Dementia’s journey

[Dutchman]

Don’t you just hate the adverts on tv where a family is so enjoying their new kitchen/ sofa/ car, looking forward to the forthcoming holiday where all are going to have such a wonderful time full of promise and happiness. I know it’s to sell products but we here know that grief sits waiting round the corner.

I, on the other hand, am dreading the enforced jollity around this time of year when I remember how it was. Bridget was the centre of our Christmas and all I can do this year is to be there at the home making her (and the staff) Christmas as happy as it can be.

 

[kindred]

Don’t you just hate the adverts on tv where a family is so enjoying their new kitchen/ sofa/ car, looking forward to the forthcoming holiday where all are going to have such a wonderful time full of promise and happiness. I know it’s to sell products but we here know that grief sits waiting round the corner.

I, on the other hand, am dreading the enforced jollity around this time of year when I remember how it was. Bridget was the centre of our Christmas and all I can do this year is to be there at the home making her (and the staff) Christmas as happy as it can be.

That’s me too, Peter. I know. All fellow feeling. Kindredx

 

[canary]

Ive always hated those sort of adverts, even before dementia when the children were young and living at home. The perfect, beautifully dressed families, with well behaved children all enjoying the simple things in life with no arguments or tantrums, in their immaculately clean and tidy homes . Pah!! It has never born any resemblance to real life where things are always much more complicated and messy (in all senses of the word)

 

[jennifer1967]

Ive always hated those sort of adverts, even before dementia when the children were young and living at home. The perfect, beautifully dressed families, with well behaved children all enjoying the simple things in life with no arguments or tantrums, in their immaculately clean and tidy homes . Pah!! It has never born any resemblance to real life where things are always much more complicated and messy (in all senses of the word)

they just make me feel lonely. where do they get angelic children and families that get on. even worse this year as christmas was all but cancelled last year. just want to see the red lorry with the lights

 

[canary]

They made me feel a failure @jennifer1967 because my life was never, ever going to be that perfect and it makes you feel dissatisfied. Its all fake and a fraud, of course, designed to give you negative emotions about your present life in order to con you subconsciously into buying their products.

 

[jennifer1967]

They made me feel a failure @jennifer1967 because my life was never, ever going to be that perfect and it makes you feel dissatisfied. Its all fake and a fraud, of course, designed to give you negative emotions about your present life in order to con you subconsciously into buying their products.

its false, artificial fun when families come together and have fun when they dont speak all year. really the worst time of the year for me.

 

[Dutchman]

Absolutely @canary @jennifer1967 and @kindred. As if the guilt we carry as carers wasn’t enough we are made to feel inadequate and lacking if we aren’t part of a forever happy family or a fully rounded individual who just bursts with enthusiasm at that new purchase that promises lasting contentment.

I suppose the answer is don’t look at them. But it’s hard when all we see around us fighting for our attention.

At least I know I’m in the real world when I speak with my friends here❤️

 

[Andy54]

I never been a fan of the Christmas "consumerfest" and the fact that it seems to start earlier each autumn but the thing that I find most annoying is constantly being asked if I am looking forward to Christmas........... er no I don't think so.

 

[jennifer1967]

I never been a fan of the Christmas "consumerfest" and the fact that it seems to start earlier each autumn but the thing that I find most annoying is constantly being asked if I am looking forward to Christmas........... er no I don't think so.

they think you are strange and scrooge if you say no.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I used to have the same resentful reaction to those posters about dementia with the sweet little old lady with a nice hairdo, clean appropriate clothes and her 'daughter/carer' happily handing her a cup of tea, everyone smiley and nice.

Pah. My mother looked like a bag lady most days (despite all efforts to change that) and never ever had a smile on her face. Neither did I - there was nothing to smile about.

The last thing we all need is pressure/guilt becuase we are not celebrating/enjoying Christmas as we 'should'.

 

[lollyc]

I used to have the same resentful reaction to those posters about dementia with the sweet little old lady with a nice hairdo, clean appropriate clothes and her 'daughter/carer' happily handing her a cup of tea, everyone smiley and nice.

Pah. My mother looked like a bag lady most days (despite all efforts to change that) and never ever had a smile on her face. Neither did I - there was nothing to smile about.

The last thing we all need is pressure/guilt becuase we are not celebrating/enjoying Christmas as we 'should'.

