• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can now be found in our new area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

Dementia’s journey

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
709
Devon
It’s true about relationships. My wife who’s been a home now for just over 9 months seems to have settled into bonding with the staff and one or two residents. It’s a double edged knife though because we would want a relationship back with us. We crave for it to be normal with our loved one keeping us company.
On one hand we don’t want them to be unhappy but then again we want some feeling left for us.

peter
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
709
Devon
I’ve just come back from Morrison and I’m going to the home shortly with some flowers. It’s the only contact we can manage during lockdown.

I speak through the window and she brightens up when she sees me and the flowers. But she’s beginning to quite easily turn away and go back into the lounge. Lockdown is eroding any bond that we had and she seems content enough. Should I be happy that she seems content .
I wonder.?

But I’m not at all happy, why should I be. Four to five years of dementia behaviour, finally putting her into a home, being on my own after 30 years and seeing her go from lively and intelligent to submissive and a mere shell of what she was.

I’m going in a minute but I know I’ll be upset with the visit. It’s like visiting a stranger.

my best wishes to all on TP

Peter
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
709
Devon
Well, I visited the home and as expected got very upset ( not in front of Bridget ) and when I got back to the car cried my eyes out. She’s so well looked after but her vacancy when looking at me and confusion when saying a few words just cuts me up.

I’m sick and very tired of feeling emotional. There’s nothing I can do to change anything, if there was I’d do it. So I‘Ve decided to have a guilt free day as best I can and to just do very little. Probably won’t turn out like that but I’ve got to try.

signing off , still in dressing gown, might go back to bed.

peter

Ps. Is there anyone who’s experiencing Covid problems at the care home and how are the home dealing with it? If I can say anything in support please post.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
709
Devon
What with all the emotional stress of care home visits, loneliness, etc, it only took something small to push me over the edge today.

A blocked sink. It needed dismantling to get to the blockage.

I was so upset that I felt what’s the point of going on, if this had happened before Bridget would have been there with encouragement. Anyway, I phoned the Samaritans and spoke to a Wonderful women who calmed me down and spoke reassuringly. Still feel awful but what can I do in a situation where there is nothing you can do.

All I can do is to get through each day somehow

bless you all

peter
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,458
What with all the emotional stress of care home visits, loneliness, etc, it only took something small to push me over the edge today.

A blocked sink. It needed dismantling to get to the blockage.

I was so upset that I felt what’s the point of going on, if this had happened before Bridget would have been there with encouragement. Anyway, I phoned the Samaritans and spoke to a Wonderful women who calmed me down and spoke reassuringly. Still feel awful but what can I do in a situation where there is nothing you can do.

All I can do is to get through each day somehow

bless you all

peter
Yes, get through the day and write to us on here. That makes a lot of sense as a routine to me, Peter,
All thoughts and sympathy, this situation and now with the lockdown is hell. With love, kindred
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
709
Devon
Thanks Kindred. I tie myself in knots with being upset and TP has been a life saver....literally

bless you and with love

peter
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
709
Devon
I’m nearly off to see Bridget in the home. I want to see her and if I don’t go
feel as if somehow I’m letting her down. Even though she doesn’t know me anymore as her husband.

on the other hand it worries me greatly that I’ll be upset when I get there and when I leave And sometimes the only way I deal with it is to try to sleep the day away.

I cry a lot ( I’m crying now) because it frightens me what each and every day will make me feel.
I just can’t adapt to being on my own like this. It just an empty space and I can’t fill it with any positive wholesome emotions.

if there was just a way of coming to terms with it all. Medication doesn’t seem to be working
( it’s been at least 6 months now). Just writing this down calms me down a bit so sorry if day to day I unload on the forum.

Hopefully this torture will get less and less as time goes on. The trick is to feel better now, today and get some comfort from accepting. I just can’t today.

thanks for listening

Peter
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
709
Devon
I’ve just come back home and I’m in a bit of a state. I knew I would but it hurts so much seeing her and not being able to go in to hold her.

she looked at me , smiled and Said “you take care of yourself”. Well that did it and started to cry in front of her and tried told them back for her sake. I said “I love you” . I really don’t know what to do anymore as I can’t go on like this.

if I don’t go I feel I’m letting her down and when I do go I end up like this. Apart from phoning the Samaritans, Dementia Nurses and posting here I really don’t know what to do.

