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Dementia’s journey

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
780
Lytham St Annes
Peter.....please understand these are only my thoughts and I am by no means an expert....but

I feel that maybe in a way you are afraid to accept the situation and almost feel you deserve to suffer because of Bridget’s illness and how she is no longer the person she once was, you feel like if she is suffering then you have to also!!

If you have a reasonable day, you feel guilty for it, which upsets you and sets you back.

This disease is awful it steals ordinary lives and dreams, alters how people live their lives.

You have to accept and try to take comfort that Bridget is very well cared for and is settled as best she can be in the home.

It’s easier said than done, but I do think you need professional help now moving forward, you need and deserve help to ease this incessant hurt, please don’t struggle on without talking to your Dr.

Sometimes no matter how hard we try, we haven’t got a big enough stick to bash that guilt monster that sits on our shoulder tormenting us, and who just won’t go away....sometimes we need help to do it.

Take care x
 

Lirene

Registered User
Sep 15, 2019
236
You will never be harshly judged Peter, you have absolutely nothing to be judged for and no one on earth would judge you. At the end of the day you can only do your best, which is exactly what you have done and which we are all doing. However now is the time to cease feeling guilty for the illness Bridget has and for your own sanity. For all the world you would never wish this on a living soul and although you love someone with all your heart you cannot change their destiny. What happens to our loved ones throughout their life cannot be changed by us, they live the life that has been chosen for them be it long or short, harsh or easy. Be as patient and kind to yourself as you were and still are with Bridget, the overwhelming guilt you feel is a mixture of extreme heartbreak together with absolute grief and grieving for a living soul. You can speak to everyone and anyone but the only person who can help you 100% is you. You can be sad and you can grieve but not constantly you cannot let it ruin not only your life but Bridget’s life - she only has you, she needs you as you need her and if you go down then so does she and you cannot allow this all-consuming grief to take the rest of the time you have together. Please seek help and soon, maybe your GP can assist with grief counselling or similar. All of your friends on here are so worried about you and we will always be here for you.
I pray the Lord holds you in his arms and gives you respite and comfort. My prayers for you and all xx
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
861
Devon
i just want to say that i feel humbled by the depth of your replies and your willingness to give me support. When i’m in a better place i’ll try to support others going through these terrible times.

Im not sure about the chance of counselling as it was cancelled for me when Covid came along. Now they’ve scrapped the service altogether ( counselling for Carers). I will go to the Dr just to see if there’s anything availabl.

Thanks once again to everyone who has supported me for so long.

Bless you all
peter xx
 

Lirene

Registered User
Sep 15, 2019
236
I would like to offer you an answer, an end, the final chapter, the final page of the book the end of the story but I can’t Peter. All I can offer is sincerity, honesty, hope, friendship and the realisation that we are all here with you fighting and battling on every second, minute, hour day and night, and if you think any one of us is not 100% fighting alongside you and praying for you - you are my friend sadly mistaken. We are a family of hurt and broken souls who find themselves alone, totally incapable of knowing which way to turn and what to do for the best. Here on this forum we can scream, shout, cry, be together as one and try to find answers to what is tearing each one of us apart. You are not alone Peter and never will be, we are all here to keep you going, each other going and fighting on and trying to get through each day and night. Don’t ever think anyone of us will let you give up, because we won’t.
Seek help Peter, speak up and say what is tearing out your soul, shout and fight for what you know you need, this is the hardest fight but you must win - you know in your heart of hearts this is not your fault and you have nothing to feel guilty about but this now about you and getting you stronger. Bridget is safe and happy in her world and for this you must be thankful, she is content with her life as it is now and you in turn must find contentment in yours. Seek the help you need Peter. My prayers for you and everyone xx
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,949
South East
Oh @Dutchman , Buddy is lovely , he will be a tremendous support to you I’m sure , my lovely dog is the one thing that keeps me sane , a nice walk with her does wonders for my soul . I would love you to keep us updated with pictures and tails 😊 of your adventures . Take care
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
861
Devon
Oh @Dutchman , Buddy is lovely , he will be a tremendous support to you I’m sure , my lovely dog is the one thing that keeps me sane , a nice walk with her does wonders for my soul . I would love you to keep us updated with pictures and tails 😊 of your adventures . Take care
please see my post of 4.12 pm on Thursday. Had to take Buddy back for reasons outlined there. Please see other’s responses.

God bless. Peter xx
How are you today, Peter? Do you have any plans?
lot better today thanks. This morning was a relief that i didn’t need to take Buddy out and run the gauntlet of other people’s aggressive dogs and sniffy people moaning about cleaning up after ones dog.

saw my friends who were very supportive
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
861
Devon
i’m more contented now realising that there is nothing more can be done by me or anyone apart from the home carers that could make Bridget’s life any more satisfactory. I really can’t think of anything. If there was I’d do it now.

