Dealing with uneducated family

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by nessieck, Mar 1, 2015.

  1. nessieck

    nessieck Registered User

    Aug 30, 2014
    29
    #1 nessieck, Mar 1, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2015
    Hi everyone. Sorry for posting again, but I've had some news today which had really shocked me. From previous posts, you may be aware that I placed my mom into a CH for 4 weeks (their minimum time) over the period I went on holiday during half term week. Although mom wasn't overly keen, she was involved in the decision to stay there especially in light of the fact that the main reason for the respite was not only to get her meds and food regulated, but because she'd become locked in her house and as there's only me to look after her, I couldn't risk going away and leaving her in potential danger. Whilst I was away, mom was very aggressive when I contacted her and often slammed the phone down on me, so I arranged to talk things over with her GP when I got home. After a lengthy discussion with him, he was of the opinion that moms mental health would decline rapidly if she retuned home and SS would see her return as a get out clause for them. He said as I hold poa and if it could be financed, she would be much better off staying put. Moms siblings live abroad except for one sister who, if you've read some of my other posts, you will know because I'm adopted and not blood according to the sister, I'm not worthy of an opinion and I'm guilty of every accusation my AD suffering mother had ever made against me. So I found out today that my mother's siblings who are abroad are disgusted with me for putting my mom in a CH. I'd love them to shimmy across the water and deal with an hour of what I've been dealing with for months and months before they convey their disgust at me, but just wondering how I should deal with these uneducated idiots!?
     
  2. jasmineflower

    jasmineflower Registered User

    Aug 27, 2012
    335
    Hi, please don't spare your relatives another thought. They have no idea what you have been through, they have no intention of moving back here to care for your mum, or to help you.

    You and your GP have made an educated decision and you have been able to get your mum into a good care home before either you suffer total carer breakdown or your mother reaches crisis point, unlike many people on TP.

    Take a deep breath, hold your head up high and know that you have done your best.
    Hugs
    J x
     
  3. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,908
    Female
    Scotland
    You can't deal with them because they have no experience or understanding of what dealing with dementia involves. Take the advice of her GP and find out what to do next in terms of selling her home to pay for care. I would simply step away from the relationship with her siblings. What good would it do to argue with them. For all you know they may be heading towards dementia themselves!
     
  4. Kazza72

    Kazza72 Registered User

    Feb 10, 2015
    202
    West London
    #4 Kazza72, Mar 1, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2015
    Extended family are so quick to criticise aren't they...especially when they don't have the first clue on what life as a carer to someone with AD is like. I had that when I had a two week holiday 3 years ago. One of my mums sisters said she was going to report me to SS for leaving mum! I was livid. I told her to fill her boots....I'd already contacted SS for advice on care as I was still in my early days as a carer to someone with AD. At that point, we had carers come in daily twice a day, they were basically weak willed and ineffective as mum ran rings around them, my neighbour was kind enough to step in while I was away and make mum some dinners. Sadly, the neighbour passed away 18 months ago. I've not had so much as a night away since that holiday. One day hopefully.

    If the siblings are such great people then perhaps they can come over and take over the caring duties?!


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  5. nessieck

    nessieck Registered User

    Aug 30, 2014
    29
    Again, always brilliant advice on here!! Thanks. You're absolutely right! :)
     
  6. nessieck

    nessieck Registered User

    Aug 30, 2014
    29
    Oh bless you! You deserve a break. Thanks for responding xx
     
  7. Kazza72

    Kazza72 Registered User

    Feb 10, 2015
    202
    West London
    Aren't some families pointless though? Too many people happy to sit back and let someone run themselves into the ground but the second that person wants a break all hell breaks loose and they're a terrible person etc etc...pft...I bet your mum would be disgusting at them for how they're treating you if she could understand.


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  8. nessieck

    nessieck Registered User

    Aug 30, 2014
    29
    I think in my case, moms family being staunch Catholics are of the opinion that you look after your elders at all costs, in full capacity and blow any detriment to your own health and well-being! But totally agree...they have the audacity to sit there and judge me?? Beggars belief! I'm just grateful I'm not actually related to these idiots. Hope you get some respite soon hun x
     
  9. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    1,162
    Have you noticed how many people are eager to offer their opinions and how few to listen?
     
  10. Kazza72

    Kazza72 Registered User

    Feb 10, 2015
    202
    West London
    Good to hear you won't inherit any of their genetic traits. My family at RC too. Mum went berserk at my uncle when he put my nan into a CH...looking back, the cheek of mum, My uncle and his wife had no life which impacted on their two children as well. Blooming families...thank god we can forget about them. When mums gone that will be me only own...and it suits me just fine ;-)



    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  11. nessieck

    nessieck Registered User

    Aug 30, 2014
    29
    Just a bit! Lol
     
  12. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    6,585
    Oh, don't want to find myself in the position of defending people who couldn't care less but still have an opinion but I will, purely for your sake,
    nessieck.

