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Delayed repsonse

Jacs321

Registered User
Jun 12, 2017
23
0
My mum passed away on 14th August. Although she had dementia which robbed of her sociability she knew us to the end and it was heart failure which took her relatively quickly over a 3 week period. I thought I was doing ok having comforted myself with that thought and that my lack of grief at her loss was due to several years of accumulated and anticipatory grieving as her condition and personality slowly declined. Now i find myself unable to sleep and more tearful at the loss of the mum she used to be and repeatedly looking at videos of her and even the funeral (recorded as it was live streamed for brother in Australia). Feel i can't share with others as life goes on and people think I'm ok but struggling 😔
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,748
0
My mum passed away on 14th August. Although she had dementia which robbed of her sociability she knew us to the end and it was heart failure which took her relatively quickly over a 3 week period. I thought I was doing ok having comforted myself with that thought and that my lack of grief at her loss was due to several years of accumulated and anticipatory grieving as her condition and personality slowly declined. Now i find myself unable to sleep and more tearful at the loss of the mum she used to be and repeatedly looking at videos of her and even the funeral (recorded as it was live streamed for brother in Australia). Feel i can't share with others as life goes on and people think I'm ok but struggling 😔
@Jacs321 It is very early days for you, my dad died in February 2020 and I feel very much like you do, it's like dad died and that was that and everybody else just got on with life.

I can't say how long you will feel like this but I am sure that it is perfectly normal, I also think that the lockdown hit me hard as I got finally my long awaited freedom and then that was gone within a couple of weeks. Life is still not back to normal and I keep feeling that I should be going somewhere but that place is gone and I feel rather lost.

I don't think many people realise how hard it is after dementia unless they have experienced it and I hope you are able to come to terms with it soon but I suspect that it will take a while.

Sending you a big hug.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
15,702
0
South coast
I am so sorry for your loss.

It is actually only a few weeks ago and although you may feel that you did all your grieving beforehand, its not true - once they have died you discover that there is a whole lot more. When mum died I was numb for months, but it has to come out.
((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,750
0
My mum passed away on 14th August. Although she had dementia which robbed of her sociability she knew us to the end and it was heart failure which took her relatively quickly over a 3 week period. I thought I was doing ok having comforted myself with that thought and that my lack of grief at her loss was due to several years of accumulated and anticipatory grieving as her condition and personality slowly declined. Now i find myself unable to sleep and more tearful at the loss of the mum she used to be and repeatedly looking at videos of her and even the funeral (recorded as it was live streamed for brother in Australia). Feel i can't share with others as life goes on and people think I'm ok but struggling 😔
All sympathy to you, Canary and DG are so wise here. My husband died of Alzheimer’s nearly two years ago. At first I was fine, even a sense of relief because no longer suffering, but then it overwhelmed me. With dementia we have a double dose, an appalling loss before the actual loss and it is confusing and just too much. I so understand and thank goodness for this forum. With love, kindredx
 

Baggybreeks

Registered User
Mar 22, 2017
80
0
Scotland
I’m sorry that your mother has gone. There will be a big space in your life.
My husband passed away 2 and a half years ago from mixed dementia. His diagnosis in 2013 was the start of grief for the person who was disappearing. So 8 years on I still cannot get used to him being gone from my life. Will I ever?
My dad died 21 years ago after several strokes and didn’t know anything at the end. My mother helped him for several years before he ended in a care home. She carried on for another 10 years without him.
When she passed away, she still had his clothes hanging in his wardrobe, so she hung on to what was left of him, after 60 years of marriage.
I miss both of them but not in the same way as my husband , who I was married to for 50 years.
Maybe we expect too much of ourselves to “get over it” and “move on” . Time will tell. And adjusting has not yet helped.
So I reckon this grief will go on . But so must we, with our lives.
I have friends who have also lost family members who have the same feelings, of an emptiness. And it does help to share thoughts. We don’t forget those who have
gone although others don’t realise that you can grieve for longer.
Don’t expect too much of yourself, tell others how you are. It’s early days.
And those who have experienced the double loss of a loved one with dementia are probably more sympathetic.
Take care of yourself and hopefully others will help you too.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,731
0
Hello @Jacs321

I’m sorry you lost your mum recently. I feel that, when we lose someone close, we hold ourselves together while organising the burial and dealing with all the paperwork. Then we hold ourselves together a bit more for the actual burial and dealing with more paperwork and all the practical things we need to do. After that, we perhaps allow ourselves to fall apart or maybe wait a bit longer, as we go back to work, look after others, get on with everyday living. Grieving can be a slow process, often interrupted.