Im taking in those greeting cards that make a bird noise when opened. Blackbird and robin were her favourite and hope that these songs give her pleasure. That, together with the Maltesers, flowers and bananas . She shut her finger in her door and, bless her, showed it to me as soon as i saw her, just as a child would. I wanted so much to comfort her and kiss it better. The staff are wonderful and keeping an eye on it.

Peter
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,949
South East
I’m sorry I didn’t see your post and hope I didn’t upset you . I’m sure you did the right thing for you and for Buddy .
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
861
Devon
Hi everyone. Treated myself to a new phone so here it is being used. Retail therapy to blow the blues away for a while. I don’t drink, gamble, smoke or go around with loose women, so what the heck.

Seriously though, missing Bridge like mad this morning for some inexplicable reason. I’ve got a close up picture of her in the home looking content as my screen saver. Guess I just want to kiss her and comfort her, and I can’t.

I’ll go to the garden centre and spend some money there. At least plants give me loads of pleasure.

Our church has managed to find an outside venue as an experiment so my community is reforming. And when I mentioned the episode with the dog and daughter they said you’ve got us as companionship, so that’s consoling.

Bless you all, Peter
 

big l

Registered User
Aug 15, 2015
63
PLEASE Dutchman let your daughter get you some help. You are finding all this just too hard to bear and would benefit from some professional support for YOU . Denying yourself any pleasure is not a sacrifice, it's a cry for help. Let someone answer it for you..
 

Lirene

Registered User
Sep 15, 2019
236
Hi Peter, I am so pleased about your Church reforming, albeit outside - pouring rain, gales snow and hail - the Lord will welcome you all with open arms and give you strength and courage. Take strength from the Church community, open your heart and let them give you the help you have needed for so long. Please let us know how the outside service goes, we will all be there with you in spirit.
Retail therapy for large umbrella maybe an idea.
My prayers for you and everyone xx
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
861
Devon
Hi everyone. It’s been just over a year now since Bridge went into the home and a separation for good of me from her. A forgetting is going on of just what it was like to live with her during the good and great times we had as we haven’t got the day to day reminders that couples take for granted. Ordinary stuff of day to day living. We don’t share a past anymore, just me looking back.

And every time I go to see her I realise that the past has stopped for her and we are now different people. Her in her world and me in mine. There’s a comfort in sharing memories that’s now gone and I can’t get any enjoyment from trying to relive those times on my own.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
1,220
Southampton
ive not replied before but have been reading your posts for a while. you sound such a decent man caing for your wife right up til now and beyond. you are still caring for bridget by meeting her needs in a care home. it doesnt matter where she is, she is still your wife and you love her unconditionally and always will. that wont change ever. she may not be able to show it anymore but she loves you as well so dont feel guilty about taking time for yourself and doing things that give you pleasure, im sure your wife would approve. dont feel guilty and thank goodness you picked up the phone. get help from the doctor, its a very dark place to be and ive been there and come back. take the support and use it remember she loves you and your daughter as well. we had a lurcher which has the same soppy temperment and was very sensitive to my moods and would come over to me and stand there. dog or no dog, take time for yourself and remember you probably grieving for what was.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
861
Devon
As we all know by now grief has no patten or direction, just randomly does what it wants.

I , for one, thought i was making some sort of progress ( whatever that means) until i saw Bridget in the home yesterday and the feeling of loss struck me hard. Sure, i’m not feeling so raw, the wound analogy means i don’t keep touching it and want it to get better, but i keep knocking it and it hurts.

They want me to try a walk in the garden tomorrow, accompanied by a carer as Bridget will want to walk off. I’m strangely nervous about this not being with her outside since March and i hope it doesn’t upset me too much. I’m also a bit jealous of the comfort the staff can give to her when she’s hurt herself ( finger in door) as that used to be my job. But i can’t do anything about it. I can’t add one thing more than what i’m doing to make her life any better than it is already.

Does anyone have a favourite book on our type of grieving, on our particular situation, that they can recommend? i’ve devoured many in the early days and their comfort is limited.

One more thing before i go. Family. One daughter is annoyed because her brother is noticeably absent in being concerned about his mum. It happens i know. I’ve talked to him and he admits his useless at this type of thing and i believe, for him, it’s a coping strategy, but that’s an easy way out. I’m inclined to let it lie because i don’t want anymore aggravation than is already here. I could press him on this but what’ll it achieve? A guilty 5 hour journey down to see her perhaps resenting the pressure from us all. What a situation!!

God bless you all

Peter
 

Stacey sue

Registered User
Jan 24, 2020
77
Hi, I can relate to this zigzag grief, no two days are the same , I am so unhappy but put a brave face on to everyone. No one knows what this is like unless you have lived With it. There must be better times ahead for us all, I really hope so ,
best wishes to all.x
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
1,220
Southampton
you have given your wife visits and time.your thoughtfulness about the bird song and flowers bananas. walking with her outside. she showed you her finger so it shows somewhere your wife trusts you. she may not be able to acknowledge the things you still do for her but you do. you are so thoughtful of her needs and likes. you need to feel proud of yourself.