Dealing with suspicion and accusations

[Vickin]

Hello everyone I just wanted to come here and share my grief I feel so sad right now

My mom was diagnosed with dementia last year there was a delay in diagnosis because of covid but I've known for a few years there was an issue as I was a former nurse in the NHS
However, although I'm familiar with the issues of dementia and the implications it can have on the person and their families its really difficult when you personally are experiencing it in your family.
My mom is classed as early stages and infact manages to go shopping, looks after the house and her finances well
I have noticed some delusional thoughts and for a while now she accuses my brother who lives with her of stealing things and taking advantage...I don't trust him tbf but I do think some if the things my mom says are untrue but her beliefs.
Most recently she helped me financially with some training courses. She was quite accepting that she could see what I was trying to achieve and was willing to help.
Since she has helped me she has started to behave differently, saying I have left her with no money for bills and that she was going to ring the bank because of this but then couldn't because what I had done .
My mom is financially secure and has substantial savings
On top of this she has become very distant saying glue wants to be left alone to live her life out and that she doesn't care about me . That her family is no good.
I've tried to reason somewhat but I know that this is not going to sway her. I'm struggling very much with her change as we have always been very close im really upset and don't know what to do ? I've rung a couple of times but both times it's been aweful how she's been with me . I want to be their for her and miss her very much. I'm wondering if she's progressing into the second stage she just seems different personality wise. How do I try and be in contact with her I'm even frightened to call or visit. Just thought I will wait a month or so and try again ...or could this be something else going on as I know she went to hospital outpatients for some tests

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Vickin Welcome to Dementia Talking Point.

Many nurses have said managing dementia is so much more different when it becomes personal so you are not on your own in this respect.

There seem to be two big issues which affect the security of people with dementia. One is their driving capacity and the other is control of their finances. It looks like your mother has been affected by the financial issue.

There`s little you can do about it now. Perhaps you could assure her you will try to refund the money she helped you out with as soon as you are able.

It might be best to step back a while and see if your mother contacts you. For the while she will continue to be quite independent and even if you are not too sure about your brother`s motives at least he will be on hand should any emergency arise.

Please continue to post there will be a lot of support for you on this forum including people who have had similar experiences.

 

[canary]

Hello @Vickin and welcome to DTP

I certainly remember this stage ☹️, Accusations of stealing are so common in dementia that they are practically diagnostic! Mum started out accusing her cleaner (who she fired!) of stealing, but at this stage I didnt realise that she had dementia. It was only when these accusations extended to an old and very dear friend of hers (who I knew would never do any such thing) that I suddenly realised that she had dementia. Then these accusations extended to me and she also accused me of abusing and hitting her. She said all sorts of things about me and wouldnt speak to me - half the time she wouldnt even let me in her house. She lived on her own and to start with she was still looking after herself and her home, but this deteriorated and it became obvious that she was not washing, changing her clothes, or doing any sort of housework.

As you have discovered, trying to reason does not work. Mum was getting false memories (called confabulations) that were filling in the gaps where real memories had been lost, so she was convinced that she was right because she remembered it and trying to tell her otherwise just made her angry.

I was trying to post the link to Compassionate Communication, but I dont seem to be able to access the page. Perhaps someone else could do this, please?

 

[Bunpoots]

Here it is @canary

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

Welcome from me too @Vickin ?

 

[canary]

Thank you @Bunpoots . I checked and I can access the page through that link - I dont know why I couldnt with the other ones.

 

[Bunpoots]

I had to dig it out of my private messages @canary . Couldn’t do it any other way. Must be a glitch.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Vickin and a welcome from me too. It does sound like your mum’s dementia may be progressing. I knew things weren’t quite right with my mum for a few years, but it was when she started accusing her new neighbours of things they couldn’t have possibly done that alarm bells started to ring.
Do you or your brother have Lasting Power of Attorney. If not that is something to get sorted. Mum managed her own finances for a while after we set it up, but it did mean I could look at her accounts online and check she wasn’t doing in-sensible things with her money. So I can’t link to that at the moment as I’m using my phone
It also might be a good idea to have a chat with your brother about what he thinks and start to plan some strategies for if and when things progress.

