my 91 year old mum moved in 5 months ago, now needs all care. My husband is jealous of the time I spent looking after her, resentful that his home has to be shared with my mum. Talking to him is difficult, just leads to him sulking. Feel he wants mum in a home but that would break my heart. Feeling guilty and confused, love mum to bits and find myself wishing she would pass away, after all her quality of life is low. Anyone else in similar situation? or have advise.
dealing with resentful husband
- Thread starter gilldownie
- Start date
Both your wanting to safeguard your mum, and your husband's disappointment at losing the nice life you share are natural reactions to what this horrible disease can throw up. Can't offer any solutions I'm afraid, but just wanted to say I hope you find a compromise that suits you all.
Aw, Red, isn't that a bit harsh? Finding a solution together would be better, if a solution can be found.
From the other side of the fence, I am sick to the back teeth of my husband consistently failing to recognise the severity of his own mum's condition and take steps to sort out longer-term care for her (by which, yes, I mean a home).
There is a whole four-year back story here, which won't go into, but suffice to say I am 33 (he is 51) and have been helping to care for her for the last MIL since my late twenties, and to say it's been a corrosive influence on our (otherwise very strong, loving) marriage would be an understatement!
You are asking the impossible of him, IMO - particularly to have her in the home as well! That is the line in the sand that I will not and cannot cross (and he is of the same mind there) - constant proximity with dementia / his (in her herself maddeningly irritating) MIL would be more than I as an individual or our marriage could ever take...
My advice is to look for a care home for your mum, for the sake of your marriage - visit every day of course, but keep your home the sanctuary for the two of you.
There is a whole four-year back story here, which won't go into, but suffice to say I am 33 (he is 51) and have been helping to care for her for the last MIL since my late twenties, and to say it's been a corrosive influence on our (otherwise very strong, loving) marriage would be an understatement!
You are asking the impossible of him, IMO - particularly to have her in the home as well! That is the line in the sand that I will not and cannot cross (and he is of the same mind there) - constant proximity with dementia / his (in her herself maddeningly irritating) MIL would be more than I as an individual or our marriage could ever take...
My advice is to look for a care home for your mum, for the sake of your marriage - visit every day of course, but keep your home the sanctuary for the two of you.
Gilldownie it must be so hard for you, and you came on here hoping for advice. Your mum is 91, and you say you find yourself wishing, for her sake, she'd pass away. And that must be heartbreaking.
My dad came to live close to us when he was 92, and I found myself thinking the same. My husband was as supportive as he could be, but it was hard on us both, because those were the years when my husband and I should have been enjoying retirement. My dad died when he was 98, and by then my husband had Alzheimers. I wish my dad had moved into a care home earlier, as he would, I think, have been happier, and my husband wouldn't have lost his best retirement years.
Maybe Miss Merlot and Redlou have a point.
My dad came to live close to us when he was 92, and I found myself thinking the same. My husband was as supportive as he could be, but it was hard on us both, because those were the years when my husband and I should have been enjoying retirement. My dad died when he was 98, and by then my husband had Alzheimers. I wish my dad had moved into a care home earlier, as he would, I think, have been happier, and my husband wouldn't have lost his best retirement years.
Maybe Miss Merlot and Redlou have a point.
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I am with your husband I think. Moving into your own home is a pretty huge impact on married life. I wouldn't impose it on my wife and she wouldn't on me. Our own parents in their younger days wouldn't have wanted to impose that on us. Our line in the sand has been to move Dad closer to us whilst moving mum into a nursing home also closer to us.
If dad reaches the stage where he can't look after himself then the options will be carers in his house or a care home.
Hi
You are in a very difficult situation. I had my Mum come to live with us for over 4.5 years but she was in a granny bungalow, completely separate from our house but just a few yards away. My Mum enjoyed going out to the Day Care centre three times a week and went for respite care about 1 week in 8 weeks, this helped as we had time to do things together, even to sit and watch TV together.
Eventually the time came where Mum went into a care home, the same one where she went for day care, and although hasn't really settled is not as lonely as she was living here with us.
