Delusions

Francisco

Registered User
Jul 26, 2020
74
0
New development concerning delusions. Original delusion is a belief that someone has been getting into the house and stealing things, or leaving items behind. A discovered item of clothing she has not worn for years is believed to have been left behind by an interloper, who has been taking, not valuables, but, say, a comb, or toothpicks.
When it first happened, I gently challenged her view on the assumption that it would not help to go along with the delusion. I used logic such as, "If people have been in the house, why have they not taken my wallet which has been on full view in the kitchen for months".? Even when I find the item she has claimed was stolen, it does not diminish her feeling that we have people entering the house. Finding that challenging her belief is likely to cause distress, I now try to change the subject or distract or seek a 'solution' she will accept. When she began barracading locked doors, I fitted extra bolts for security. Despite finding the bolts greatly reassuring, after a few days she resumed barracading the doors with a broom, a mop, and even a pair of clogs. Totally ineffectual as barriers but giving her extra reassurance.
The new recurring delusion is that her next-door neighbours in her home town almost 50 years ago (before we were married) were our recent next-door neighbours in our current city. She asks me where they have gone and I explain that I have not seen them for 45 years and that they were neighbours from her early life. This was confusing for her but she is reassured when I suggest that she has had a vivid dream and that her neighbours from her youth have become through the dream to be recent neighbours. She finds this slightly unsettling but to some extent reassuring because she is being offered an explanation which makes some sense to her.
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
1,778
0
it sounds as though you are doing so well!
Logic =bad
Love lies = good.

My mother uses a collection of umbrellas ( a pride, a school, a flock, a host ?????)
to make the property safe at night, and receives much grateful praise from me.

My favourite communication tips!

 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
7,195
0
Nottinghamshire
My mother had very similar delusions @Francisco . They started shortly after a neighbour, that I later realised had been supporting my mother a lot, moved away. Mum took against the new neighbours from the start, and within a few weeks she thought they had stolen her handbag. My brother had a two hour drive to find it under a chair. Like your mother when I found things they were not always recognised as hers, and the things stolen didn't make sense, the instructions for the iron, mum's false teeth etc etc.
Mum insisted on changing the locks and when that didn't 'solve' the matter made up a story that involved the locksmith giving the neighbours a set of mum's keys. All total confabulation of course.
The family tried three approaches. My husband just said straight out 'you are mistaken, you've just forgotten where you put X'. I tried logic 'Is it more likely that your neighbour came into your small flat, sight unseen, and moved your purse from your handbag to your shopping bag, or that you accidently put it in the wrong place. The third approach, which was my brother's, was to treat mum like his dog and move her on from the delusion by offering an attractive treat, a slice of cake or a glass of wine. I was a little concerned by the last approach in that we didn't address the delusion and mum called the police about the neighbours more than once. They were brilliant, and realised it was her and not them, but made mum feel like she was listened too.
In the end mum became unsafe at home and I moved her into care. However I didn't live with her, so maybe you will have more luck in getting your wife to move on to other things.
 

Francisco

Registered User
Jul 26, 2020
74
0
it sounds as though you are doing so well!
Logic =bad
Love lies = good.

My mother uses a collection of umbrellas ( a pride, a school, a flock, a host ?????)
to make the property safe at night, and receives much grateful praise from me.

My favourite communication tips!

Thanks again! Logic = bad, much better where possible to go with the flow.
 

Francisco

Registered User
Jul 26, 2020
74
0
it sounds as though you are doing so well!
Logic =bad
Love lies = good.

My mother uses a collection of umbrellas ( a pride, a school, a flock, a host ?????)
to make the property safe at night, and receives much grateful praise from me.

My favourite communication tips!