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @Vickin I remember the accusation stage very well. My wife said that I was stealing trivial objects such as coasters or pillow cases for my 'girlfriend's new flat'. I went up on a neighbour's roof and parked my car away from our house on purpose. A man who did not exist had moved into the street to spy on us and steal the dog. I was always going out drinking and was obsessively houseproud.

These and other accusations and confabulations took root and were hard to shift. I have no real advice other than to try to remember that your mom's alternative reality may change over time. Try to re-engage. Be as comforting and non-committal as you can. You will not avoid being hurt by the accusations but seeing them as a part of the disease may help.

Having had first hand experience of how false accusations can take hold, you might wish to weigh up what is being said about your brother in a similar light. It could be that he is also a victim of your mom's confabulations and misreading of ordinary events. You will need to decide for yourself whether or not he can be trusted rather than relying on what your mom says.

 

[Vickin]

Hi @Vickin and a welcome from me too. It does sound like your mum’s dementia may be progressing. I knew things weren’t quite right with my mum for a few years, but it was when she started accusing her new neighbours of things they couldn’t have possibly done that alarm bells started to ring.
Do you or your brother have Lasting Power of Attorney. If not that is something to get sorted. Mum managed her own finances for a while after we set it up, but it did mean I could look at her accounts online and check she wasn’t doing in-sensible things with her money. So I can’t link to that at the moment as I’m using my phone
It also might be a good idea to have a chat with your brother about what he thinks and start to plan some strategies for if and when things progress.

 

[Vickin]

Hi thank you fir your support I have already talked about power of attorney to her several times she didn't grasp what I was trying to say and said tge solicitor has power of attorney I explained it wouldn't help given her diagnosis but my mom is stubborn and won't be persuaded unfortunately x

 

[Vickin]

Hi @Vickin I remember the accusation stage very well. My wife said that I was stealing trivial objects such as coasters or pillow cases for my 'girlfriend's new flat'. I went up on a neighbour's roof and parked my car away from our house on purpose. A man who did not exist had moved into the street to spy on us and steal the dog. I was always going out drinking and was obsessively houseproud.

These and other accusations and confabulations took root and were hard to shift. I have no real advice other than to try to remember that your mom's alternative reality may change over time. Try to re-engage. Be as comforting and non-committal as you can. You will not avoid being hurt by the accusations but seeing them as a part of the disease may help.

Having had first hand experience of how false accusations can take hold, you might wish to weigh up what is being said about your brother in a similar light. It could be that he is also a victim of your mom's confabulations and misreading of ordinary events. You will need to decide for yourself whether or not he can be trusted rather than relying on what your mom says.

 

[Vickin]

Thank you for your support......its so very hard the hurt is aweful but I was aware it would come but nothing prepares you for it I feel like I'm grieving already.
In relation to my brother he did some things quite some time back when she was at the forgetful stage which I do believe to be true and he's always hounded her fir money . She has also kept him fir 10 years on her pension. However I have been thinking for a while that her accusations about him are in her beliefs. I don't live near by and I'm not close to my brother me and my mom have always been very close so my brother thinks I will always side with her when I can actually what's happening now ... I want to talk to him but doubt he will talk to me

 

[Banjomansmate]

If she is being difficult about money maybe you could point out that if she donates power of attorney to you , that you would handle all her affairs free of charge but if the solicitor or Court of Protection look after her affairs they will charge her a great deal of money!

