Decisions - am I doing the right thing?

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by VonVee, Nov 10, 2015.

  1. VonVee

    VonVee Registered User

    Dec 15, 2014
    Poole Dorset
    So after the last couple of weeks of madness with Mum, and boy did it take it out on me I can tell you, but I've made a decision, it's been a very long horrible year, full of stress and worry and anxiousness, and at the moment this decision I hope is going to make things a bit more easier eventually as it can't carry on like this, this has been a nightmare, lit's making me ill and mum being in SH is not working out anymore, so I've, well, us (me & hubby) have decided to move her in with us.

    But am I making the right decision, it's not like she hasn't lived with us before, but she didn't have dementia then,

    I begrudge paying the £600 a month on social care, I wouldn't mind if the social services were a good service but sadly they really aren't, and there's no help, even out of hours are rubbish, and the care agency are useless, so I've weighed it up, and having her live with us, I won't be so stressed out waiting for the phone to ring and it's about mum going missing again, if she's in my home I can lock her in and look after her without all the worries I'm having at the moment.

    I just really want social services off my back, I'm very frustrated with there lack of care, and I want them gone, I'm disgusted actually and it's getting under my skin now, so I think it's the right time to go.
  2. usedup

    usedup Registered User

    Aug 5, 2014
    West Berkshire
    Right thing?

    Hi VonVee. What do you think will happen if you lock her in? How mobile is she? What freedom of movement would she have? Would she get angry? Would she find an escape route? You need to be prepared for a new set of problems, though they may be less than what you have now. I am 82, caring alone for my wife of 76 and have always been advised against physical restraint. So there is a lot of wander-and-follow.

    Agree totally about social services. Problem is that they have too little money and can't recruit enough good staff. And in our modern world it is common to promise far more than can ever be provided. The capability of some staff is limited to ticking a box and thinking that something has happened because of it. Does Dorset have any equivalent of the organisation based in Oxford called Crossroads? One big success of my 2015 has been a marvellous woman who comes for three hours on Friday and costs nothing. She is a mature, cultured woman who does the befriending task brilliantly and is 100% reliable.
  3. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    hi there. I'm guessing that when you say 'lock her in' you mean lock her in with you (so that you will be in the house with her)?
    You have obviously thought about this a lot while your nightmare time has been going on - strange how we work through different possibilities in our minds even under great stress!! Poor you, you have obviously had a really difficult time with care, social services and her housing, hopefully your decision will ease that a bit. I'm guessing your mum will be happy with this solution? As you've already lived together at one time that suggests that you are quite close and that's always a good start.

    I would say to you to get a carers assessment pretty quickly as you are going to need some time, and think about a day care facility - we have one locally which is brilliant and they pick people up, take them in for a morning of activity, lunch and then maybe a shower or more activities and bring home again. That would at least give you a couple of days a week to yourself.

    link up with the local carers organisation, they will give you lots of help if you want it. Attendance allowance higher rate too if you are doing night time care.

    Well done for being able to think this through at such a difficult time. Take care of yourself, keep posting and have a good night's sleep.

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