guess you knew I would reply Peter! My world has changed, I’m a widow and the world is not very kind to widows any more than it is to carers. It’s hard to say if the grief is more intense, It could be but I won’t let it be. I can only deal with it little bits at a time. For a long time I was frozen, not even feeling grief, just shock. But then the grief came. I keep telling myself that grief is normal and trying to function alongside it. It is so hard to accept that the best part of your life is over. Things seem pointless without Keith. He was my world. But I am still here, still useful to society, and I can laugh even if I don’t mean it.Every day. To be brutally honest i’m scared how i’m going to handle things when Bridget’s not there anymore. I look into her eyes in the small films i take when i see her and i see a definite vacancy. The pupils are pinpointed, the eyes not really focused. There is a definite difference in her look that suggests to me that she’s deteriorating daily. Or am i just looking for these things? I don’t know.
She looks out at the world and i see utter confusion and i’m frightened for her. And then i’m at home going over these videos and i think, if i’m like this now what’s my world going to be like after she’s died. Most of the books i’ve got are about grief when someone has died but i’m suffering with it now. How’s it going to be different? God help me if it’s more intense because that would probably finish me.
Many say dementia and it’s effect on us left behind sort of prepares us for the eventual death. Can that be so? Is it too painful for someone to comment on this because i would really understand your reluctance. Am i asking too much from the Forum ? There’s on so much you can understand from these books.
All my thoughts, Peter, I know this is agony. But as for whether I was prepared by dementia for the actual death, yes I think so. with love, Geraldine