 

[JayDeeEmm]

Hello everyone I just wanted to come here and share my grief I feel so sad right now

My mom was diagnosed with dementia last year there was a delay in diagnosis because of covid but I've known for a few years there was an issue as I was a former nurse in the NHS
However, although I'm familiar with the issues of dementia and the implications it can have on the person and their families its really difficult when you personally are experiencing it in your family.
My mom is classed as early stages and infact manages to go shopping, looks after the house and her finances well
I have noticed some delusional thoughts and for a while now she accuses my brother who lives with her of stealing things and taking advantage...I don't trust him tbf but I do think some if the things my mom says are untrue but her beliefs.
Most recently she helped me financially with some training courses. She was quite accepting that she could see what I was trying to achieve and was willing to help.
Since she has helped me she has started to behave differently, saying I have left her with no money for bills and that she was going to ring the bank because of this but then couldn't because what I had done .
My mom is financially secure and has substantial savings
On top of this she has become very distant saying glue wants to be left alone to live her life out and that she doesn't care about me . That her family is no good.
I've tried to reason somewhat but I know that this is not going to sway her. I'm struggling very much with her change as we have always been very close im really upset and don't know what to do ? I've rung a couple of times but both times it's been aweful how she's been with me . I want to be their for her and miss her very much. I'm wondering if she's progressing into the second stage she just seems different personality wise. How do I try and be in contact with her I'm even frightened to call or visit. Just thought I will wait a month or so and try again ...or could this be something else going on as I know she went to hospital outpatients for some tests

Hello @ Vickin, I went through this almost 2 years ago (he had only been diagnosed 2 month earlier) when my husband said he wanted to have a chat with me. He then said that I was helping myself to a little bit here and a little bit there wasn't I? I was so taken aback that I started to argue with him. Then it twigged that it was the dementia talking. Although at times it can be difficult, I find that by apologising and saying sorry, I wont do it again appeases him. I have never apologised as much as I have in the last 2 years for things I haven't done, but if it makes life easier then what does it matter? Maybe she's a bit depressed and a small dose of an anti depressant would help? I would let her doctor know as I think they have to take it into account even if they can't discuss matters directly with you. It's a long hard journey that many of us are on, but we can travel part of it together by giving support to each other.

 

[Vickin]

If she is being difficult about money maybe you could point out that if she donates power of attorney to you , that you would handle all her affairs free of charge but if the solicitor or Court of Protection look after her affairs they will charge her a great deal of money!

Hi nothing moves her unfortunately she doesn't understand where I'm coming from ...now I think she believes there's nothing wrong with her and on top she doesn't trust any one sadly

 

[Vickin]

Hello @ Vickin, I went through this almost 2 years ago (he had only been diagnosed 2 month earlier) when my husband said he wanted to have a chat with me. He then said that I was helping myself to a little bit here and a little bit there wasn't I? I was so taken aback that I started to argue with him. Then it twigged that it was the dementia talking. Although at times it can be difficult, I find that by apologising and saying sorry, I wont do it again appeases him. I have never apologised as much as I have in the last 2 years for things I haven't done, but if it makes life easier then what does it matter? Maybe she's a bit depressed and a small dose of an anti depressant would help? I would let her doctor know as I think they have to take it into account even if they can't discuss matters directly with you. It's a long hard journey that many of us are on, but we can travel part of it together by giving support to each other.

Hi yes I've come to that conclusion but she's not been too bad up till now but I did see a marked change in her last time I saw her . It's no good challenging it as in their mind it's their reality but a few weeks before I would be able to try and show what's going on now she believes what she believes and no moving her sadly

 

[Felixcat1]

Hello everyone I just wanted to come here and share my grief I feel so sad right now

My mom was diagnosed with dementia last year there was a delay in diagnosis because of covid but I've known for a few years there was an issue as I was a former nurse in the NHS
However, although I'm familiar with the issues of dementia and the implications it can have on the person and their families its really difficult when you personally are experiencing it in your family.
My mom is classed as early stages and infact manages to go shopping, looks after the house and her finances well
I have noticed some delusional thoughts and for a while now she accuses my brother who lives with her of stealing things and taking advantage...I don't trust him tbf but I do think some if the things my mom says are untrue but her beliefs.
Most recently she helped me financially with some training courses. She was quite accepting that she could see what I was trying to achieve and was willing to help.
Since she has helped me she has started to behave differently, saying I have left her with no money for bills and that she was going to ring the bank because of this but then couldn't because what I had done .
My mom is financially secure and has substantial savings
On top of this she has become very distant saying glue wants to be left alone to live her life out and that she doesn't care about me . That her family is no good.
I've tried to reason somewhat but I know that this is not going to sway her. I'm struggling very much with her change as we have always been very close im really upset and don't know what to do ? I've rung a couple of times but both times it's been aweful how she's been with me . I want to be their for her and miss her very much. I'm wondering if she's progressing into the second stage she just seems different personality wise. How do I try and be in contact with her I'm even frightened to call or visit. Just thought I will wait a month or so and try again ...or could this be something else going on as I know she went to hospital outpatients for some tests

