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Dementia’s journey

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
825
Devon
As a lot of you will know by now is that Bridget has been in a home for nearly a year. I phoned the home today as i do when i don’t visit and managed to have a conversation with one of my favourite staff.

She said that Bridget is wandering the corridors at the moment and does so regularly. zShe was doing this with me before lockdown.

Thing is, because she can never settle and wanders, do i assume she’s looking for something she’ll never find, forgets all the time shes doing the same thing, agitated all the time, unhappy and looking for the “happy place“ . I don’t know. All i do know is that i imagine the worse and think she’s unhappily anxious and that upsets me terribly.

Perhaps she’s just bored. But she’s exposed to 10 times the amount of stimulation that she had when back with me. All we did was a short drive for breakfast and then sit in front of the tv all day.

Any ideas fro your experience?

Peter
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,966
Kent
My mother was a corridor walker.
I don't think she was searching for anything. It was quite touching really, she walked hand in hand with another lady for quite a while until the other lady died.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
825
Devon
At least Bridge is getting exercise and not sitting in a chair all day. Her body is healthy but her brain is damaged. Staff said i could sit outside with her but likely she would wander off in the garden. At least through the office window where we look at each other she’s confined .

Im going to see her today. Next door gave me some home grown sweet peas for her. The smell is lovely and the colours and smell are basic ways of communication between her and me.

God bless

peter
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
825
Devon
Hi there. Further observations on how dementia can mess with your mind.

i went to the home today with my bunch of flowers and they brought Bridget to the window so we could see each other

After taking the flowers, smelling the sweet peas, she said as plain and understandable with expression to match that she was tired. She made facial expressions that we all make when not sure of something. What i’m trying to say is that i was standing in front of someone acting almost normally and i’m forgetting and being fooled into thinking that here is my wife of old and I want you back to start again. Almost like she’s cured.

Anyway, i said i’ll see you soon and off she went. Of course i’m upset and sat in the car for some time to calm down.

Peter
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
825
Devon
Morning everyone. i’ve been thinking, after yesterday’s visit, that i am really doing all i can in the circumstances. I take flower and treats, decent pull up pants, chocolates and bananas.

Ive lead myself to believe that i can do the possible in an impossible situation and that’s wearing both emotionally and, at times, physically. But it doesn’t stop me from wanting it to otherwise. This time last year she was moving bags and bags of random stuff to the front door wanting to go away. I want to go, i need to go, please take me , i need to go now. I would say we’re not going anywhere and she would repeat for hours that i have to take her. We suspected it was her parents home.

That agony is now gone and she’s in a calmer place thank God.

Bless you all, Peter
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
825
Devon
Hello,
Just got back from a visit. i’ve had a shock and just want to unload. As i turned into the care home drive who should i see but my wife walking towards me quickly being followed by one of the staff. Bridget had got out and was walking towards the entrance.

I got out the car and went up to her and for the first time since lockdown i held her hand and put my arm round her waist in an effort to turn her round. I was literally speechless and held back tears at the opportunity to hold her once again even if it was because of the result of a bolt for freedom.

It goes to show that all those heartbreak feelings we tuck away to get through the day are just below the surface waiting to come up. Given a chance they catch us unawares and for me it was like being back when i was trying to stop her from escaping our house.

Peter
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,514
Peter, that must have been surreal to see her coming like that and to have the experience of holding her again. Of course those feelings are still there. What a shock.
All my thoughts, with love, Geraldinex
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
825
Devon
Kindred, you know, all i wanted to do was hold her and protect her. Deep down i feel it’s my job to do that but i’m more than satisfied logically that the home are there for me.

What i also wanted to say was as soon as she saw me get out the car she smiled and said i’m a lovely man. It just cracked me up
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,514
Kindred, you know, all i wanted to do was hold her and protect her. Deep down i feel it’s my job to do that but i’m more than satisfied logically that the home are there for me.

What i also wanted to say was as soon as she saw me get out the car she smiled and said i’m a lovely man. It just cracked me up
Oh my dear I know. I know. Hold on to this as a blessing if you can. when Keith was severely affected, once when they wheeled him into the lounge he held out his arms to me and said, it’s you, it’s beautiful YOU. I relive this over and over again.
Of course you wanted to hold and protect her and she still knows you are a lovely man. What a thing to happen...
With love, Kindred,x
 

Just me

Registered User
Nov 17, 2013
391
I’m so please that you and Bridget were at the same place at the same time and you were able to hold her again even if it was under unusual circumstances.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,966
Kent
It was meant to be @Dutchman.

Perhaps also it was meant to remind you that if you still had her at home she would still be trying to escape.

It`s how it was with both my husband and my mother.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
825
Devon
Picture the scene. A full cup of tea in one hand and a determined look on her face, me quickly getting out of the car to stop her and staff running after her. I dread to think what would have happened if i was a minute later ( although the staff would have caught up i’m sure).

I’m getting a dog. A greyhound in about 2 weeks. He’s lovely. I hope he will be a great companion.

Here’s the thing though. I feel a little guilty about this and i know i shouldn’t. in a way it spoils it for me. I suppose it’s because i’m doing this without her knowing where before we decided everything together. Is it normal that we feel uneasy about living our separate lives now where i can make these decisions on my own? I can almost hear her say you only think of yourself and you’re selfish ( these things were said just before she moved out to the home).

damn dementia. It impacts on everything very cruelly

Peter
 

Stacey sue

Registered User
Jan 24, 2020
71
Hi Peter, I am sure the dog will be a good companion, I have had to take over finances , If he knew that he was in a care home and paying 60,000 a year for it he would go mad!!! We have to just jog along the best we can. He can not make any decisions now, although I so wish he could. That was a lovely coincidence that you happened to be there at that time. Was ment to be. XXSSue
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
825
Devon
i needed to go shopping today so i drove to the shops which took me past the turn-off for Bridget’s home. Coming back i again passed the turn off. I didn’t go to the home although i had the opportunity on both occasions.

Just another instance where i’m doing things without her being aware and i felt guilty for not visiting. All the time i feel awkward and uneasy about not seeing her even though i went on Tuesday and it was a disaster. It all pulls at my heart strings and i now feel also that we’re drifting more and more apart. How could it be otherwise as i only see her 3/4 times a week and then only for a short while. We lose them to dementia and again physically.

Bless you all , Peter
 

Old Flopsy

Registered User
Sep 12, 2019
13
i needed to go shopping today so i drove to the shops which took me past the turn-off for Bridget’s home. Coming back i again passed the turn off. I didn’t go to the home although i had the opportunity on both occasions.

Just another instance where i’m doing things without her being aware and i felt guilty for not visiting. All the time i feel awkward and uneasy about not seeing her even though i went on Tuesday and it was a disaster. It all pulls at my heart strings and i now feel also that we’re drifting more and more apart. How could it be otherwise as i only see her 3/4 times a week and then only for a short while. We lose them to dementia and again physically.

Bless you all , Peter
I have just been catching up on your recent posts and my heart goes out to you in your anguish.

I am so pleased that you have decided to get a canine companion. A greyhound will be lovely- I'm told that although they are renowned for running fast, they do in fact enjoy a lazy life- so you may be displaced from your sofa!

Old Flopsy