I used to feel that I needed to clone myself in three, as my husband and my son were needing my attention too.
It's very difficult - have you tried to get regular respite care or day care a couple of times a week. It really does help.
Pauline
xx
You are in a very difficult situation. I had my Mum come to live with us for over 4.5 years but she was in a granny bungalow, completely separate from our house but just a few yards away. My Mum enjoyed going out to the Day Care centre three times a week and went for respite care about 1 week in 8 weeks, this helped as we had time to do things together, even to sit and watch TV together.
Eventually the time came where Mum went into a care home, the same one where she went for day care, and although hasn't really settled is not as lonely as she was living here with us.
I used to feel that I needed to clone myself in three, as my husband and my son were needing my attention too.
It's very difficult - have you tried to get regular respite care or day care a couple of times a week. It really does help.
Pauline
xx
7yrs ago my parents sold their house and we built a granny flat on our property for them.
My husband was diagnosed with a brain tumour a few yrs before, with a grim prognosis, and not many years of survival ahead. Our children were 5 & 10.
The idea was that my parents would be on hand to babysit, and help when needed, plus it meant downsizing from a bigger property for them and freed up some money in their retirement.
7 yrs forward, my husband remains as well as can be expected, but with resulting neuro deficits frlm 2 surgeries, chemo and radiation. He hasn't worked since 2006.
My Mum 73 now has moderate Alzheimers and Dad 76 with cognitive impairment.
Despite not "living" together it has at times put a strain on my marriage.
At times I have had to put my parents needs before my husband and children.
Mum isn't yet at a care home level, but Mums AD does consume a lot of my time, energy and thoughts.
It's a constant concern of mine that my husbands condition will worsen and I am caring for all 3.
I find it incredibly hard balancing the needs of all concerned and very mindful that what time my husband may have left, has not been consumed by me caring for my parents.
My husband was diagnosed with a brain tumour a few yrs before, with a grim prognosis, and not many years of survival ahead. Our children were 5 & 10.
The idea was that my parents would be on hand to babysit, and help when needed, plus it meant downsizing from a bigger property for them and freed up some money in their retirement.
7 yrs forward, my husband remains as well as can be expected, but with resulting neuro deficits frlm 2 surgeries, chemo and radiation. He hasn't worked since 2006.
My Mum 73 now has moderate Alzheimers and Dad 76 with cognitive impairment.
Despite not "living" together it has at times put a strain on my marriage.
At times I have had to put my parents needs before my husband and children.
Mum isn't yet at a care home level, but Mums AD does consume a lot of my time, energy and thoughts.
It's a constant concern of mine that my husbands condition will worsen and I am caring for all 3.
I find it incredibly hard balancing the needs of all concerned and very mindful that what time my husband may have left, has not been consumed by me caring for my parents.
Gill, I feel for you. I have feeling such as yours every now and again. My mother does not live with my husband and I but I usually spend Mon-Thurs nights with her at her home 30 miles away from my home. Then she comes to stay with us on the weekends. My bother stays with her during the day. This has been working for us a couple of months and I actually enjoy the arrangement. Of course, I would like to have more alone-time with my husband but I feel this is the best fit for us all. My husband understands and he thinks he would rather Mom come and live with us fulltime instead of me staying with her during the week. I don't think he knows how it would be all the time, full time. My point is we discussed this arrangement, as I'm sure you and your husband did too--in the beginning. But as time wears on, we wear out. Our feelings of 3 months ago and the realization of the current situation do not always gel. As my mother's quality of life diminishes, and my free time is nil except for an occasional half hour or so, and I see nothing but harder times a-comin' I sometimes envision my mother's death. I pray every night not for a million dollars or to be a lottery winner, but that my mother will die happy. Then when she is happy, I worry my prayers will be answered. I hope your prayers will be answered, whatever they may be. I'm with you
Hi again Gill,
Hope you don't think we are all piling on top of you here - we are (hopefully!) all very supportive here... I just wonder what your husband might have posted, had he found this forum first...
