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Dealing with grief before loss

Scouts girl

Registered User
Jan 18, 2017
Oh how I wish I too could have my lovely mum back and share again the happy and special times we shared before she succumbed to this awful disease. I am lucky that my mum is still reasonably mobile and not confined to bed in a NH yet. Her health is deteriorating both mentally and physically so quickly and it is so distressing to visit her in the care home and all she says is 'I want to die, I can't live like this any longer'. She knows that something is not right mentally but does not understand why and what is happening to her. She gets so upset and frustrated that she cannot do things for herself now and is dependent on me and the carers for all her needs. I don't know whether to try and explain it all to her or just let nature take its course and just keep reassuring her that we all love her and try and cope as best we, as a family, can with the 'loss' of mum, grannie and great grannie. I sometimes wish she would just slip away peacefully and won't have to deteriorate to the point that she will not know us and be confined to bed. I have been thinking about moving her into a home with more nursing care but at this stage feel that a move could upset her even more and cause her more confusion. Wouldn't it be lovely if I could walk in to see her smile again and tell me she loves me and understands why she now needs the special 24 hour care. I suppose miracles can happen!! Just hang on to the lovely memories and try and be a little thankful that mum is still with us. Xx


Registered User
Jan 10, 2017
Just want you all to know this post have helped me MORE than any doctors, drugs or counselling.....
Just wanted to thank you all from my heart ❤️ THANKS A MILLION!
still feeling blue but understanding why....
Hugs & love
Mammamu [emoji202]

Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

Pear trees

Registered User
Jan 25, 2015
I am not and never have been close to my mum who was diagnosed with vascular dementia 5 years ago. I regret that I never had a good relationship with her. She sometimes recognises me, then accuses me of stealing her money and food and gets distressed until I leave.
She is 90 next month and very healthy apart from the VD. She could live for many years yet. I will never be able to mend our relationship, and she will spend her last years hating me as she has all her life.


Registered User
Dec 11, 2013
Pear trees

I am so sorry for your situation.....feeling (or knowing) that that's how your mother feels must be utterly awful. In fact I can't think of a strong enough word for it. I can only say that I think you're amazing for continuing to care for and see her. Relationships are so complex, and yours with your mum especially so, it seems.

As to grieving whilst one's loved one is alive, I agree so wholeheartedly with so many posts above.

Thank you all :) xx


Registered User
Jul 22, 2013
East Yorkshire
Can I just ask, and don't feel you have to answer if you don't want to, but how 'long did that period of 'twilight' last?

For me it is now going on for 2 and a half years years, since my mother was able to respond with a look, a smile or even a hand squeeze. Coming up 2 years since Drs and the Home asured me I probably wouldn't have to watch her suffering for much longer.

In the intervening years I've watched my father-in-law's cancer get worse and watch him die, followed by my mother-in-law, who had no known serious illness. I really feel I haven't the strength to watch my mother's very slow, long drawn-out deterioration.

My mother has now been 3 months free from emergencies and usually she's better health-wise over the summer and I just see this 'watching and waiting' stretching out seemingly forever. (In the interim I've got to cope with husband undergoing radiotherapy treatment.)

I have to say her sister was at a worse (very last sub-stage) stage and lasted 6 years in that stage and was much older than my mother when she finally died. So it is a real worry if she has the same genes.

How does one summon the strength to watch and wait indefinitely?
I know this post was over a year ago but I'm asking myself that very same question, how do you summon the strength to watch and wait indefinitely? I feel like I'm cracking up but I need to stay strong until the very end arrives. I don't think I've got much fuel left in my tank. Work is also very stressful and they are less than supportive. I'm not sure I can cope anymore :(