It’s been 9 months now and fear for my sanity. Sometimes there are no words to describe how we feel when we’re this heartbroken..

On one hand I’m lucky to have found such a wonderful loving woman in my life and on the other now I’m paying the price for loving her , the separation and the torture of grief.

thanks for reading this

peter
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,458
I’ve just come back home and I’m in a bit of a state. I knew I would but it hurts so much seeing her and not being able to go in to hold her.

she looked at me , smiled and Said “you take care of yourself”. Well that did it and started to cry in front of her and tried told them back for her sake. I said “I love you” . I really don’t know what to do anymore as I can’t go on like this.

if I don’t go I feel I’m letting her down and when I do go I end up like this. Apart from phoning the Samaritans, Dementia Nurses and posting here I really don’t know what to do.

It’s been 9 months now and fear for my sanity. Sometimes there are no words to describe how we feel when we’re this heartbroken..

On one hand I’m lucky to have found such a wonderful loving woman in my life and on the other now I’m paying the price for loving her , the separation and the torture of grief.

thanks for reading this

peter
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,458
I’ve just come back home and I’m in a bit of a state. I knew I would but it hurts so much seeing her and not being able to go in to hold her.

she looked at me , smiled and Said “you take care of yourself”. Well that did it and started to cry in front of her and tried told them back for her sake. I said “I love you” . I really don’t
I’ve just come back home and I’m in a bit of a state. I knew I would but it hurts so much seeing her and not being able to go in to hold her.

she looked at me , smiled and Said “you take care of yourself”. Well that did it and started to cry in front of her and tried told them back for her sake. I said “I love you” . I really don’t know what to do anymore as I can’t go on like this.

if I don’t go I feel I’m letting her down and when I do go I end up like this. Apart from phoning the Samaritans, Dementia Nurses and posting here I really don’t know what to do.

It’s been 9 months now and fear for my sanity. Sometimes there are no words to describe how we feel when we’re this heartbroken..

On one hand I’m lucky to have found such a wonderful loving woman in my life and on the other now I’m paying the price for loving her , the separation and the torture of grief.

thanks for reading this

peter
know what to do anymore as I can’t go on like this.

if I don’t go I feel I’m letting her down and when I do go I end up like this. Apart from phoning the Samaritans, Dementia Nurses and posting here I really don’t know what to do.

It’s been 9 months now and fear for my sanity. Sometimes there are no words to describe how we feel when we’re this heartbroken..

On one hand I’m lucky to have found such a wonderful loving woman in my life and on the other now I’m paying the price for loving her , the separation and the torture of grief.

thanks for reading this

peter
With you all the way, Peter. But that’s another day got through with honour and you have posted us on here. It is a routine in these dreadful times.
With love, geraldinex
 

Stacey sue

Registered User
Jan 24, 2020
52
Hi, I have not been able to see my husband , I can’t wait for the day when I can and hug him. This is torcher ,but I don’t think it is as bad for him,I hope not!! Because he has forgotten me as soon as I have gone. I Love him very much,but he is not the man he was. That is really hard to come to terms with,but is fact. The Isolation has made it so much worse, too much time on my own, I try and keep busy even doing jobs he would do. It’s hard going but one day at a time. Dave would not want me to be upset all the time, we had a good happy life and I am thankful for that, Life will not be the same without him , but our girls need me and I need them.
stay safe all. Stacey Sue.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
709
Devon
Hi Stacy sue. Good to hear from you and, I ache for my Bridget but not the time of dementia when she was here.

it’s so easy to see her now, in the home, nice and clean, good appetite, smiling and to easily imagine that I could transfer that back to our home, if by some miracle I could bring her home.

I hope and pray that, as you say, your Dave and my Bridget , In many ways , don’t remember our visits. To imagine that she is anxious for me is more than I could bear.

I’ll tell you now that I have thought about ending it all and thank God people have talked me round. Bridget still needs me even if she’s not aware of it and I have a family who I know would be upset. All I can do is get through the day and in her right mind Bridget would want me to be settled.

best wishes to you and family

peter
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
792
High Peak
Hello Peter,
I don't often post on your thread but wanted you to know that I always read your posts. I'm sure many others do too.