MM x
Hope you don't think we are all piling on top of you here - we are (hopefully!) all very supportive here... I just wonder what your husband might have posted, had he found this forum first...
MM x
Hi Gill
You are in such a difficult situation. But that said I do think moving a parent in with AD would be a step too far for most marriages. Our plan years ago was to build an extension to our house for my dad. At the time no care was needed it was just to for him to have the company.
However, this was before he was diagnosed once he was diagnosed my husband sat me down and made it clear we had to change our plan as dad living with us would be difficult as the disease progressed. Our kids were 3&4 at the time and he also pointed out that their childhood would be badly affected.
Anyway in our case Dad continued to live at home and managed quite well for a further 3 years - with me popping in each day. My husband also visited most days and gets on really well with dad.
In the last 6 months dad has suddenly gone down hill and care has become rather full on - with dad not sleeping and us needing to stay the night at his house and visit a few times a day. Often at unexpected times - lost keys, remote controls, lost wallets, burnt toast resulting in fire engines, police bringing him home from wandering. Anyway throughout husband has been supportive - but just recently he has put his foot down and said Dad has to go into care. He thinks the tipping point has been reached. I think this some days, but on others I think if we just do a bit more him he could manage at home for longer.
Husband and I have argued over this many times - but now I see that husband had a more objective view - I was too emotionally involved to see what was best for dad and also for our children and us. One thing we have always agreed on and that my dad would HATE to be a burden on anyone and would hate to feel his needs were coming before the needs of our kids. I know have come around to the same opinion to my husband - dad would be better in a care home (as long as it the right one).
I hope you find a way through this - maybe you just need a little more time.
You are in such a difficult situation. But that said I do think moving a parent in with AD would be a step too far for most marriages. Our plan years ago was to build an extension to our house for my dad. At the time no care was needed it was just to for him to have the company.
However, this was before he was diagnosed once he was diagnosed my husband sat me down and made it clear we had to change our plan as dad living with us would be difficult as the disease progressed. Our kids were 3&4 at the time and he also pointed out that their childhood would be badly affected.
Anyway in our case Dad continued to live at home and managed quite well for a further 3 years - with me popping in each day. My husband also visited most days and gets on really well with dad.
In the last 6 months dad has suddenly gone down hill and care has become rather full on - with dad not sleeping and us needing to stay the night at his house and visit a few times a day. Often at unexpected times - lost keys, remote controls, lost wallets, burnt toast resulting in fire engines, police bringing him home from wandering. Anyway throughout husband has been supportive - but just recently he has put his foot down and said Dad has to go into care. He thinks the tipping point has been reached. I think this some days, but on others I think if we just do a bit more him he could manage at home for longer.
Husband and I have argued over this many times - but now I see that husband had a more objective view - I was too emotionally involved to see what was best for dad and also for our children and us. One thing we have always agreed on and that my dad would HATE to be a burden on anyone and would hate to feel his needs were coming before the needs of our kids. I know have come around to the same opinion to my husband - dad would be better in a care home (as long as it the right one).
I hope you find a way through this - maybe you just need a little more time.
Sorry, but I'm finding it difficult to comment on the appropriateness or otherwise of your husband's feelings. We simply don't know enough about you, him or your mum.
I understand that you started the thread and asked for advice. Well, you've certainly got some. But I feel for you in this situation. You're having to think about a decision that no-one would wish to have to take. Whatever happens, I hope that when it's all over you will be able to feel that you've done right by your mum, and will have got your life and your relationship with your husband back.
I understand that you started the thread and asked for advice. Well, you've certainly got some. But I feel for you in this situation. You're having to think about a decision that no-one would wish to have to take. Whatever happens, I hope that when it's all over you will be able to feel that you've done right by your mum, and will have got your life and your relationship with your husband back.
I would say ...don't do it.
I don't know why people are so averse to a care home. They do all the donkey work while you can do the nice things like visiting and taking them out.
Don't put this burden on your marriage . It's not fair on your husband.
It's only going to get harder.
