No, I dont think you are selfish in not visiting. As you say, Bridget wont be aware and you need a break
I think you're very wise, @Dutchman. You need to stand back, let the home do the heavy lifting and look after yourself. I found myself visiting too often when Margaret was in the mental health unit and all it did was to make me question myself all the time because one day she would seem to recognise me, possibly be friendly, then the next she would refuse to see me or create a scene and leave me in a far worse condition mentally than before. Then when she moved to the nursing home, visiting was far more restricted because of Covid and because of that and the relative distance I visited less and relied more on ringing the home regularly allowing the children to take up visiting slots and forced myself to stand back form the whole situation. Like you I had allowed my life's purpose to be solely looking after Margaret - i had been her sole carer for 5 or more years and frankly my health suffered. So, having stood back I gave myself more time to remember the past, the good times, the thousand and one little things that made the unique character that is Margaret and i think I'm better for it. Of course I don;t know if my way of coping is necessarily yours - we're all different - but I would gently suggest that you perhaps try standing back a little, try sand remember the good things, pay attention to the cat and her needs.I’ve decided to not visit Bridget today. I’ll phone the home soon to tell them.
I just can’t face it today. The upset when I’m there, seeing her like she is, is just too much. Am I selfish and mean? Bridget doesn’t know me and won’t know I not coming today and the home is really looking after her well.
Im only human and I think I need rest from this worry and anxiety. My poor Bridget is always in my thoughts. The only time I nearly escape is in sleep and then dreams get in the way.
My cat had her first adventure into the garden yesterday and loved it. Came back for her food- she’s very easy to be with.
Peterx❤️
Bless you all
Greetings, and thank you for your recent posting.hi everyone
I’m so wrapped up in the present and have few detail records of what life was like on The forum when I started back in 2017
I need to see all my posts and replies since when I started.. this would be great help to me.
Has anyone a way of doing this?
@Dutchman I decided ages ago that once MH no longer recognises me, I will visit less often. Your decision is perfectly normal. So glad you're enjoying your cat!I’ve decided to not visit Bridget today. I’ll phone the home soon to tell them.
I just can’t face it today. The upset when I’m there, seeing her like she is, is just too much. Am I selfish and mean? Bridget doesn’t know me and won’t know I not coming today and the home is really looking after her well.
Im only human and I think I need rest from this worry and anxiety. My poor Bridget is always in my thoughts. The only time I nearly escape is in sleep and then dreams get in the way.
My cat had her first adventure into the garden yesterday and loved it. Came back for her food- she’s very easy to be with.
Peterx❤️
Bless you all
Hi @canaryIm all zoomed out Peter. To start with it was great and its still better than nothing, but it takes such a lot of concentration, so if Im tired or stressed I cant follow it.
Hopefully in a few weeks we can all start to meet again in person, which will be such a relief and you will probably find easier.
Another way of looking at is that none of us are doing enough because it is impossible to do enough. There is no cure and very little treatment for dementia and it will just go on getting worse regardless of what we 'do' about it. So 'doing enough' isn't an option. You do what you can and you certainly care enough.Went to see Bridget this afternoon and after helping her feed I did some chores - wiping chairs and table’s and hoovering the dining room carpet. It felt good. So why is the feeling wearing off? Why do I still feel I’m not doing enough? I’m not my best friend am I? Always putting myself down and belittling my efforts.
The grief of loss and helplessness always gets in the way.
@Dutchman This will sound brutal, but your feelings of loss and helplessness are only getting in the way because you're allowing them to. I had a very dysfunctional childhood and was largely negative and depressed until I hit my 40s when I read the most revealing book ever. It was called: Stop Thinking, Start Living, by Richard Carlson. The message was simple. Our thoughts create our emotions. If you dwell on negative things, you are going to feel depressed. Reading that book turned my life around. Naturally we are all devastated when our loved ones go into care with dementia, but eventually we can take it on board, accept our loss and move forward. I think it's wonderful that you're helping out at Bridget's rest home. You're doing a service and it is only the start. You might end up undertaking more, who knows? You've got to start somewhere in making a new life for yourself.Went to see Bridget this afternoon and after helping her feed I did some chores - wiping chairs and table’s and hoovering the dining room carpet. It felt good. So why is the feeling wearing off? Why do I still feel I’m not doing enough? I’m not my best friend am I? Always putting myself down and belittling my efforts.
The grief of loss and helplessness always gets in the way.
It's interesting that you raise this topic, @Pusskins , because it's a position I used to take quite a lot - thinking as the spanner in the human works, so to speak - and I still agree that thinking about the future is not only pointless, because it's unknown and in many ways unknowable, so I have stopped doing it particularly where Margaret is concerned. She's well looked after (better than I ever did) and seems content. So I've stopped looking beyond that. On the other hand, I have come to realise that thinking about the past, of the many happy moments I've enjoyed, Margaret's witty and animated conversation, her favourite quotations, as the song goes "they can't take that away from me". That's how I've learned to rise above the misery that dementia brings us all and it helps. I no longer waste time imagining a future that can't be known. After all, I might die tomorrow and then it's our children who will have to attend to Margaret's needs. So today I'll remember the happy times. I refuse to torment myself by believing they will ever return, but as long as they're in my memory it's the next best thing.@Dutchman This will sound brutal, but your feelings of loss and helplessness are only getting in the way because you're allowing them to. I had a very dysfunctional childhood and was largely negative and depressed until I hit my 40s when I read the most revealing book ever. It was called: Stop Thinking, Start Living, by Richard Carlson. The message was simple. Our thoughts create our emotions. If you dwell on negative things, you are going to feel depressed. Reading that book turned my life around. Naturally we are all devastated when our loved ones go into care with dementia, but eventually we can take it on board, accept our loss and move forward. I think it's wonderful that you're helping out at Bridget's rest home. You're doing a service and it is only the start. You might end up undertaking more, who knows? You've got to start somewhere in making a new life for yourself.
You know enough of my story to know how crushed I have felt, not only because MH had to go into care with dementia, but also because I discovered his infidelity afterwards and cannot gain closure over it with him. However, as time has moved on, I dwell on it less and less and it doesn't get me down anymore.
If you can, please find that book I mentioned. If you follow the advice, your life will turn around for the better. Nothing is going to change your situation, or that of everybody else in this forum, but rising above it is key. If you keep beating yourself up, and dare I say it, feeling sorry for yourself, you are the only one who will suffer.
Now I feel so bad for writing this, I should perhaps delete it, but what the heck? It just might help. Nothing ventured, nothing gained as they say.