Hi I have been made Essential care for my husband as government guidance.I can go and be with my husband every day if I want to. It has been wonderful spending time with him,helping with food and shaving him, I find it hard the reality of his dementia, I leave the home feeling upset coming back to our empty house,I just want him home.
Dementia’s journey
- Thread starter Dutchman
- Start date
@Stacey sue you say “I find it hard the reality of his dementia”. That’s exactly it. My husband went into care on Wednesday. I have to keep telling myself that he’s really ill, and if he had a physical illness then I wouldn’t hesitate to allow others to look after him.
It’s great that you have been allowed to be an ‘essential Carer’, but it seems so wrong that others have to give permission for us to have daily contact with our loved ones. I have been married for 47yrs and now am not allowed to see my husband whilst he is in quarantine despite neither of us having tested positive for COVID, both having been careful to shield as much as possible, and both having had our first vaccinations. My husband no longer recognizes me andIm worried that when I do see him again he will simply ignore me, or not want to see me and walk away.
As you say the house is very empty without him. I find the grief washes over me in waves.
It’s great that you have been allowed to be an ‘essential Carer’, but it seems so wrong that others have to give permission for us to have daily contact with our loved ones. I have been married for 47yrs and now am not allowed to see my husband whilst he is in quarantine despite neither of us having tested positive for COVID, both having been careful to shield as much as possible, and both having had our first vaccinations. My husband no longer recognizes me andIm worried that when I do see him again he will simply ignore me, or not want to see me and walk away.
As you say the house is very empty without him. I find the grief washes over me in waves.
Hi @None the Wiser - I do sympathise. My OH went into care last week, after 10 days in hospital, and I saw him for the first time yesterday, after almost three weeks apart. It was a disconcerting experience as he glared at me. I am hoping that my next visit is better.
Yes the grief washes over me and I too feel the house is empty without him. I get up as soon as I wake up otherwise I go over and over my decision as I lay there. I put the TV on and try to take an interest in what is happening out there in the world.
It's so tough dealing with these feelings. Thinking of you.
Yes the grief washes over me and I too feel the house is empty without him. I get up as soon as I wake up otherwise I go over and over my decision as I lay there. I put the TV on and try to take an interest in what is happening out there in the world.
It's so tough dealing with these feelings. Thinking of you.
None the wiser, It wasn’t easy to get the ECare, a lot of homes are following guidance, I expect they were sick of me crying at the window visits!! My husband has deteriorated in this last year, Because you have been parted and no contact he doesn’t remember me,he thinks I am one of the careers. I feel better for helping out with his care, even though I still find hard excepting the dementia. I like you have good and bad days,
Hi @Old Flopsy and @blackmortimer and all my friends here. As with all of us I’m anxious about going into the care home. To actually physically be in the same building as Bridget, to actually tred the same floor as her will be weird. I’m advised not to even see her till tomorrow because of tiredness after her jab.
I hate Sundays. It just brings back all the memories of Bridget not understanding Sunday opening times, arguing over tv schedules, just sitting there staring at the daytime tv, oh and demanding to be taken to the hospital looking for “me”. I usually bunker down on a Sunday and try to just be still and calm. Just me and the far too much time on my hands and far too little with which to fill it.
Bless you all and thinking of you today
Peter
I hate Sundays. It just brings back all the memories of Bridget not understanding Sunday opening times, arguing over tv schedules, just sitting there staring at the daytime tv, oh and demanding to be taken to the hospital looking for “me”. I usually bunker down on a Sunday and try to just be still and calm. Just me and the far too much time on my hands and far too little with which to fill it.
Bless you all and thinking of you today
Peter
Hi @Stacey sue . I suspect that when I do go inside the home I too will be seen as a carer. It will be hard and I’ll cry and do my best to hold it in. The staff are well aware of how I get upset. I’m the only husband who visits and because of this they are sensitive to my feelings.
Today is a bad day because it’s Sunday. It will always have associations with random bloody dementia behaviour. Those arguments, shouting, pleading, begging even to get my poor Bridget to see sense
( hopeless), to appreciate my side of things and hoping that she’d just go to sleep to give us both some peace.
God bless you and give you some peace today
Peter x
@Old Flopsy it keeps on coming. i hope your OH is alright. can you go to the hospital? or is it a carer? its easy to slip in the shower.
My dear @Old Flopsy. try not to worry too much ( easy I know). Believe me I will be thinking of you all day. Let us know later what is happening
peter.
peter.
Hi @jennifer1967 - no I can't go to the hospital. The ambulanceman found low BP and OH said his back hurts so they have taken him to hospital for MRI, head scan. and fluids to improve BP and carer said they hope to get him back to the home tonight. Hopefully someone went with him.
OH has a fear of showers since he slipped in a hotel shower abroad four years ago, and had to have ten stitches on his scalp- but of course as it happened abroad it's not on his NHS records.
What a nightmare.
OH has a fear of showers since he slipped in a hotel shower abroad four years ago, and had to have ten stitches on his scalp- but of course as it happened abroad it's not on his NHS records.
What a nightmare.
Telephone the hospital to see if you can join him there, it is doubtful if the care home can spare a member of staff to stay with him and you could be useful in keeping him company if they let you in with him.
