Decision Regarding Care Homes

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Bobtop, Mar 19, 2015.

  1. Bobtop

    Bobtop Registered User

    Mar 19, 2015

    I am new to the Forum and am a 'long distance' Carer for my Mum who has mild - moderate Alzheimers and is aged 87. She has lived alone for the past 20 years with no family nearby and few friends. I live 250 miles away (a 3 hour journey).She has recently had 3 emergency hospital admissions as she suffers from extreme anxiety and panic attacks. She has received a package of care, however this has been inadequate and I have decided that I now need to find her a care home.

    My dilemma is should I move her closer to me or find a suitable care home near where she had lived all her life?
    I am finding this a very difficult decision (and Mum is unable to express her preference) - there are advantages and disadvantages to both.
    Does anyone have experience of this or can offer me some advice to help my decision making?
    Thank You
  2. joggyb

    joggyb Registered User

    Dec 1, 2014
    To be honest, before long, the location of the home probably won't make a great deal of difference to your mum. In your shoes (and I know nothing about your relationship with your mum, I realise), I'd move her nearer to me.

    My dad was taken into care last October. Initially, he was in a home near his house. I lived too far away to visit. He was miserable, I was miserable. Other family and friends near him visited to start with, but soon tailed off.

    Three weeks later, I moved him to a home 5 mins' away from me. Now, I see him almost every day, and we're both much, much happier for it. I can also keep a close eye on his care. Not that I have cause to worry, thankfully, as the home he's in now is great - but I think it's good to be seen and to be 'involved' to whatever extent suits you.
  3. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    This is just our personal experience, but by the time my mother needed a care home, to be honest it would have made no difference to her where she was. She saw hardly anyone at home any more, except close family and her cleaning lady, and could only very rarely be persuaded to leave the house at all.
    We moved her to a CH a 5 minute drive from my house. And it was not too long before 'home' came to mean a house she had not lived in for over 60 years.

    If dementia is at all advanced, and unless the person still has an active social life/circle of friends at home, then I think proximity to the person who will be doing most of the visiting is best. A short distance means visits can be more frequent and not necessarily too prolonged, whereas if you have to come a long way less often, you feel you ought to stay longer and it's often the case that people with dementia can find longer visits tiring or just too much.
  4. opaline

    opaline Registered User

    Nov 13, 2014
    I would go with the one closer to you, x
  5. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    Near you, as it will mean you can deal with any issues that arise alot easier and look after your mum better.
  6. tre

    tre Registered User

    Sep 23, 2008
    Another vote for near you. This will also make it easier to choose the home as you will need to visit several before you decide.
  7. Bobtop

    Bobtop Registered User

    Mar 19, 2015
    Thank you all for your responses; they are much appreciated!

    My heart agrees with you all that my mum would be better off in a care home near to me in the long term, but she has never wanted to move away from her home city even though it would have meant being nearer to me and my family (despite my attempts to persuade her in the past). Now it falls to me to make the decision and I am finding it hard. I am currently visiting care homes in both areas and will need to make a decision soon.... I will keep you posted on my progress.

    Thanks once again.:)
  8. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    Radcliffe on Trent
    I'm voting for a move near to you as well. My mum lived only 60 miles away but it was always difficult to liaise with doctors etc from a distance. She had lived in the same town all her life and had I thought a good circle of friends and neighbours, but once she became unable to go out they all seemed to drift away, even her church pretty much abandoned her (which particularly disappointed me ).

    It was way easier to visit her when she was only 15 minutes away and keep on top of things with the care home. Also it meant I could take my little grandson to see her regularly and that other family members could stay at our house when they came to visit.
  9. MrsTerryN

    MrsTerryN Registered User

    Dec 17, 2012
    Another vote for near. Mum lived anything up to 1 and a half hours away depending on traffic. Mum has moved into a nursing home 12 mins from my place. It is a brilliant home . Some of the downside can be you visit too much. Mum goes through stages of aggression against myself and also staff.
    She is moderate to severe dementia doubly incontinent. Today I think mum is moving back into the aggression part. Which means I ease off.
    Mum does ask to go home on occasions for 'things' I just go oh and move on. It was handy when mum broke her hip and wanted me in the evenings to put her to bed. Ok after all that rambling,mu has no friends to visit , she doesn't really know where she is anyway. In emergencies and for general visiting I can be there very quickly.

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