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Dealing with anger, resentment and paranoia from the loved on with dementia.

Meetoo

Registered User
May 23, 2021
16
0
I am trying to learn how to manage all of this. We have good days when all is well and he is happy but it so quickly descends into unkind words and controlling behaviour. After all, as a wife of 54years I clearly have duties and no rights in his mind. Everything is his and everything I try to do to make our lives easier is blocked. It’s all very frustrating. I am learning to walk away and do something else and trying not to get to angry myself.
Respite care would be great but he has to be willing to go! Carers are wonderful but they have to be accepted. I am lucky, we have a lovely home in the countryside with fields and kind neighbours who understand the difficulty.
There is the frustration of getting old, hard to accept when you are 94 and as I reach 80 this year I’m no longer a spring chicken. I enjoy painting but everything is in heaps around the house and shed because no space is mine and the bedrooms aren’t suited. Another annoyance for my loved one.Our lovely children are abroad, two in New Zealand, two in USA with our grandchildren. Thank heavens they have been able to visit.
I do have support but he doesn’t like it. He talks of my being able to do what I want when he is gone but he is amazingly strong and fit for his age, walking independently, eating well, but not happy. He does not like me and thinks he can find a replacement. How sad for him, he has so much and it all becomes worthless. it’s a cruel and strange illness. I don’t mind forgetfulness but anger and unkindness are hard to deal with.
 

Ericajy

New member
May 29, 2022
5
0
My mum has become like this. We live on a farm and she lives in a barn conversion nearby. Dad (no longer with us now) and her moved there when we bought our property 22 years ago. Sometimes she sets off walking down the road and refuses to come back saying that everyone mistreats her. I struggle taking her out anywhere because it descends into accusations about credit/debit cards that she hides away, can't find and accuses me of having.
 

SERENA50

Registered User
Jan 17, 2018
154
0
I am trying to learn how to manage all of this. We have good days when all is well and he is happy but it so quickly descends into unkind words and controlling behaviour. After all, as a wife of 54years I clearly have duties and no rights in his mind. Everything is his and everything I try to do to make our lives easier is blocked. It’s all very frustrating. I am learning to walk away and do something else and trying not to get to angry myself.
Respite care would be great but he has to be willing to go! Carers are wonderful but they have to be accepted. I am lucky, we have a lovely home in the countryside with fields and kind neighbours who understand the difficulty.
There is the frustration of getting old, hard to accept when you are 94 and as I reach 80 this year I’m no longer a spring chicken. I enjoy painting but everything is in heaps around the house and shed because no space is mine and the bedrooms aren’t suited. Another annoyance for my loved one.Our lovely children are abroad, two in New Zealand, two in USA with our grandchildren. Thank heavens they have been able to visit.
I do have support but he doesn’t like it. He talks of my being able to do what I want when he is gone but he is amazingly strong and fit for his age, walking independently, eating well, but not happy. He does not like me and thinks he can find a replacement. How sad for him, he has so much and it all becomes worthless. it’s a cruel and strange illness. I don’t mind forgetfulness but anger and unkindness are hard to deal with.
Sending a hug to you xx I agree the anger and resentment but also apathy and total lack of empathy are some of the most trying things with my own Dad. He also spouts racist remarks, sexist remarks and the kind Dad always thinking of others Dad has gone now. The new Dad is quite obnoxious sometimes. It seems to magnify aspects of someone's personality that maybe we not very nice in the first place, at least that is our experience. I try and tell myself it is the illness and what is happening to the brain. Be kind to yourself. I am sure your children visiting must lift your spirits a little bit xx
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
76,273
0
Kent
I am learning to walk away and do something else and trying not to get to angry myself.

That is the best action you can take @Meetoo . I`m afraid it meant at the time my husband and I were living separate lives in the same house.

If it`s any consolation, it did change for us with the progression of dementia as my husband lost more insight which reduced the anger and paranoia.

If you can get any help at all, perhaps from a befriender or carer on the pretext of someone to help you with housework, please do.

 

dallison

New member
Jun 13, 2022
1
0
My mum has become like this. We live on a farm and she lives in a barn conversion nearby. Dad (no longer with us now) and her moved there when we bought our property 22 years ago. Sometimes she sets off walking down the road and refuses to come back saying that everyone mistreats her. I struggle taking her out anywhere because it descends into accusations about credit/debit cards that she hides away, can't find and accuses me of having.
my mum is just the same she hides things all the time then accuses my sister who lives with her of stealing them when there not were they should be its so hard to see mum so upset crying to me that my sister is a horrible person and why does she do these things to me ,im the only one she will let look around for these items ...
 

Meetoo

Registered User
May 23, 2021
16
0
I thought I had found the perfect person to help but I haven’t heard from him since I asked for references which is so bad. I am trying to find out whether a thing he said was true and then I think I should tell the police.
I have been to an agency but no men available and the lady they sent was lovely but a not very fit 76year old and my husband not very nice to her. They charge £25an hour but only give her 9.50 and they don’t pay a stamp.
Thank you for the helpful advice, I’m enjoying a quiet cuppa and the day ahead is sunny. Look after yourselves and keep safe,
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
12,448
0
Yorkshire
Hi @Meetoo
If this concerns you:
"I am trying to find out whether a thing he said was true and then I think I should tell the police."
tell the police now and leave them to investigate ... if someone is trying to look after vulnerable people and you are worried, that needs to be reported just in case it is significant
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
12,448
0
Yorkshire
Hello @dallison
A warm welcome to DTP
So tough on your sister... it seems the person at hand is generally the one who takes the most flack... it's good that you are understanding and supporting hr
 

Meetoo

Registered User
May 23, 2021
16
0
Hi @Meetoo
If this concerns you:
"I am trying to find out whether a thing he said was true and then I think I should tell the police."
tell the police now and leave them to investigate ... if someone is trying to look after vulnerable people and you are worried, that needs to be reported just in case it is significant
I have decided to call the local Police on Monday when our station opens. It seems so bad that someone poses as a carer and with no references how can he be genuine?