@Banjomansmate. The ambulanceman told me the first time (three weeks ago) when the same thing happened that I would only be allowed to answer the medical questions at A&E and then I would have to leave, but I could have a phone call instead which is what I did. The carer didn't suggest I should go this morning, so I am going to just let it happen- I think he will have been admitted to the falls ward by now.
Oh my goodness @Old Flopsy. So sorry to hear your latest. What a strange world we all now inhabit. After months/years of sole care for them we are suddenly and brutally shut out, only knowing second or third hand what is happening in their world.
Ince my husband went into care last Wednesday I feel as though I’m trying to swim in very murky water. Grieving for someone that is still alive. It’s so hard to think of them with others and knowing they’re so vulnerable. In the end we have no choice but to ‘let it happen’. But it’s against all our instincts. Thinking of you. I hope your OH is OK. Take care.
Ince my husband went into care last Wednesday I feel as though I’m trying to swim in very murky water. Grieving for someone that is still alive. It’s so hard to think of them with others and knowing they’re so vulnerable. In the end we have no choice but to ‘let it happen’. But it’s against all our instincts. Thinking of you. I hope your OH is OK. Take care.
@None the Wiser - Yes it's so true- we try to care 24/7 then suddenly we are empty handed with no role-( this is how I felt when my new born baby died in hospital so many years ago). We long to be doing the caring again even though the role will destroy us. The grief is endless- I long for the man he once was but realistically much of him has 'gone'. Oh for some good news.
I can’t imagine how you got through the trauma of losing a new born at birth @Old Flopsy . I am so very sorry to hear that you went through that. You must have had to dig deep into your reserves as you’re having to now. ’Empty handed’ - another good way of describing what it’s like now. I can’t believe that I’m now looking back at the last dreadful few weeks when I was really struggling and wishing we were back there! What madness is that?
Grief, it sucks doesn’t it
I hope no one minds me just expressing stuff as it helps me calm down. I’m painting some very small pictures, deeply engrossed in what I’m doing and then bang, the sniper of grief shots me again, without warning, never misses. It’s the emptiness this time knowing Bridget will never be here again to share this home and my life. The thought just wipes me out and I stop and cry. I suppose it’s part of the range of emotions to do with loss and loneliness. I’ve just read that this can happen even after another 20 years , it never leaves you. Boy oh boy what a prospect!
I hope no one minds me just expressing stuff as it helps me calm down. I’m painting some very small pictures, deeply engrossed in what I’m doing and then bang, the sniper of grief shots me again, without warning, never misses. It’s the emptiness this time knowing Bridget will never be here again to share this home and my life. The thought just wipes me out and I stop and cry. I suppose it’s part of the range of emotions to do with loss and loneliness. I’ve just read that this can happen even after another 20 years , it never leaves you. Boy oh boy what a prospect!
Hello @Dutchman. Please, oh please, keep just ‘expressing stuff’. It’s really helping me process too. Everything I do at the moment I seem to be thinking “we’ll never do this again together. I’m sure it’s something everyone must experience when they’re grieving, but I wish I could think more positively about the situation.
@Dutchman Nobody minds you expressing yourself Peter- it's why we are all here- holding each other up.
The hospital is keeping OH in overnight to do scan etc but they just rang and said OH wants to speak to you- but all he wanted to say to me was 'I'm in hospital, can you come and pick me up'- when I mentioned that he is there following a fall he said 'that's not true- I haven't had a fall'. More heartache as I feel so awful now.
The hospital is keeping OH in overnight to do scan etc but they just rang and said OH wants to speak to you- but all he wanted to say to me was 'I'm in hospital, can you come and pick me up'- when I mentioned that he is there following a fall he said 'that's not true- I haven't had a fall'. More heartache as I feel so awful now.
Sending you a virtual hug for strength @Old Flopsy. At least he can talk to you even if it doesn’t make any real sense! Their reality is so very different to ours. It feels like ‘Alice in Wonderland’.
Hello, @Dutchman. I know what you mean about Sundays. It takes me back to the 1950s when everything was shut - does anyone remember the "Hancock's Half Hour" episode about Sunday afternoon boredom? I've just been taken out by the dog but it's so cold that I couldn't take too much of it and came pretty sharpish. The beast from the east (or rather north east) is particularly biting in these parts. So I'm back, left with my thoughts. I gather Margaret is having her second vaccine dose this coming week after which there may be some further relaxation in the visiting rules. But, like you, I'm not at all sure about visiting - rather nervous at what I may find and how she'll receive me and even whether she'll recognise me. Still I'll go as and when I can and hope for the best.
I'm not sure the curtain of gloom that's come down following Prince Philip's death is helping me. It's a catalyst for too many memories. I'm not a royalist, but the end of an era feeling is palpable and when you're feeling low already it isn't conducive to improving one's existing sadness. I was taken to The Mall to wave a flag as small boy on the day of the Royal Wedding and still remember it but for no reason at all the recollection now leaves me in floods of tears.
Sorry to be gloomy. I'll try and pull myself together!
God bless all
I'm not sure the curtain of gloom that's come down following Prince Philip's death is helping me. It's a catalyst for too many memories. I'm not a royalist, but the end of an era feeling is palpable and when you're feeling low already it isn't conducive to improving one's existing sadness. I was taken to The Mall to wave a flag as small boy on the day of the Royal Wedding and still remember it but for no reason at all the recollection now leaves me in floods of tears.
Sorry to be gloomy. I'll try and pull myself together!
God bless all
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