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Dementia’s journey

jaymor

Volunteer Moderator
Jul 14, 2006
14,987
0
England
My condolences @blackmortimer on your sad loss. Your care and love for Margaret has shone through your posts. I wish you strength for the coming weeks and months.
 
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Old Flopsy

Registered User
Sep 12, 2019
312
0
Thinking of you @blackmortimer and I have said a prayer for you all.

It's a tough time and there is so much notifying to do now, and I hope your son is supporting you, like mine has supported me this last week.

Take comfort in your faith.
 

Pusskins

Registered User
Jun 6, 2020
326
0
New Zealand
Margaret dies peacefully in her sleep yesterday at 7.20 p.m. If you will , please pray for the repose of her soul and for me and our children for strength in the coming difficult days. Thank you all for your support over the months leading up to this sad time. It has meant a lot to me. Thank you @Dutchman in particular; your words have so often helped.

I shall probably be off air for a while now, but I shall post again when the time is right. Again, thank you and God bless.
@blackmortimer I am so sorry for your loss and pray that you can find comfort in the knowledge that Margaret is no longer suffering. Blessings to you and your family.
 

big l

Registered User
Aug 15, 2015
96
0
I too have felt your journey through these pages and so felt for you. May you find peace that she is now, finally at peace. So sad. So sorry.
 

blackmortimer

Registered User
Jan 2, 2021
296
0
Thank you, thank you, all of you for your kind and supportive words. After 48 hours I am still shell shocked and apt to burst into floods of tears at the slightest reminder of Margaret. My son has been a tower of strength. He stayed over for two nights and went with me today to the nursing home to collect Margaret's things, a task I would have found impossible without him. Driving away was like closing the door on the final stage of Margaret's journey but I have found some consolation in restoring Margaret's effects to where they belonged in the house. In an odd way it's as though she has come home. Tonight is my first night on my own since her death and I'm just hoping that I shall be able to sleep. My daughter's taking charge of the funeral and my son will deal with officialdom so at least I'm spared that.

I'll post again when I feel able, but for the moment thank you all so much and God bless.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
1,777
0
74
Devon, Totnes
Thank you, thank you, all of you for your kind and supportive words. After 48 hours I am still shell shocked and apt to burst into floods of tears at the slightest reminder of Margaret. My son has been a tower of strength. He stayed over for two nights and went with me today to the nursing home to collect Margaret's things, a task I would have found impossible without him. Driving away was like closing the door on the final stage of Margaret's journey but I have found some consolation in restoring Margaret's effects to where they belonged in the house. In an odd way it's as though she has come home. Tonight is my first night on my own since her death and I'm just hoping that I shall be able to sleep. My daughter's taking charge of the funeral and my son will deal with officialdom so at least I'm spared that.

I'll post again when I feel able, but for the moment thank you all so much and God bless.
Hello @blackmortimer. Now is the time that you really do need to be the kindest person you can be to yourself. I’m so glad that you have your son to help you in all this as he seems to be a wonderful support and a very loving person. I’m sure when the time comes my daughter’s will do the same and I’ll be able to rely on them completely.

I’m mindful of what you said about treasuring every moment with Bridget and I try to keep this in mind when I visit. I know it will be more or less the same when I go but every visit Is done with trepidation and a little anxiety on my part. I suppose it’s because she’s living a different life to me. When we were at home as a couple life was seamless and we were never apart. Now my life is sometimes one I don’t recognise.

If it’s alright with you I’d like to maintain contact if you need to chat about anything. Be a shame to lose a friendly voice.
Peter
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
1,777
0
74
Devon, Totnes
Hello everyone. Now that @blackmortimer and @Old Flopsy have lost their love ones it has left me with a sense of foreboding about the future. I suppose that’s only natural.

You’d think after 2 years being on my own I’d be beginning to get over it by now but the separation is at times more raw than before and I feel the loneliness stronger than ever. Sure, I don’t ring the Admiral Nurses quite so often and I don’t talk to the Samaritans at 4 in the morning, but the loss is somewhat deeper.

I’m out for a walk and she’d ask how it went and I’d ask her about her day with her friends. There’s no one else to move stuff and moan about what I do or don’t do. I miss that. To be unloved and unrecognised is cruel. I miss sharing and cooperating and comforting her when she was upset.

And I still feel pangs of remorse when I was selfish and thought only of what I wanted. I hear her saying “another thing I can’t do” and “it’s alright for you cos I can’t do that” and “you only think of yourself”. These stick in me and make me ashamed to be me. Why didn’t I think of her more and concentrate on her needs? Too late now.

She’s in a place I can’t go to in her mind and I could say sorry all day long but it’s too late now to make a difference.

Peter
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,457
0
South coast
I hear her saying “another thing I can’t do” and “it’s alright for you cos I can’t do that” and “you only think of yourself”. These stick in me and make me ashamed to be me. Why didn’t I think of her more and concentrate on her needs?
This is the dementia talking and she was saying these things without any understanding of the true situation. You did all that you could - she had no idea about how great her needs had become and the toll it took on you
xxx
 

Old Flopsy

Registered User
Sep 12, 2019
312
0
@Dutchman I am thinking about you. You do punish yourself for what were perfectly normal attitudes that probably all of us have been guilty of at times.

Just days before he passed my OH said he was sorry for being an awkward husband for many years but I reassured him that it really didn't bother me that much- I was still there after 55 years! It was part of his character and I learned to ignore upsetting comments.
 

blackmortimer

Registered User
Jan 2, 2021
296
0
@Dutchman I am thinking about you. You do punish yourself for what were perfectly normal attitudes that probably all of us have been guilty of at times.

Just days before he passed my OH said he was sorry for being an awkward husband for many years but I reassured him that it really didn't bother me that much- I was still there after 55 years! It was part of his character and I learned to ignore upsetting comments.
I agree with @Old Flopsy , @ Dutchman. If these least weeks have taught me anything, it's that we must live in the present. The past has gone so, as I've quoted before "it's over; let it go". Hold Bridget close and enjoy the time you still have. God bless.
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
854
0
I agree with the comments above. Dutchman, you are obviously a very loving husband whose devotion to Bridget shines through. Every person on this earth who has looked after a PWD has shown impatience, frustration and anger at times because dementia pushes you to your absolute limits and sometimes beyond your limits. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t have those feelings and there is nothing to reproach yourself for. Try to remember all those good years you had together. Many people are not fortunate enough to have those. They make the loss harder but it’s better than the alternative of looking back at years of an unhappy marriage.