Hello
@big l and
@blackmortimer .
It’s interesting what you say about seeking out sorrow. Does feel like that sometimes. It’s as though sorrow validates the amount of love I feel for her and to be happy dilutes it.
For instance, today I’m not visiting the home and I was quite looking forward to a day off. But that uneasy feeling of abandoning her is creeping back in, feeling guilty for having a day to myself while she has no freedom from dementia and is restricted to a chair, told what to do, has to submit to the regime of the home.
Now you could say that as a dementia sufferer the environment of the home is all she wants but I feel uneasy all the time seeing her like this. I know it’s the deterioration from a lively articulate woman to what she is now that upsets me, and I know the home is the best place for her, I know all this (and I wish I could come to terms with it)but when I’m lonely for her I forget the bad old dementia days here and long for her company.
And you’re right
@big l I do need relief from the grief. I try to put things into perspective but I’m constantly reminded by wardrobes full of pretty clothes, cupboards full of shoes, her perfume and creams, hundreds of albums full of our pictures and she was writing a book so I have all of her jottings - her handwriting so precious and intimate in its form.
Now when I see her she tries so hard to communicate with noises and mixed up words which upsets me so. I feel so sorry for her because it must be upsetting for her as well.
Oh dear, just writing this gets me going with tears