Peter. Bless you, we all have concerns, regrets and certainly there are times when any one of us loses our patience, are selfish and downright horrid and at times regretfully cruel. We all dwell on the things we have done, and wish with all our heart that we could turn back the clock, start over and then we would have all the patience, unselfish attitude, kindness itself and be absolutely altruistic. Definitely do things differently! However, even if all this were possible we would not have a hope in hell. After 24 hour caring, answering the same question 40 odd times, cleaning and changing umpteen times, trying persuasion, asking, shouting, screaming, pleading, calming and even entertaining etc we are expected to just carry on regardless, robotic, carrying out each task, devoid of thought just overwhelming exhaustion, no point in us, no friendship to speak of anymore, no discussion, no laughter, no loving and certainly no marriage, nothing as it was or will be again - just caring, just waiting for one smile, one kind word - please, thanks - but nothing just emptiness.
No one is a born carer. we are all human with every fault you can name and more. No one asked us, taught us. sent us to Uni to learn how to care for someone who has forgotten how to care for themselves never mind others - none of which is their fault or ours, just the luck of the draw. fate, destiny, genes, DNA or even ‘ it’s written in the book of our life the Lord has’.
Absolutely not ? maybe, possibly no one knows but we can only do our best. carry on, cope with little or no help whilst trying to protect ourselves from the hurt, permanent anxiety, and stress whilst always trying to hold our innermost feelings and emotions in the background sometimes for years and all these feelings have to come to the forefront, we cannot and certainly should not bottle them up Peter, each one of us have regrets and feelings of guilt we are human it’s evolved in every one of us, if only - I would have, could have, should have, definitely would 100% no question - but we would not and we have to learn to live with the - I did my very best, my utmost, tried my hardest, everything I could, would have given my life for. The mental strain on a carer is one of the most misunderstood aspects ever, and it is totally understandable that you feel as you do but you must accept it and recognise that it normal to feel this way. However, please don’t ever think these feelings are unique to you, as they are certainly not, everyone feels the same, just some find it easier to cope with them but believe me everyone’s feelings surface from time to time. There is nothing actually wrong with you Peter this is part of a massive massive change in your whole way of life, your hopes and dreams have been crushed but you must believe that you will get through this and come out the other side, different and changed but still the same Peter.
I often think this is our hell, on earth, and who is to say Bridget has not escaped this hell and gone forward into a better world.
My prayers for you and everyone xx