I want to share, for my own sake perhaps, the moment my life changed forever.
Sure, life was changing dramatically all through the dark days and months of Bridget’s dementia behaviour, but she was still here, part of my life at home.
No, the instance she was lead away by care home staff, down the garden into their car and driven away, that’s when my life turned upside down and I was alone for the first time in my life. I cried out load “what about me”. I’ve never felt so alone in my whole life as I knew she would never, after 20 years, be in this house again.
And I still feel I drove her away somehow with my selfish attitude. I did many things that were self centred. There’s still a part of me that feels I deserve all this. You can tell me it’s the dementia but I need something or someone to blame. I suppose I feel the easiest thing is to blame myself.
And when I see her she seems so
“unaffected “ by it all. She smiles, laughing even, quite matter of fact, while I’m left with the lingering doubt of guilt.
Anyway, morning thoughts that I needed to air.
Peter