I don't know why people are so averse to a care home. They do all the donkey work while you can do the nice things like visiting and taking them out.
Don't put this burden on your marriage . It's not fair on your husband.
It's only going to get harder.
Whenever I was stuck with knowing what to do with all the problems that dementia causes I asked myself what Mum would have wanted me to do had she been her old self. I am betting that because you obviously care for her so very much your motherhas been a wonderful mum to you and so I am sure she would not want to be the cause of any upset in your marriage. Think about what she would want and I'm sure you will make the right decision. I also echo what others have said that a CH can be a much better option. My mum loved hers and I visited all the time. It made life easier for her and she loved the company and all in all it made our time together a real pleasure for both of us.
Good luck and do try to understand your husband...not every one can cope with dementia and he has the stress of living with it and probably is worried about what it is doing to you too.
Good luck and do try to understand your husband...not every one can cope with dementia and he has the stress of living with it and probably is worried about what it is doing to you too.
During my mother's first year with us, my husband was resentful. He was never one to seek out my companionship, but when he saw the time I was putting into my mother, he grew annoyed that he was never included or that we could never do anything by ourselves any more.
If you can, perhaps try to have a dinner out with him once a week, having a friend or neighbor or sibling in to be with your mother. Aim for a weekend away once a month, or arrange for a holiday where you can have two to three nights alone by yourselves doing something you both like. It's not cheap, but you need some respite with him so you both can sort out what will work and what isn't working for him.
My husband "came around" after about a year. I think what happened was his family and friends told him how generous he was to do this, what it said about him as a man, what it said about the strength of our relationship, and so forth. He is so on board with this now that he helps me by taking her on, on some nights (because while we have daytime help, we do not hire overnight help), so I can sleep. It has been a total turnaround, in other words.
I think several people on here have not shown the compassion you had hoped for, and I'm sorry about that. We all speak from our own life experiences. I have been where you are, and it hurts tremendously. With a little bit of one-on-one with my husband and some built in dinnertimes by ourselves, we repaired what was going wrong and worked out how to move forward. I hope you too can find a place where you can reach through whatever screen he now has installed between you, listen to his anger and upset, and open the door to a future where you and he and your mother can live amiably together. None of this is easy. I feel for you.
If you can, perhaps try to have a dinner out with him once a week, having a friend or neighbor or sibling in to be with your mother. Aim for a weekend away once a month, or arrange for a holiday where you can have two to three nights alone by yourselves doing something you both like. It's not cheap, but you need some respite with him so you both can sort out what will work and what isn't working for him.
My husband "came around" after about a year. I think what happened was his family and friends told him how generous he was to do this, what it said about him as a man, what it said about the strength of our relationship, and so forth. He is so on board with this now that he helps me by taking her on, on some nights (because while we have daytime help, we do not hire overnight help), so I can sleep. It has been a total turnaround, in other words.
I think several people on here have not shown the compassion you had hoped for, and I'm sorry about that. We all speak from our own life experiences. I have been where you are, and it hurts tremendously. With a little bit of one-on-one with my husband and some built in dinnertimes by ourselves, we repaired what was going wrong and worked out how to move forward. I hope you too can find a place where you can reach through whatever screen he now has installed between you, listen to his anger and upset, and open the door to a future where you and he and your mother can live amiably together. None of this is easy. I feel for you.
Perhaps it's because they read TP and know that, although in an ideal world all care homes would provide the kind of care we would all wish for, in too many cases entry to a care home means that the person they love will not be cared for as well as they have been at home and may, in the worst case scenario, be neglected and even abused.
It's clearly not as simple as you suggest.
But it is like life, people complain when things go wrong but when things go right they just get on with it, perhaps we just hear mostly the bad things,
I agree Jeany. To be fair we often read on TP of homes that clearly reach the highest standards but one bad care home can easily nullify the good work of ten.
However it's clear that one reason why some people have such difficulty in accepting the idea of a care home placement is the worry that they might end up with a home that is not up to scratch. This is entirely understandable and should surely be recognised.
