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Sam51

Registered User
Oct 23, 2020
22
Hi everyone ,
I have just come across talking point and already found some good points and advice .
My mum started forgetting things around Christmas last year and we gently asked her to see her GP but she refused and then lockdown happened and we didn't realise how bad she was getting as we were preoccupied in keeping her safe from coronavirus.
But this summer it became apparent that her memory was much worse .We tried to persuade her to see her GP but again and again she refused .My mother as always been very domineering and controlling and causes trouble with her family ,but we have always put up with her aggressive behaviour but with her memory loss it is getting her more aggressive.
After trying for weeks to get her to see her doctor I went behind her back and wrote to her doctor to tell him about my concerns ,I asked the doctor not to mention me as I knew she would go mad .I got an email back saying they wouldn't mention me .But unfortunately they told her that her daughter was concerned about her memory .She went mad at me when she came out of doctors and to this day when she remembers she says that it is awful what I've done going to her doctors behind her back .I find this very distressing as I was only trying to help.
A couple of weeks ago she had a memory assessment test ,she didnt know what day it was ,month or year so its quite obvious that her memory is going even though she thinks nothing is wrong ,I'm worried as I know she is forgetting medication and not eating properly. I rang today to see if there was any progress with her diagnosis but they said it hasn't been looked at yet due to backlog during lockdown .
Do you need a head scan for diagnosis or is it done with the memory assessment?
Can you put carers in place once mum as been diagnosed to ensure she takes medication even if she refuses to have them ?
I work fulltime and my sister refuses to help so very stressed about my mum's future
Grateful of any advice
Thank you x
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,957
Nottinghamshire
Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Sam51

I’m glad you’ve found us and hopefully others will be along with ideas of how to persuade your mum to accept carers to make sure she eats and takes her medication, unfortunately you can’t force her to even with a diagnosis.

What worked for my dad was me saying I had a friend who was looking for work doing odd jobs around the house. I made out he was doing her a favour by paying her for doing a bit of cleaning/ ironing/ gardening. Actually she was there to make sure he took his pills and he enjoyed her company so it worked quite well. She did a bit of cleaning or whatever while she chatted to him and then would casually point out he hadn’t taken his pills...
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
891
Hello @Sam51 . Your mum sounds very much like mine. It's shameful of the doctor to give you away like that but it seems to often happen. It's difficult to help under those circumstances. I imagine your mum may be a bit scared and is lashing out because of that (that's the excuse I used for my mum, anyway). Well done for getting your mum as far as a memory assessment.

You can ask for a social services care needs assessment for your mum and you don't need a diagnosis for that. I didn't arrange this for my mum, as I thought it would distress her. I looked after her myself for two years, which I don't regret doing but I wouldn't recommend it! How do you think your mum would react to care visits? I see that @Bunpoots has given some useful hints on how to manage that.

You can also arrange carers privately if that would be appropriate. The links below might be useful:


 

Sam51

Registered User
Oct 23, 2020
22
Thanks for your advice ,glad I have found talking point it will certainly help in the weeks and months ahead x
 

Sam51

Registered User
Oct 23, 2020
22
Hello Lemonbalm,
Thanks for your advice and helpful links ,I don't think my mum will accept carers and I would try and look after her if she wasn't so argumentive ,very worried about the future ,we will see what the assessment results bring and try and move forward from there .If my mum would accept what is happening I'm sure she could carry on in her own home with help .It's just so frustrating that if she doesn't accept help she will need full time care .I sometimes feel like life will never be the same again Its so cruel to to see someone you love fighting all the way that they don't need help when it's clear they do.
She will be very distressed when her results come back and she clearly blames me for what she calls interfering. I feel so helpless but most continue to try and get her the help she needs .
Thanks for your help x
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,046
Hi @Sam51, I felt much the same about my mother, that if she'd admit she was struggling a bit and accepted some help she would have been able to stay at home much longer. Early on, when I was worried about her but wasn't sure if it was dementia or just problems related to her failing eyesight due to macular degeneration I tried to talk to her about it. I basically siad that she should accept a little help now even though she didn't want it, rather than ignoring she was having problems and ending up with a solution that she liked even less. She just thought I was being bossy, and I had loads of rows of the 'your not my mother you can't tell me what to do' variety. In the end I had to move her to a care home as she was doing reckless things.
People with dementia often have anosognosia , which means they really can't see that they have a problem. There aren't ignoring their difficulties, they genuinely can't see them.
Do you have Power of Attorney to manage her finances, as that will become very important when you have to get some help in for her. If not this is a link to government site Power of Attorney.
 

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