It is now 2 months since my mother died. She was 62, so relatively young. Life seems to have moved on, and only my closest two or three friends ever bring up what happened.
My problem is, I think I'm not sufficiently sad about my mum dying. Since she died, iv only cried twice, and just haven't felt the need to cry at any other point. I feel relief that I don't have to go visit her in her care home. When I was sorting out some parts of her probate as am an executor I was making jokes about my responsibilities. Iv got a wedding to attend this weekend and my main concern is what to wear.
My problem is I think I should be sadder than I am. And I don't know why I am not sadder. Part of me can't remember what I am meant to be missing. Iv watched her deteriorate and die during my 20s so I guess to remember her as she was before she had any signs of dementia I need to think back to when I was I think around 23, but I can't really seem to remember what she was like. I can't help but think this is odd.
Also I think maybe I will have some floodgate of grief that will all open soon and that doesn't sound healthy.
Lastly I think maybe I have already dealt with her loss bit by bit over the years. Maybe at 24 I dealt with the realisation that our roles had switched and now I would need to be the more responsible, at 27 realised that her personality had changed for ever, at 28 realised that I had lost a mother who could feed or wash herself. So maybe the final loss at 29 was not such a big deal as had lost her in stages over 5 years. I just don't know to be honest.
My problem is, I think I'm not sufficiently sad about my mum dying. Since she died, iv only cried twice, and just haven't felt the need to cry at any other point. I feel relief that I don't have to go visit her in her care home. When I was sorting out some parts of her probate as am an executor I was making jokes about my responsibilities. Iv got a wedding to attend this weekend and my main concern is what to wear.
My problem is I think I should be sadder than I am. And I don't know why I am not sadder. Part of me can't remember what I am meant to be missing. Iv watched her deteriorate and die during my 20s so I guess to remember her as she was before she had any signs of dementia I need to think back to when I was I think around 23, but I can't really seem to remember what she was like. I can't help but think this is odd.
Also I think maybe I will have some floodgate of grief that will all open soon and that doesn't sound healthy.
Lastly I think maybe I have already dealt with her loss bit by bit over the years. Maybe at 24 I dealt with the realisation that our roles had switched and now I would need to be the more responsible, at 27 realised that her personality had changed for ever, at 28 realised that I had lost a mother who could feed or wash herself. So maybe the final loss at 29 was not such a big deal as had lost her in stages over 5 years. I just don't know to be honest.
