Dear Peter,
I have been following your posts for the past year (following my mum’s dementia assessment) and truly wish I could say something to help you though your turmoil.
My father was in a nursing home with Alzheimers. I used to visit him twice a week until one Monday I was just about to visit when I noticed a missed call on my mobile...it was a paramedic informing me that my partner had had a heart attack, he was ok and that they were taking him to hospital. I abandoned visiting my father, rushed home, packed a bag with changes of underwear, pyjamas, shaving gear etc and dashed off to the hospital. The receptionist had a young nurses take me to a small room and the thought crossed my mind that I was about to be given bad news (similar to what you see on programmes like Casualty).
My partner had died on route to the hospital and they hadn’t been able to revive him. The hospital wouldn’t let me drive home, I had to wait for someone (2 someones because my car had to be driven home too) to pick me up. In the two hours while I waited I sat with my partner. This was the first time I had been in this situation and it seemed the most natural thing in the world. I sat talking to him throughout and not once did I feel as if I was alone. I guess I was suffering shock but in those hours I think I passed through all the stages of grief through to acceptance. After all, sitting with his body I could hardly be in denial.
This had a big impact on my visits to my father. I had to reduce them to once a fortnight as the reality of his situation hit me hard. It was hard watching his decline knowing that had he any capacity he would have preferred my partner’s sudden passing. My father died a year later and for me it was a huge sense of relief. I didn’t want to be there at the end not did I want to see his body. My partner still looked like my partner ( I had only seen him three hours earlier) but my father no longer looked the father I wanted to remember. I has some photos I had taken in that last year but I have since deleted them.
I have no idea if there is a spirit world that we move on to when our bodies stop working but I visited a medium two years ago. The first thing the medium said to me was that I had three visitors, one of whom was my husband. I have been married twice before so I asked him which husband ( I was testing him!) and he immediately came back with, no, it’s your partner. From that point on he had me hooked. He told me my partner was my soul mate, that he was always with me and will be waiting for me when it my turn to leave this physical world. He asked me what the significance of yellow roses is. I hadn’t a clue but since then a yellow rose bush in my garden is always full of roses. This time last year a pink rose bush came out with one yellow rose. I have a pic of it covered in frost and a couple of days later snow. Regardless of what this is, it has comforted me. I don’t feel alone, i still say goodnight to him (in case he is listening!)
i am trying to say that until the final moment I don’t think you will know how you will respond., try not to preempt or pre-analyse your emotions. You are already going through all the stages of grieving and there may be a big sense of relief that it is finally over. I was fortunate in that with my partner‘s death all my memories were happy ones. I have had to erase the memories of the last year of my father’s life as they aren’t the ones I want to remember. If you haven‘t already made one, create a memory book. These are the memories you will want to keep and not be overwritten by the coming events. This is where you will find Bridget in the moments you think you are alone.