Decided to go back to work-i could scream

[1954]

Hi again everyone

As many of you know I am the main carer for my MIL. I have taken early retirement to look after her as working 30hrs was impossible. She lives with us

Well I go from emotions of happy to look after her and getting laughs together to me going manic! Does anyone else like that? I am sure there are many who do

Anyway I posted a thread about whether to claim carers allowance or get some work (I am an RGN) on agency. I have decided to go back to work for 15 hours a week as I need to get out of house. Husband still works as he could not bear to be with her all day plus we need the money. So it falls on me most of the time to care for her though he is very very good. So he will have to cope whilst I work as I will have to work twilights or nights!

Tonight she is 'hyper' - driving me mad. Husband has closed the blinds which normally sets her off to bed time routine. He has had to go out which I understand and MIL is WIDE WIDE WIDE AWAKE

I am obviously having a 'can not cope day' we have had all the old stories which we have not had for a while. I could scream. I said to my husband I may slash my wrists by the time he comes back! No one we know understands. They just see this frail old lady with make up on and smiles and all matching clothes. They have no idea and think I am exaggerating the problems

Crying out loud I really could scream. I would like to call someone but as I said who understands

Why will she not just go to bed and leave me in peace

Horrible aren't I?

Oh my God she is picking her nose and picking between her toes-I could vomit

1954 x

 

[1954]

She is fighting to stay awake and we are sitting in near darkness...........gave her a bowl for her feet.........

 

[1954]

I will not slash my wrists just an expression I use but I would like to

 

[janma221]

I'm sure going back to work will give you a break and some adult company to talk and laugh with. Hope things feel better for you soon. xxx

 

[1954]

Yes you are right but if you knew the organisation I will be working with then you would realise we are not allowed to talk never mind laugh. its been on the news a lot and has been a disaster

 

[nellbelles]

Screaming is allowed I do a lot of it.

Others will see how she is eventually, I now have one family member who now knows how it really is.

I hope you can settle her off to bed soon.

Helen x

 

[1954]

Helen

Thank you. I don't understand why sometimes I cope so well and other times I just can't. Mind you as G (hubbie) not here it is worse as she is putty in his hands!

I am even on antidepressants to help

SCREAMING SCREAMING HERE

 

[1954]

She is going off to wash and then bed. Relief, another evening over........just got to make she washes all over and gives me her clothes. She produces them like rabbits out a hat or rather handbag!! She can't believe she needs to have them washed every day! At least we succeed at the moment on that one but know things will get worse soon

I put on a soap on the TV which we both dislike but think that prompted her to go to bed. Oh boy this is soooooooooo hard. No life. No social life. No privacy. No holidays. No sensible conversations. Not doing what we want to do. Not eating what we want to eat. Not going where we want to go. Nothing nothing nothing for us...........Life is over

But at least I have TP thank you

1954 x

 

[1954]

In case you had not noticed evenings are not good for me I am sure its because I have her all day.

Hopefully she'll go to bed in a moment -she is off to bed! lets hope she doesn't constantly come down to 'look' for her 'missing' watch!

 

[kingmidas1962]

No, you are NOT awful. In any way. At. All.

I think you NEED to go back to work, definitely. If its any comfort my mum picks her nose too and it makes me want to hurl ... (she doesnt have dementia as far as we know - although I'm beginning to wonder ...)

You say 'Life is over'? Come on - you've had enough.

Please forgive me if there are good reasons for not considering this BUT .. as it is SO unbearable for you had you considered care for her? Respite at least? Sorry if this is out of the question - I don't know your circumstances but you are clearly at some kind of tipping point ...

 

[1954]

Thank you so much

I do need to go back go work. As crazy as it sounds I could not put her in care yet as generally I can cope but like lots of others I have my moments.

At the moment I could not live with myself if I was to put her into care. I hope I can cope to the end but know that there maybe a time when she has to go........ If my husband is here it is so much easier. How do others cope who have no partners, they are saints. She has gone up now. I hope to start work again at the end of may which is my choice (ha ha I thought it would be like a holiday-I think not!!!)

I feel a lot better so thank you all so much for letting me let off steam

You are all a life saver you really are as I have no one to speak to about this xx

 

[Wolfsgirl]

Hi it sounds to me that you need to have a proper clocking off time which would help you cope better. Does MIL go to a day centre? Is this an option? Is there any other family you could call upon so you can get some free time during the day?

You do sound as though you have had quite enough and it is a sad situation for you to feel like this, also sad for MIL to be felt about like this too.

Cruel illness to all

 

[chrisuz]

I really feel for you, I hate when people think we're exagerating, maybe they would like to take a turn and see how long it takes them to scream. I get asked why hubby does nonsensical things, and when I say because he has dementia, that is not considered to be an answer, sorry but it's the only one I've got.

 

[Spiro]

Warm air makes some people feel sleepy. Would turning the heating on (assuming it's not on already) be worth a try?

I appreciate this suggestion isn't the most energy efficient or cost effective idea.

