Dearest Mum has passed

Discussion in 'End of life care' started by Ray96, Jun 12, 2019.

  1. Ray96

    Ray96 Registered User

    Sep 29, 2018
    #1 Ray96, Jun 12, 2019
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2019
    Mum was not expected to get to Christmas last year, and yet somehow she just kept on going, in fact she looked like she was going to go on for ever earlier this year, fighting the carers, scratching us, it wasn't easy to say the least, but that was her feisty character all over.

    After a coughing fit that lasted from about 3pm today, mum went to sleep at around 8pm, still breathing quite heavily and making some gurgling noises. At around 10pm she was staring up and her breathing was very shallow, almost non existant, I called an ambulance as this was something new and really got me worried. By 10.30/40pm she had passed away with me holding her hand, the Ambulance guys gave her oxygen but her blood pressure was down to 40 and she went like a lamb, so quietly and at peace.

    I feared a bad death for so long, I have read about all the lingering deaths and dehydration, but expect the unexpected with this illness, she was fine until 3pm today, I can't believe that she could go so suddenly. Ambulance people that came were out of this
    world, we have been very lucky with her care, support, nurses, everyone has been brilliant.

    I am her only son and have cared for her almost exactly 5 years since the Alzheimer's started, she also had lots of other medical problems. I kept her at home with me, this has extended her life without any doubt. At the end of the day, I'm glad that she staying at home and that she did not suffer in the end. But what a shock, I'm pretty sure it will take some time to sink in.
  2. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    I'm so sorry for your loss @Ray96. I'm glad you were with your mum and the end and that she is at peace now. Wishing you strength for the days and weeks to come.
  3. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    I'm sorry for your loss @Ray96 . Please accept my condolences.
  4. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    It must be such a shock, you have done so well. It was good the end was peaceful and at home.
  5. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Please accept my condolences.
    You have been a fantastic son, not many people manage to look after their PWD at home right up to the end.
    Im glad her passing was peaceful and you were with her.
  6. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    So sorry for your loss, a peaceful end was a blessing for you both.
  7. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    It`s all we can ask for. My condolences @Ray96
  8. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    That must have felt so sudden am so sorry. A peaceful end of life is what we wish for and am glad for your mum and you too that happened. Thinking of you
  9. Ray96

    Ray96 Registered User

    Sep 29, 2018
    Thanks for all your kind words everyone. You know the strangest thing is that after mum passed I kept trying to keep her warm, she stayed with me for well over three hours while various forms were filled out and then waiting for the funeral people. She was always so very cold all the time, I simply could not bare feeling her go so cold.

    So another one of our journeys comes to end. I was advised to not do anything in a rush like sell the house and move for one year, it will take that long to get a clear head again, sounds like a good plan to me.
  10. Hazara8

    Hazara8 Registered User

    Apr 6, 2015
    Ray, it is a strange no man's land now and one which challenges the essence of our humanity. Caring for a mother whom, due to unforeseen and uncompromising elements (Alzheimer's) is in itself a life-changing experience, but also enhancing in a profound way, not perhaps perceived right now. You have cared and that is basically where everything comes into perspective. You will have known moments of frustration, angst, exhaustion and maybe even anger. Dementia robs a loved one of capacity, a norm in daily life. But more poignant is the fact that loss of the one you have known, in respect of personality, capability, independence, often seems like a living bereavement. You have had mother at home up until the very end. That is rather wonderful, albeit never at all easy. An empty house, the constant "reminders" at every turn, the sheer absence of that routine of personal, loving care - makes for moments of sadness and despair. But the care you have, the love you have, the life you have, non of these can ever be taken away, not ever harmed. That purity, that truth will enable you to continue a life as you so deserve and continue without regret, nor angst, nor any remorse. And your mother's love can never forsake you. That is rather wonderful. Warmest wishes.
  11. Ken-Elizabeth

    Ken-Elizabeth New member

    Jun 12, 2019
    I am in the same boat my friend a son taking care of his mom instead of a nursing home 5 yrs dealing with this disease will either make you or break you and it’s seems it has made you a strong person my hat off to you. Hold on to the good memories what keeps me going is the occasional clarity from my mom realizing I’m caring for her and the thank you’s
  12. Ray96

    Ray96 Registered User

    Sep 29, 2018
    #12 Ray96, Jun 12, 2019
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2019
    Yes all of those emotions, and more I imagine, she was bed ridden for the last 8 months, so it became a routine, 7am, 11.30, 3pm, 6.30 and 10pm, I was with her 95% of the time with occasional days off for restbite when I had carers support. Thanks for your lovely post, it has helped on this most bleak of days.

    You know, from time to time I can see see her there on her bed in the living room in front of the telly, I can hear her. How strange the human mind can be at times.
  13. Ray96

    Ray96 Registered User

    Sep 29, 2018
    Well done Ken, keep up the good work. It's a fact that people have asked me how do I do it, why don't you put her away, told me I have my own life to live.
    But there is nothing else that I would have done more satisfying than look after mum, even though it was very tough on many occasion. I was in control of her care and wanted to be involved so that I knew what was going on, if she refused fluids or medication, I'd try again a bit later, not just write down refused and leave it so she would end up dehydrated, which is what happenned when she was in hospital last year.
  14. Hazara8

    Hazara8 Registered User

    Apr 6, 2015
    Thank you Ray. We are each quite different as human beings, our lives coloured by all manner of influences and experiences. But the role you have played truly outweighs the vast and varied preoccupations in most of our lives, because that CARE is really what touches the areas of the heart and mind so often bypassed when engulfed in the mundane routine of daily living, or indeed when consumed in self-esteem or gratification. There is profound value in that negation of self, when, as you have so clearly done, cared lovingly for your mother. The really significant element in all of this lies in the nature of the dementia itself. You are at the mercy of an uncompromising disease manifest in a loved one, a mother, expressed in ways alien to the one you know and love. The physical aspects alone can be immensely challenging, let alone the psychological presentations, so often alien, aggressive, even violent. So your journey is one of self-discovery and a sense of devotion which seeks no reward. I would term that "love' in it's truly meaningful sense. The essence of a mother in such circumstances can linger in a home for some time after her departure from it. You will know that only too well. And that "emptiness" which comes after the loss of one whom had received your care, is a kind of turmoil which clouds the mind. The love you gave unreservedly will dissipate those clouds, and you'll know it.
  15. maryjoan

    maryjoan Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    South of the Border
    Your emotions will do the strangest things to you at a time of bereavement. When my son died aged 13, I woke in the night because I thought he would be feeling the cold in his grave...... so much of us wants them still to be here....... treat yourself gently - you have done a wonderful job caring for your Mother.
  16. lis66

    lis66 Registered User

    Aug 7, 2015
    So sorry for your loss Ray96 what a credit you are to your mother ,I totally admire what you have done for five years ,I have been on this heartbreaking journey with my mum for six years take care of yourself xxx
  17. anxious annie

    anxious annie Registered User

    Jan 2, 2019
    Sorry for your loss. Although such a shock, take comfort from all your memories and the peaceful end.
  18. Cazzita

    Cazzita Registered User

    May 12, 2018
    So sorry for your loss. You sound like an awesome son. God bless xx
  19. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    Dear Ray,

    I am going through the same thing at the moment dad's eye was slightly open in hospital and there was me thinking it was a chest infection.

    My thoughts are with you.


  20. Babymare01

    Babymare01 Registered User

    Apr 22, 2015
    I am so sorry for your loss but take comfort in how you have cared for your mum for so long. x

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