I feel all that you are saying too. I couldn’t fulfil all his needs either. I think it’s a form of self preservation and it seems to me that you are continuing to do this by posting here all your self doubt and self recrimination. We never get it all right in life, but you lived and loved and finally lost her physical presence because she was too ill for you to continue. Perhaps you could try and recall things you did do right rather than dwell on things you feel you got wrong. Keep trying - SuePlease forgive me before I even start. I’m feeling extremely upset about my lack of recognition of Bridget’s struggles and being so self centred during her last months here at home.
And I know some would question why I need to criticise myself so harshly. But I do.
Im still sleeping in the second bedroom. Our main bedroom hasn’t been used since she left. I felt I could be close to her if I just laid on her side of the main bed, just to see what she would have seen. She was going to bed early, about 4/5 o’clock in the afternoon and pleaded with me to join her. I said no it’s far too early. And anyway, by that time she was wearing the same clothes and no personal washing for weeks.
But while I lay there I realised how lonely she must have felt and how much she needed me and I wasn’t prepared to compromise. She must have felt really unhappy and I was too wrapped up in myself to see it. And then I realise that in those last months and weeks I was perpetually complaining about her, struggling to meet her random demands.
All in all, I failed. None of us want a second go at this but if I had a second chance then I hope I would have more empathy, sympathy and kindness. Now she’s quite content in the home, I’m told, but it grips me tightly that there’s no going back and no way of explaining to her that she would understand of how sorry I am for what I did or didn’t do.
I just had to get this out. And I don’t know if it helps.
love to you all