i don’t necessarily need any replies, i just want to get my thoughts out. i’ve woken up and it’s another day not knowing what the future holds. Bridget had a stroke that caused her to have that fall. I believe that to be the case although the doctor could not be certain. She’s still in hospital under observation and who knows what the outcome will be for our futures. I hate the thought that Bridget is suffering so and that she is so frightened and disoriented in hospital. But even if i was there, even if I was able to hold her she doesn’t respond to me but i see her as the one i love. What a mixed up bunch of emotions. So apart from looking after the practical side of things i’m redundant.
I imagine her being in the last stages of her life. i’m anticipating her next stroke and it could be her last and then we’re into palliative care and me just waiting for her to die. And when she’s gone what then? I don’t see any future without her and I can’t get emotionally attached to anyone again, i don’t know if i could go through this again. I can’t imagine loving anyone like Bridget and, anyway, it wouldn’t be fair to someone if you can’t give all your love.
And then i think i’m being selfish as i know many of us are experiencing the same feeling and why should I be different. Why do i think my feelings are that special? But i have nowhere else to turn to but to you. My family and friends are there, sure, but none have experienced this. Counselling if finished and the Samaritans are limited in advice.
So now what? I just don’t know. I don’t know if i’m strong enough to soldier on day after day feeling Bridget’s distress, anticipating her deterioration, wanting against hope for her to be just content. I would swap places with her in a heartbeat as she would have a richer life than me with her children.
As i said, this is me getting it out to a place where it’s the only place i have. Bless you all, Peter