There are no rules or a best way to get through it. Like you, I have been grieving for my mum for a long time, since her dementia took hold, and I wondered if perhaps I had no more tears left. Now I have just lost her altogether and am not really sure how to feel. I think I am doing very well and everyone says how strong I am. I expect I will fall apart when I least expect it.

I’m not sure now is the time for you to be watching videos of your mum’s funeral. You’ve already been through that. You don’t need to keep reliving it. I’ve been looking at photographs of my mum when she was young, looking happy and trying to focus on her life before dementia. It’s still painful but I am trying to replace the dreadful more recent memories with happier ones. I expect our mums would prefer us to have those happier memories in our heads.

You can always share with us here and tell us how you feel. We understand.

Sending you a strengthening hug 🤗
 

Jacs321

Registered User
Jun 12, 2017
23
0
I am so sorry for your loss.

It is actually only a few weeks ago and although you may feel that you did all your grieving beforehand, its not true - once they have died you discover that there is a whole lot more. When mum died I was numb for months, but it has to come out.
((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
Thanks 😊
 

Jacs321

Registered User
Jun 12, 2017
23
0
@Jacs321 It is very early days for you, my dad died in February 2020 and I feel very much like you do, it's like dad died and that was that and everybody else just got on with life.

I can't say how long you will feel like this but I am sure that it is perfectly normal, I also think that the lockdown hit me hard as I got finally my long awaited freedom and then that was gone within a couple of weeks. Life is still not back to normal and I keep feeling that I should be going somewhere but that place is gone and I feel rather lost.

I don't think many people realise how hard it is after dementia unless they have experienced it and I hope you are able to come to terms with it soon but I suspect that it will take a while.

Sending you a big hug.
Thank you x
 

Jacs321

Registered User
Jun 12, 2017
23
0
@Jacs321 It is very early days for you, my dad died in February 2020 and I feel very much like you do, it's like dad died and that was that and everybody else just got on with life.

I can't say how long you will feel like this but I am sure that it is perfectly normal, I also think that the lockdown hit me hard as I got finally my long awaited freedom and then that was gone within a couple of weeks. Life is still not back to normal and I keep feeling that I should be going somewhere but that place is gone and I feel rather lost.

I don't think many people realise how hard it is after dementia unless they have experienced it and I hope you are able to come to terms with it soon but I suspect that it will take a while.

Sending you a big hug.
Thank you x
 

Jacs321

Registered User
Jun 12, 2017
23
0
I am so sorry for your loss.

It is actually only a few weeks ago and although you may feel that you did all your grieving beforehand, its not true - once they have died you discover that there is a whole lot more. When mum died I was numb for months, but it has to come out.
((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
Thank you x
 

Jacs321

Registered User
Jun 12, 2017
23
0
All sympathy to you, Canary and DG are so wise here. My husband died of Alzheimer’s nearly two years ago. At first I was fine, even a sense of relief because no longer suffering, but then it overwhelmed me. With dementia we have a double dose, an appalling loss before the actual loss and it is confusing and just too much. I so understand and thank goodness for this forum. With love, kindredx
Thank you x
 

Jacs321

Registered User
Jun 12, 2017
23
0
I’m sorry that your mother has gone. There will be a big space in your life.
My husband passed away 2 and a half years ago from mixed dementia. His diagnosis in 2013 was the start of grief for the person who was disappearing. So 8 years on I still cannot get used to him being gone from my life. Will I ever?
My dad died 21 years ago after several strokes and didn’t know anything at the end. My mother helped him for several years before he ended in a care home. She carried on for another 10 years without him.
When she passed away, she still had his clothes hanging in his wardrobe, so she hung on to what was left of him, after 60 years of marriage.
I miss both of them but not in the same way as my husband , who I was married to for 50 years.
Maybe we expect too much of ourselves to “get over it” and “move on” . Time will tell. And adjusting has not yet helped.
So I reckon this grief will go on . But so must we, with our lives.
I have friends who have also lost family members who have the same feelings, of an emptiness. And it does help to share thoughts. We don’t forget those who have
gone although others don’t realise that you can grieve for longer.
Don’t expect too much of yourself, tell others how you are. It’s early days.
And those who have experienced the double loss of a loved one with dementia are probably more sympathetic.
Take care of yourself and hopefully others will help you too.
Thank you x