Thanks again! Logic = bad, much better where possible to go with the flow.
My mother had very similar delusions @Francisco . They started shortly after a neighbour, that I later realised had been supporting my mother a lot, moved away. Mum took against the new neighbours from the start, and within a few weeks she thought they had stolen her handbag. My brother had a two hour drive to find it under a chair. Like your mother when I found things they were not always recognised as hers, and the things stolen didn't make sense, the instructions for the iron, mum's false teeth etc etc.
Mum insisted on changing the locks and when that didn't 'solve' the matter made up a story that involved the locksmith giving the neighbours a set of mum's keys. All total confabulation of course.
The family tried three approaches. My husband just said straight out 'you are mistaken, you've just forgotten where you put X'. I tried logic 'Is it more likely that your neighbour came into your small flat, sight unseen, and moved your purse from your handbag to your shopping bag, or that you accidently put it in the wrong place. The third approach, which was my brother's, was to treat mum like his dog and move her on from the delusion by offering an attractive treat, a slice of cake or a glass of wine. I was a little concerned by the last approach in that we didn't address the delusion and mum called the police about the neighbours more than once. They were brilliant, and realised it was her and not them, but made mum feel like she was listened too.
In the end mum became unsafe at home and I moved her into care. However I didn't live with her, so maybe you will have more luck in getting your wife to move on to other things.
Very helpful thanks. The main reason things go missing is that she hides things for safekeeping but forgets where she's put them. I have had to become very alert to the likely hiding places so that when she says she can't find something (potentially stolen by the intruder), I can very quickly locate it for her - earning her gratitude and encouraging ever-greater dependency....
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
1,778
0
have you had ‘ my rings are missing yet’?
I put them round her neck on a nice chain, and grab the chain with great delight every time they go missing!
 
Last edited:

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
My mum was convinced that her ex-cleaner had a spare set of keys that she had stolen when she was still doing the cleaning and that she was using these keys to let herself in and take things. I changed the locks, but she was still convinced that the ex-cleaner was coming in. I asked mum once how on earth she was getting in as Id changed the locks and mum told me she was getting in through the letter box...........
???
 

Jale

Registered User
Jul 9, 2018
1,138
0
Mum said her neighbour was going into the house, going upstairs and going through her knicker draw, currently she has a man living under her bed
 

Francisco

Registered User
Jul 26, 2020
74
0
have you had ‘ my rings are missing yet’?
I put them round her neck on a nice chain, and grab the chain with great delight every time they go missing!
Good idea! She has a family heirloom, "Auntie Maggie's Ring", which she hides - frightened of losing it because she currently recognises her responsibility of preserving it for the next generation. She used to change the location without telling me but we have got to the stage where we hide it together. So far so good.
 

Francisco

Registered User
Jul 26, 2020
74
0
My mum was convinced that her ex-cleaner had a spare set of keys that she had stolen when she was still doing the cleaning and that she was using these keys to let herself in and take things. I changed the locks, but she was still convinced that the ex-cleaner was coming in. I asked mum once how on earth she was getting in as Id changed the locks and mum told me she was getting in through the letter box...........
???
Your experience reminds me that things are not going to get easier!
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
5,395
0
Dorset
Good idea! She has a family heirloom, "Auntie Maggie's Ring", which she hides - frightened of losing it because she currently recognises her responsibility of preserving it for the next generation. She used to change the location without telling me but we have got to the stage where we hide it together. So far so good.
Good thinking! ?
 

fromnz123

Registered User
Aug 2, 2019
201
0
UK
My mum would accuse her carerof wearing her clothes and then putting them back in the wardrobe dirty, or accusing her of replacing her clothes with the carers old worn clothes. When I said to mum “why would a 40 year old want to wear the clothes of an eighty year old”, she replies “have you seen the rubbish she wears “? luckily the Carer had a sense of humour!
 

Buckeroo

Registered User
Apr 16, 2020
38
0
I'm not alone then! You all have my complete sympathy and understanding. What a dreadful disease it is.

My mothers' dementia is getting worse. Just when we think the accusations of her clothes being swapped or taken have finished they reared their ugly head again last night (following a head scan appointment in the afternoon). Agression, agitation and bear shouting becoming more frequent. Still doesn't accept she has dementia or that there is anything wrong when is it so obvious. Hides her handbag (which is full of senseless rubbish but important to her). Couldn't find it this morning and had a panic, crying fit until we found it in a new place (kitchen cupboard).

Further help needed re food, laundry, house cleaning, shopping etc but she will absolutely not accept anyone. Doesn't think for one second she needs it. Won't let her husband, our father, help either so he is billed into submission most days!

Any suggestions how we can introduce help (to start with a few hours a day to cook a meal, check washing etc, to be increased slowly as needs increase) that will be accepted? We are currently waiting for a crisis (mother with dementia 85, father 92yrs with his own old age issues - they fight!). A toxic environment where no one is happy.

