eventual. Harsh advice but it’s easier in the end.
I miss her, of course I do, but not the bad stuff. I’m left alone now with the feeling that I’ll remain alone as Bridget was really my only love. Others have their memories and grief so getting together with someone else would be very difficult. We knew each other so well and life together ( pre dementia) was easy and smooth. We had no hang ups.
So dementia has caused what many things do - loneliness. So is the right place to be, on the Forum? I’ll stay even if it’s to help others.
But after a while you realise that any advice has mostly been said before and in the end it’s down to you because dementia destroys options and choices. So we keep on keeping on till we can’t keep on any more and we have to let our PWD go.
Bridget has hurt her big toe and the district nurse has been, treated it and the home is keeping a close eye on her. Try doing that at home when you’re tired, changed someone who’s incontinent, been shouted at, not recognised, wandering round the street looking for “you”, in the shed, at the local hospital, told you’re horrible. I could go on!
Peter
Looking back know I was blind to the fact that eventually Bridget would need more care than I could give and my coping would run out. I was, in the end, forced into a corner.
Others - don’t make that mistake. Plan for the eventual. Harsh advice but it’s easier in the end.
I miss her, of course I do, but not the bad stuff. I’m left alone now with the feeling that I’ll remain alone as Bridget was really my only love. Others have their memories and grief so getting together with someone else would be very difficult. We knew each other so well and life together ( pre dementia) was easy and smooth. We had no hang ups.
So dementia has caused what many things do - loneliness. So is the right place to be, on the Forum? I’ll stay even if it’s to help others.
But after a while you realise that any advice has mostly been said before and in the end it’s down to you because dementia destroys options and choices. So we keep on keeping on till we can’t keep on any more and we have to let our PWD go.
Bridget has hurt her big toe and the district nurse has been, treated it and the home is keeping a close eye on her. Try doing that at home when you’re tired, changed someone who’s incontinent, been shouted at, not recognised, wandering round the street looking for “you”, in the shed, at the local hospital, told you’re horrible. I could go on!
Peter
Why is it that, even though I’m visiting today and even though I visit usually every other day and I’ve missed a couple of days, that I feel I’ve abandoned her and I’m a bad person.?
I go and she enjoys our visit ( I think) but there’s this part of me that feels I should/ ought to see her every day so that I can say
to myself “ I’m loyal, I’m trustworthy, I’m showing I miss her”.
To not visit makes me feel I’ve let her down in some way, that I don’t care and I don’t need her quite so much now it’s been 3 years of separation. There’s not a day goes that I don’t have these feelings and the guilt is draining.
Peter
I go and she enjoys our visit ( I think) but there’s this part of me that feels I should/ ought to see her every day so that I can say
to myself “ I’m loyal, I’m trustworthy, I’m showing I miss her”.
To not visit makes me feel I’ve let her down in some way, that I don’t care and I don’t need her quite so much now it’s been 3 years of separation. There’s not a day goes that I don’t have these feelings and the guilt is draining.
Peter
Youve got the guilt monster whispering in your ear.
Dont listen to it
Take no notice of it
Knock it off your shoulder.
Im passing you the official Talking Point Guilt Monster Bashing Stick so that you can give it a good bashing
Dont listen to it
Take no notice of it
Knock it off your shoulder.
Im passing you the official Talking Point Guilt Monster Bashing Stick so that you can give it a good bashing