 

[Pross]

Oh poor you. It's the on and onness that gets to you every now and then, isn't it. Hope MIL is now tucked up in bed. And life is not over, there will surely be good times yet. Work sounds as though its going to be a bit iffy but at least it will be a different sort of aggro. Of course you won't slit your wrists, it's just that sometimes you just want it all to be over. Stop the world, I want to get off, sort of thing. Keep posting and let off steam. That's why we're all here. xx

 

[2jays]

Think positively.

You are positive you could scream
You are positive you are screaming
You are positive that when she goes to bed, you will scream more quietly

There. See..... positive thinking is better for you.

Oh poor you. I can hear your screams.

Tomorrow is another day.... We will still be here for you

xx

 

[lewybody]

Your not alone hun. My mum has alzheimers, lives at home with my stepdad, and already I am looking for day centers within her area.
I used to work as a specialist care worker in a day center for alzheimers and dementia, and could see how difficult it is, not only for the patients but also harder for their families. They are unaware of the frustration and helplessness families feel.
Now my mum also has alzheimers, i am too finding hard to cope, knowing that this horrible disease will eventually win.
Do you have a support worker for yourself within the alzheimers team?
I made enquiries for my mum and found a lovely support worker, not just for mum but for myself too. That was when it 'hit home' that it's not just my mum who needs help, but i will need support also.
Just remember, your not alone.
Big hugs
xxx

 

[1954]

Another day! Sorry about last night. My SIL called as I texted her to say I was at breaking point but when she called me MIL had gone to bed and you all at TP helped me. Sometimes I just need to scream and cry

Sunny day today here where I am so it should be a good day. Thankfully G is very good and deals with the night time regime so it was unusual last night

Tomorrow G, SIL and I go to MIL's flat to sort out/chuck out her junk which has built up while my mother has her. So at least a long day with G so that will be great

Many thank for listening

1954 x

 

[Il Gufo]

Hi 1954, Hope today is better for you I had a 'tipping point' day last Saturday, couldn't stop crying, ranting, railing at the world (and my poor OH), out of sheer frustration with the cards we are dealt and how to play them. It passed, and I know there will surely be more days like it. But this marvellous forum is a godsend, as I am sure you have found. Oh, and no more talk of slitting your wrists - who would clear up the mess??

 

[Big Effort]

I've had my fill right now too

Dear 1954,

I know this is no consolation..... but it is daytime and right now I feel like you felt last night. I just can't bear it any more (speaking for this minute). I cannot do it any more.

Now, it is a shock for me to realise this. It isn't Mum. It isn't the disease. It is me. I cannot do this anymore (just at this minute).

I know that changes will have to be made. Not for Mum. For me. So I have organised that a friend comes to stay in July and August..... she wants to read and sunbathe, so she can 'supervise' Mum while husband and I get on with out own plans.

I asked the neighbour to help Mum do her garden. I cannot do it. I wanted to make it nice and support her by doing what she can't. But I cannot do it. If I pick up the gardening fork, she wants it. If I start to weed, she fusses about that. If I plant her dahlias, she doubts it is dahlias I am planting. I cannot do it. Turns out the neighbour can - her own Mum is on oxygen and dying but too far for neighbour to visit..... so it helps her to help Mum. The world is a strange place, isn't it. I can't do it and my neighbour loves to!

While Mum is at this stage, argumentative as all get out with me ("You are a monster, a horrible horrible woman. Get out! Get out! Get out!" - all this because I wanted her to wash her hands as she was eating with real dirt under her nails and we know she picks up dog poo.) Right now dementia has the upper hand. So my aim is to dilute the problem.

Friends.
Paid help.
More friends.
Either hubby or me on duty, but never together, so one of us is free.

And this too shall pass. I think Mum is too mobile and too motivated, so she is a danger to herself. Yet dementia has robbed her of good sense..... so she cleaned poo out of her handbasin with her toothbrush. How did the poo get there? No, it wasn't Mm, of course it wasn't. It was last weeks visitors.

I think this is an emergency state for you. Good that you are returning to work. On the times you are 'on duty' as your husband has to be away, can you organise a friend to come and visit YOU? Diluting the dementia dose like that may help you cope with an evening or two. Or can you (and patient) go and visit a friend. Distraction, new environment..... Mum likes that.

Right now, I am in exactly the same spot as you. It is my own system rebelling. Too much, too long, dementia rules my life, hers, my husbands, what we eat, do, think, and it is all we talk about. I try not to castigate myself. This is a safety valve, an inner alarm to say...... this is not right for me.

Mum won't go into a home. Full stop. And I won't put her in. So other solutions must be found for the time being. And I shall ask others to help. Strangely they are all happy to do so. It is me who has trouble accepting help.

So I seem to want things both ways. I want my freedom. And I want to keep Mum. I am the problem here.

Hope my rant and thinking processes and 'dilution' ideas are of some help to you.

Well done for coming onto TP.
Hope you can do like they do in those TV money games: dial a friend. Don't sit at home with that.

It isn;t the person we hate. It's the dementia. And I sure hate advanced dementia.
Take care....... and listen to your inner messages. Hugs BE