deliberately not eating

[lallstom]

Hi
My mother with mod dementia is in a CH. Only been there 4 weeks, went from hospital after yet another fall. I looked after her at her home for 6 months with the help of 2 carers before it was decided she needed 24hr care.
She was able to walk with a frame when she went into CH but now cannot walk and only just weight bear. She was incontinent of urine but is now doubly incontinent.
She thinks she is in a hospital and has stopped asking to go home.
She recognises a few immediate family.
The staff in CH are all lovely and I have no concerns there.
But she has now stopped eating and virtually stopped drinking. They are concerned and asked me if I could help. She is refusing food, calorie drinks etc, not even trying it. Yesterday was one of her more lucid days. When I questioned her about this she said that it was the only way she had of dying. She knew she would never go home and wanted to die quietly.
Although I accept she maybe depressed I have to agree with her, her quality of life is poor. Can she be force fed or can her wishes be accepted.
Her gp has already agreed to DNR with her some months ago.
Advice please.

 

[rajahh]

I would say her wishes would be respected. The only way of force feeding would be a gastro tube, which she would probably pull out, or peg feeding which she also would probably pull out.

It is hard to acknowledge when this happens but other members have faced similar, and your Mum is saying it is her choice.

Jeannette

 

[Noorza]

Hi
My mother with mod dementia is in a CH. Only been there 4 weeks, went from hospital after yet another fall. I looked after her at her home for 6 months with the help of 2 carers before it was decided she needed 24hr care.
She was able to walk with a frame when she went into CH but now cannot walk and only just weight bear. She was incontinent of urine but is now doubly incontinent.
She thinks she is in a hospital and has stopped asking to go home.
She recognises a few immediate family.
The staff in CH are all lovely and I have no concerns there.
But she has now stopped eating and virtually stopped drinking. They are concerned and asked me if I could help. She is refusing food, calorie drinks etc, not even trying it. Yesterday was one of her more lucid days. When I questioned her about this she said that it was the only way she had of dying. She knew she would never go home and wanted to die quietly.
Although I accept she maybe depressed I have to agree with her, her quality of life is poor. Can she be force fed or can her wishes be accepted.
Her gp has already agreed to DNR with her some months ago.
Advice please.

As hard as it is, as much as it goes against everything that you do for a loved one, I feel the last great kindness you can do this lady is to respect her wishes.


Don't force feed her, that just seems cruel to me, she doesn't want it. So sorry but I too am struggling with stopping fighting for Mum and having to adjust to accepting that there will come a time when we can't fight it any longer.

That's my opinion FWIW.

 

[cheryl k]

Hi my Mom did the same thing four years ago. My Dad could not take care of her and we had to put her in a nuersing home. My Mom had watched her parents languish in a nuesing home for years and did not want the same for herself or have her children experience this. Mom stopped eating nearly as soon as we placed her in the nursing home and died 1 and a half months later. At the time it was so hard, but now with Dad having alzheimer's and not being able to control his circumstances I see what a blessing it was for Mom. Now we are experiencing the agony with Dad which could last years and it is very hard. Take care and hope this helps. Cheryl

 

[lallstom]

Thankyou all for that. I will stand firm and let her do as she wishes.

 

[Noorza]

Thankyou all for that. I will stand firm and let her do as she wishes.

It must be so hard for you. I don't envy you but they are her wishes and the choice is to tube feed her. I couldn't do that, I'm not even sure from what you've said that there is much of a choice to make really. So sad for you.

 

[Miss Merlot]

If it were me in her place, I'd do the same - hard as it may be, this may be the last vestige of dignity she has left...

My grandma died earlier this year after ten years of dementia - her last "call" from the CH was not to call the doctor when she was literally dying...

My family respected that, and she died with all of them around her bedside.

It's how she did, and would have, wanted.