Hello, I’m fairly new to TP too and I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I am experiencing the same thing with my dad. The first accusation came 2 years ago and it was devastating. I also reacted in the same way as you, trying to reason with him but he really believes what he has accused me of. I even went straight round and showed him the things he thought I had taken and the strange look on his face said that he still didn’t believe even though he was holding them. At first there wasn’t another accusation for a while but now they are coming thick and fast. I am starting to learn how to respond when dad accuses me but it is very hard and heart breaking. He was diagnosed with vascular dementia three weeks ago and I am now in the process of trying to get him to accept help. His brain scan showed severe and serious damage and loss of cells and in his memory assessment he scored very low indeed. The social worker is coming to visit him next week and I haven’t told him yet. I really don’t think he will accept any help. I’m sorry I can’t offer you any advice or reassurance but keep posting on here as it has helped me immensely in the short time that I have been a member. Xx

 

[DreamsAreReal]

Hi @Vickin and welcome! I feel like a broken record because I seem to post nothing but this, but my PWD gets delusional like this when she has a UTI. If she phones me and says something like “I can’t go into my bedroom because there’s two men in there…” I know she’s got one. A course (or two) of AB’s and she’s back to her normal. It’s not necessarily the case here, but worth checking if it’s a sudden change in behaviour.

Having said that, the delusions seem to be sticking around more since the last UTI, but she’s past the stage of being able to manage her money, go shopping etc.

I feel for you, it’s so painful when your life-long cheerleader turns on you, seemingly for no reason. ?

 

[Whatmalike]

One

Hello everyone I just wanted to come here and share my grief I feel so sad right now

My mom was diagnosed with dementia last year there was a delay in diagnosis because of covid but I've known for a few years there was an issue as I was a former nurse in the NHS
However, although I'm familiar with the issues of dementia and the implications it can have on the person and their families its really difficult when you personally are experiencing it in your family.
My mom is classed as early stages and infact manages to go shopping, looks after the house and her finances well
I have noticed some delusional thoughts and for a while now she accuses my brother who lives with her of stealing things and taking advantage...I don't trust him tbf but I do think some if the things my mom says are untrue but her beliefs.
Most recently she helped me financially with some training courses. She was quite accepting that she could see what I was trying to achieve and was willing to help.
Since she has helped me she has started to behave differently, saying I have left her with no money for bills and that she was going to ring the bank because of this but then couldn't because what I had done .
My mom is financially secure and has substantial savings
On top of this she has become very distant saying glue wants to be left alone to live her life out and that she doesn't care about me . That her family is no good.
I've tried to reason somewhat but I know that this is not going to sway her. I'm struggling very much with her change as we have always been very close im really upset and don't know what to do ? I've rung a couple of times but both times it's been aweful how she's been with me . I want to be their for her and miss her very much. I'm wondering if she's progressing into the second stage she just seems different personality wise. How do I try and be in contact with her I'm even frightened to call or visit. Just thought I will wait a month or so and try again ...or could this be something else going on as I know she went to hospital outpatients for some tests

o

 

[Whatmalike]

One of the first things we didnt notice with our mum was the convincing story of thieving going on from her home by whoever. We believed every word and investigated where possible.
Maybe a common begining I do not know but as long as you can be there to support and if not now when she feels she needs help and she will. Take care.