Sadly there's nothing much we can do to reduce your pain but we are here and listening and we care, so please take something from that if you can.

I hope today is a (little) better day and you find some sunshine.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
709
Devon
Thank you jaded n faded. That means a lot. Today I feel better. By that I mean no tears.

just off to Morrison’s and might buy a big cream bun as a treat
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,263
South East
Can I second @Jaded'n'faded , I too always read your posts , I don’t comment as I feel I don’t have anything useful to say as I haven’t been in that situation . You are doing so well though, sending you a great big virtual hug .
 

northumbrian_k

Registered User
Mar 2, 2017
1,027
Newcastle
Hi @Dutchman Reading your earlier post I thought about answering with an offer of some plumbing advice. I would have done so if I thought that it would make you smile. When my wife was at home I was lucky to get a smile or a friendly word from her or, if I did, I was too stressed to notice. She has been in her care home for a year now. Her quality of life has improved so much that when I do see her (currently only by video phone call) i can nearly always count on some fond moments that take us back to how things used to be. I know that you hate to be apart from Bridget but the fact that she smiles and speaks to you in a loving way suggests that the separation is not so difficult for her. Whilst that may hurt you, it does mean that the person that you put first is adapting to life in the care home. You should be glad that you had the courage to make the decision on her behalf and stop beating yourself up about it. I hope that this helps in some way.
 

Batsue

Registered User
Nov 4, 2014
4,847
Scotland
I am another one who always reads you posts but do not know what to say to you, I am glad you are feeling better today. Enjoy your cream bun.
 

Philbo

Registered User
Feb 28, 2017
825
Kent
Hello again @Dutchman (Peter)

I feel your pain - I lost my dear wife, Lyn, in mid January and although I miss her terribly, I am comforted that it happened before this current crisis took hold. So we were at least able to give her the send off she truly deserved.

The desperately hard thing has been dealing with all the grief since her passing. We had built up a very supportive circle of friends during the 6 year since being diagnosed but the lock-down has meant this support now consists mainly of texts, messaging and phone calls. Sure it's better than nothing, but I am missing the socialising and hugs, that were helping me get through it all immediately after her funeral.

The house had already become lonely since she had to go into nursing care in September, but the finality of it all takes it to another level.

I am coping (just) but it certainly does make you wonder at times, what is the point? I hope you can take comfort from the lovely replies that folk are sending you - we really are like an extended family?

Please feel free to send me a personal message at any time, if it would help.

Kind regards
Phil
 

Stacey sue

Registered User
Jan 24, 2020
52
Hi, I have also thought what is the point carrying on, our daughters have lost their dad ,I have to be here for them. I always thought I was quite a strong person,but I have learnt that I am not.. We just have to get over this Covid19 and then make some sort of life for ourselves. My daughter keeps telling me to look at the bigger picture! Dave is going to carry on his deterioration ,he is unaware of life outside the CH , I can not look after him like they do. Life goes on and ours must too. !!
One day at a time Peter It must get easier with time . kind regards Sue.
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,458
Hi, I have also thought what is the point carrying on, our daughters have lost their dad ,I have to be here for them. I always thought I was quite a strong person,but I have learnt that I am not.. We just have to get over this Covid19 and then make some sort of life for ourselves. My daughter keeps telling me to look at the bigger picture! Dave is going to carry on his deterioration ,he is unaware of life outside the CH , I can not look after him like they do. Life goes on and ours must too. !!
One day at a time Peter It must get easier with time . kind regards Sue.
Sue, that is such a lovely e mail, I find it encouraging too so thank you. I lost my beloved husband 6 months ago. I have felt what’s the point ... what kind of life can I have now. I keep telling myself that grief is normal. I feel there has been a point if I can do something useful to others, so I volunteer at the nursing home, which is tough at the moment. But it means there is some point to being alive!
Today I came across an astonishing song that I expect everyone but me knew about, it’s the Spanish coronavirus anthem. Resistere and the version with English subtitles is just amazing on this whole what is the point business. See if you can find it. Tell me what you think!
With love, Kindredx