Retired nurse arranged to administer daily medication each morning (they were otherwise being hidden my our mother to avoid them being stolen) but nurse not allowed to do anything further.

All going pear-shaped daily - lots more resistance, aggression and mood swings. Like watching a grenade with its pin out, waiting for the explosion.

Any advice gratefully received.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
It sounds to me as though your mum has lost the insight to understand that there is something wrong with her, so she is never going to accept that she has dementia or needs any help. In her mind there is nothing wrong with her at all and she is still doing everything that she used to - its just everyone around her that is behaving oddly. If you try and persuade her that there is something wrong with her it will just make her angry, because she knows that there isnt.

So its no good trying to persuade her that she needs help and doubly bad if you are saying that she needs help because she has dementia. Try and come up with a "reason" why she should accept someone coming in to do things that dont imply that she cant do it. Perhaps the carer is a friend of your who is coming for a chat and then once your mum is used to her she will allow her to do some things "while she is here" and build up slowly. Someone on here has had success persuading their mum that the lady was in training and needed to learn how to do things from people who didnt have any problems.

Im sure you will get other suggestions too.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
7,342
0
Nottinghamshire
I used the excuse that I had a friend who needed a job @Buckeroo . It worked for me as he’d already used a cleaner who he scared away by his weird behaviour. The lady started with the idea that she’d just do a bit of cleaning/gardening and by the end was doing most things apart from personal care - which was the point that I got in an agency. Dad was used to having his helper around by then and didn’t protest when extra ones were introduced.

She started on 2hrs once a week and ended up with about 8hrs spread across the week before dads needs became too much for her to manage. She’d always make a cuppa and have a chat with dad as a way of gaining his trust and would occasionally take him out to a garden centre or fish and chips and we paid for the extra hours when this happened. I think he accepted her as a friend and as I had LPA I used to pay her (dad originally agreed to but forgot..).

At no point did I ever use the word “carer” when speaking to dad about his “staff”...
 

thegoodtwin

Registered User
Mar 7, 2020
15
0
My mum would accuse her carerof wearing her clothes and then putting them back in the wardrobe dirty, or accusing her of replacing her clothes with the carers old worn clothes. When I said to mum “why would a 40 year old want to wear the clothes of an eighty year old”, she replies “have you seen the rubbish she wears “? luckily the Carer had a sense of humour!

LOL. I really did.
 

Francisco

Registered User
Jul 26, 2020
74
0
My darling wife is becoming confused a bit more often: occasionally asking me who I am and when I tell her, she responds with laughter as if she's saying "Of course you are, silly me!" Or asking, "Where are we?" whilst in our house of over 30 years. She has become more anxious, mainly I believe because she is aware that her memory is deteriorating. I immediately reassure her, knowing that not only is this what she wants to hear but also that facing 'reality' has nothing to recommend it.
She takes great comfort from family photos, many of them featuring me. And she likes to root around and finds items she'd totally forgotten about, e.g., a sweater that she believes an intruder has left behind, or, as recently, a 38 year-old letter from her favourite former teacher comes to light, making her anxious: "I've never seen this before, why didn't you tell me about it, I would have replied!"
I respond, "It is dated 1982 ( a long time ago) so I'm sure you've seen it and I'm sure you will have replied." But she is adamant that she hasn't seen it before, implying that I must have concealed it from her at the time. I let it go...
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
hi @Francisco
good to hear from you again
you seem to be finding ways to help your wife be as calm as possible; not easy to do, sometimes
maybe consider letting her doctor know that she is more anxious as some meds may help her
 

Francisco

Registered User
Jul 26, 2020
74
0
hi @Francisco
good to hear from you again
you seem to be finding ways to help your wife be as calm as possible; not easy to do, sometimes
maybe consider letting her doctor know that she is more anxious as some meds may help her
Many thanks for this, it would be a good idea to update the GP. Main difficulty might be with her taking medication - a major aversion and I have some difficulty persuading her to take even one aspirin. She gives the doctor a wide berth and I can't remember her taking medication. But I will contact the GP tomorrow....
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
hi @Francisco
ask the GP about meds in liquid form or that can be crushed, to add to drinks ... and about permission to give meds covertly (with dad I hid pills in his food eg yogurt or between chunks of biscuit)