I've come to the conclusion that my life bears very little resemblance to most of what is portrayed in the media - on any subject I don't think it ever did.
Maybe that says more about me than it does anything else!

 

[Dutchman]

I’ve managed to get Bridget’s brother to come down to see her albeit just for one day. Believe me this is a result. Still questions how long the visit will take so not entirely compliant. Oh well, small victories. If needs be he’ll have to sit in the car in the homes care park till I decide to leave if he’s had enough.

 

[notsogooddtr]

I’ve managed to get Bridget’s brother to come down to see her albeit just for one day. Believe me this is a result. Still questions how long the visit will take so not entirely compliant. Oh well, small victories. If needs be he’ll have to sit in the car in the homes care park till I decide to leave if he’s had enough.

Do you think Bridget will know him?

 

[Dutchman]

Probably not. But if he goes at all it ought to be now while she has at least a degree of responsiveness.

I never badgered him about going, just suggested a visit because it’s been so long ( 2 years nearly) since he managed to come.

 

[Old Flopsy]

Hi @Dutchman -I haven't posted for a while-but I am reading your posts every day and feeling your pain. My thoughts are with you.

I was getting myself all worked up at the lack of concern from the undertakers- I had been waiting over three weeks to hear when the ashes would be delivered to my home but I couldn't get firm date. Fortunately a friend intervened on my behalf and expedited the task and at last my hubby's remains are back here in the home- a decision about where to scatter can wait.

@blackmortimer I am just hoping the funeral went well and that you are feeling more peaceful. It's strange when the mourners all depart, back to their busy lives, whereas our lives feel as if they have lost purpose. But we must battle on.

 

[Dutchman]

Hello @Old Flopsy
Thanks for continuing to follow me. Means a lot. Glad you got the ashes back where they belong I’m sure you’ll make the correct decision where to scatter.

I’m not sure anymore about where our lives will lead us as it seems we just go on day after day treading water really and getting nowhere. All I can hope for is that things will sort themselves out with or without me doing anything.

Bridget continues to seem content although I can never really tell. Recently I’ve been very uncomfortable when it’s time to say goodbye. It’s that look she gives me, a look that says “ I don’t understand why you’re going”. I say “ I’m just leaving to shop, be back later” she
says “ ok or alright” but does she really understand? So much guilt and I feel dreadful lying to her. Such innocence on her face, like a child. How do we leave without upsetting ourselves? I’ve never managed it.

Why is it that things remain so damn hard and twist our insides?

 

[update2020]

Every day I torture myself by watching Escape to the Country. All those happy couples looking forward to retirement together in idyllic houses. Why do I do it?

 

[Melles Belles]

@update2020 retiring to the country is all very well while you are healthy. When become ill and/or frail it can be very tough. Many villages have no shop or post office, no or very limited bus service. Your local hospital may be a long drive and you can’t drive any more and the ambulance service can be very poor in isolated places. North Norfolk on average has poorest ambulance response rates in the country.
When my father sold his large house in 5 acres in the middle of nowhere it was bough by a couple in their mid 70s. I was surprised at the time. Five years on and a broken hip later and one of them can’t get up the stairs.

 

[canary]

I know exactly what you mean @Melles Belles
When dad retired he and mum planned to move to a tiny village in Norfolk. As you say, it had no shops, no doctors, no bus service and I was very concerned. I asked them how they were going to get to these places and my dad said he was going to buy a new car.....
Just a couple of weeks before they were due to exchange contracts my dad died suddenly from a heart attack. The move fell through and six months later my mum (who had never learned to drive) said - thank god they hadnt moved before he died and what would she had done all on her own in the middle of nowhere?

 

[Dutchman]

The visit with me and her brother went well. He hasn’t seen her for nearly two years.

I took today off and now feel guilt for
doing so. It’s that “ where are you “ thought that runs through my mind.

And as I was walking back across the car park of Morrison I suddenly felt a lurch of sadness doing the shopping for just me. It can hit out of nowhere and my eyes welled up and out of nowhere you feel so alone and isolated. I suppose it gets easier but it’s taking so long. Everything is for one.. one plate, one cup, one dish for my cereal.
We moved from London but we wanted Totnes because it has a station, high street and buses. Still a long way from the children though. So at least I’m not stuck in the middle of nowhere