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Peter, you can't say you've gone behind Bridget's back by getting Buddy, just because she wasn't involved in the decision. You make decisions every day that no longer involve Bridget, like when to go shopping or visit family, paying all your bills, making repairs around the house - you name it. You are able to accept that you must do these things without consulting Bridget.Ok, here’s the thing. I’ve had really awful day one way and another. First i had to speak to the Samaritans as i was in a bad way this morning and then with a Admiral nurse this evening.
Bottom line is that I’ve gone behind her back again with the dog and it’s no longer a shared responsibility. The nurse said that i deserve a spot of happiness but in my heart I believe I don’t. Is that logic? No it’s guilty feelings. Again she confirmed that it’s all worse for me because for Bridget, well, she doesn’t have the same emotional capacity any more.
We have this disassociation between logic and feelings. Perhaps i feel too much but i can’t have it any other way. Dementia is cruel as we know but what the dementia situation is doing to me is pulling me back to a place i don’t want to any more.
I too have thought about suicide in my darkest times especially on Monday when Bridget looked so pathetic and lost. But thinking is not doing. There’s a difference but we feel we must do something to stop the hurting.
Peter, for what it’s worth, I completely understand. I felt so bonded to Keith that we were like one person and I didn’t want a life apart from him. Any kind of happiness felt disloyal. This is a human reaction though it will frustrate others who want happiness for us again. It’s one reaction to grief, there are so many different ways to feel and react. Dog or no dog, your reaction is human. All sympathy. Geraldine aka kindred.hello,
Since i last spoke to someone i may have jumped the gun but i’ve taken the dog back to the kennel. I made a terrible mistake and rather than him getting really used to me i thought i’d take him back sooner rather than later. Now i’m the bad boy with my daughter ( Claire ) who believes that a dog would have been good company, etc. Why didn’t you discuss this with me this morning she says. But she would have talked me into keeping him longer.
I just felt that on top of everything else, my ongoing heartache for Bridget seeing her slowly deteriorate each week, the upset i get when i go to the home, well you know the rest, i couldn’t take on more responsibility with caring for a dog.
My daughter doesn’t see it that way. She want me to separate off Bridget’s situation and for me to concentrate on my happiness. She sees Bridget as an excuse to me ever enjoying life. A dog, she thinks would have been a comfort and company. Ok in theory but too much for me . She says as far as she can see things now i have limited choices. Either I bring Bridget home and employ carers or go get more medication or just carry on as i’m doing wallowing in my misery. When asked what she would do in my situation she says “dad, you saw this coming over the past 5 years and the inevitability of a care home and none of the family can understand why you don’t want some happiness in your life“ Of course i want to feel better but there’s so much in my way.
I seriously thought about bringing her home back in September 2019 but that’s not logistically possible as you know ( and i’d lose her room in the home), medication is short term and i’ve been made to feel weak by her term “wallowing”. I certainly feel weak and wretched for suddenly getting rid of the dog
I’m a mess again after i believed i was just getting somewhere. I’m stuck emotionally and serious fear for my sanity now. Should i have had the dog, should i have kept him longer ( should i back there later tomorrow and get him back) ? Oh I don’t know.
Now i’ve got to tell everyone else who had high expectations for me.
I care so much for Bridget even though it’s the care home job to look after her. I cannot separate the two. Perhaps things will be different much later on, who knows.
When asked would Bridget be pleased for you that you’re trying to make yourself happier, i really don’t know. Perhaps i feel that acceptance of happiness is somehow something wrong and i’ve no right to it. Is that weird?
Anyway, i really don’t know where i go from here