    I have five siblings and it turned out when the going got tough the only one still standing was me.
    Hurray for me!

    But I did it because I couldn't not do it, not because I'm a hero.

    Doing it was my way of managing, if you see what I mean.
    Some of us can, some of us can't.

    Having said that, because I could do it and they couldn't, it meant that they had to shut up, for the most part they did, when they didn't...I made them.

    If they choose to stand back and play no part in the day to day struggles with supporting your Mum...then...me?
    I'd be straight to the point and tell them 'Shut up or put up, no daily input? keep your opinion to yourself!'

    Plain talk.

    And the Aunt who says you aren't family?

    I'm afraid the air would be blue around her and I would state THE FACTS...'She IS my Mum, you play no part in supporting her 24/7, therefore your opinion doesn't count.
    Furthermore, MY mother would be heartbroken to hear you talking about me in this way!'.

    Age is no excuse for ignorance and rudeness, cut her down.

    You don't have to defend yourself when you're in the right.

    Don't be cowed.
    Stay strong, stay focussed ( I KNOW how hard it is, mental battles with my siblings, lying awake in the dark in the wee small hours, used to take up FAR too much time and energy) and don't let their issues become another part of the burden you have to carry.
    Time will prove you're taking and making the right decisions for the right reasons...don't waste any energy on them.

    Best wishes. x
     
  13. nessieck

    nessieck Registered User

    Aug 30, 2014
    29
    WOW!! I so needed to read that! Thankyou xx
     
  14. Summerheather

    Summerheather Registered User

    Feb 22, 2015
    160
    It really drives it in to me when you're given the opinions of people who have no idea about Alzheimer's - honestly, unless they're walked in your shoes they should shut up.

    Seriously several years ago I wouldn't have been half as impolite, amazing what caring for someone with A will do to you.
     
  15. flossielime

    flossielime Registered User

    May 8, 2014
    201
    My dad could be quite plausible for short periods. Indeed if in the past you met him in the pub and had a short conversation with him you would have no idea. So I totally understand that you describe. My brother is convinced my dad has just a 'bit of memory loss all old people have and is suffering from stress'. My brother even implies the stress he was suffering from was due to me nagging him to take unnecessary medication and wash regularly!

    Ignore them - I tend to rant and then rise above it.
     
  16. Onlyme

    Onlyme Registered User

    Apr 5, 2010
    4,995
    UK
    Because not taking his medication and all the implications that come with that are ok. Completely missing the need of continuity of medication.
     
  17. nessieck

    nessieck Registered User

    Aug 30, 2014
    29
    I genuinely wonder why we're not all under mental health services too. It's tough enough without ridiculous resistance from people who are clueless! Makes me so mad:mad: Xx
     
  18. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    1,182
    My advice

    Introduce your siblings to this forum.
    They will be either educated or frightened off!
    Both useful.

    Other than that ask them to take full responsibility for the situation, as you are quite willing to step right back out of it!

    Bod
     
  19. gmama

    gmama Registered User

    Nov 25, 2014
    11
    South Lanarkshire
    It is so good to read everyone's comment's. Such a relief to know that I am not alone in dealing with family. My mother in law lives with us, and my husbands sisters are no where to be seen however on the odd occasion we do hear from them they say we should put mum in a care home. Why?? she is happy here and doesn't want to leave. It's so it will ease their conscience they don't even come for a visit let alone ask how she is doing . They both live 5/10 mins away from our house.The last time they were round was on her birthday on 2nd Jan 2015. I used to get upset when they said thing's but not anymore, they are just selfish and ignorant as to how life is with their mother. Thing's are changing with my mother ion law but we just find new way's of coping and respite every now and then is such a big help.
     
  20. jasmineflower

    jasmineflower Registered User

    Aug 27, 2012
    335
    In the early days my MIL accused her daughter of terrible things and was very plausible. She could bluff her way through easy social situations and phone calls without raising most people's suspicions.

    We live nearly 200 miles away and could easily have been taken in and thought the worst of my SIL. Luckily we had done our homework (thanks TP!) and also trusted my SIL implicitly.

    Without trying to make excuses for the invisibles, I can understand how they can have no insight into the real situation. However, I also believe that in many cases it is in their interests not to educate themselves as that might mean accepting some responsibility for their relative!!

    J x
     

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