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dealing with accusations

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by jannie19, Oct 15, 2015.

  1. jannie19

    jannie19 Registered User

    Aug 4, 2015
    Whenever my husband misplaces something or can't find what he's looking for he always blames me, I try to stay calm and help him find these things but he does hide things away for some reason. Today this has happened and I can't reason with him. I seem to be walking on eggshells all the time waiting for the next outburst. How do people cope with this ? Any advice gratefully received.
  2. nitram

    nitram Registered User

    Apr 6, 2011
    North Manchester
    He's not hiding things, he's putting they somewhere safe.

    In the words of the saying try to 'keep calm and carry on'.

    Not easy I know but virtually anything you do can make matters worse, don't try and help him find things, this could just make him more upset about the loss.

    Distraction is the only way, but how remains the problem.
  3. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    I'm looking after someone who does this at the moment a lot and I so agree distraction - we just drop the idea of whatever is lost and pick up a book or I even pretend I've banged my toe on a door jamb to make the moment pass and then we are off on a different tack and the lost item is forgotten fairly quickly. It is a bit of an art not to get sucked in lol xx Good luck
  4. jannie19

    jannie19 Registered User

    Aug 4, 2015
    Thank you , I wish distraction did work but although his short term memory is obviously terrible he seems to remember the things he has lost for days on end |||
  5. Pear trees

    Pear trees Registered User

    Jan 25, 2015
    As others have said distraction is the best way, then look for the item alone later. My mum has accused the neighbours of taking the keys that are round her neck, then after distraction she 'finds' them and is happy again. I have been accused of hiding a cupboard full of food, and of stealing all the money from her purse which has always got money in. A cup of tea is enough to distract her most times onto something else.
  6. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    oh that is difficult - can he not even be tempted away from his worries with a glass of sherry :)!!
  7. Annie C

    Annie C Registered User

    Oct 14, 2015
    I do sympathise. My Dad, who is in the early stages of AZ, squirrels all sorts of things away for safe keeping, often in boxes inside boxes. Yesterday I gave him a pair of my earrings that he had said he would mend and he stuffed them inside an old roll film container which he put inside an old chocolate box which he slid under his chair along with a bunch of other small boxes. If he can't find them tomorrow he will be shouting at someone for losing them. Or accusing me of taking them home with me ... he seems to think everything he misplaces ends up here.

    We have introduced a couple of plastic kids toy storage boxes - one in my parents living room and one on their upstairs landing - that are his for his 'bits and bobs', and for now having these special places to put his things seems to be working ... it's hard for him to forget about them as they are bright red and right there (and very much in the way). Might something similar work for your husband I wonder.
  8. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    What a great idea! :)
  9. Hair Twiddler

    Hair Twiddler Registered User

    Aug 14, 2012
    Middle England
    Jannie19, watch out for things squirreled (looks a funny word but i've checked the spelling :) ) away in twisted up tissues or even small ripped up pieces of tissues. So easy to pick them up and drop then in the bin without a second thought.

    As an aside, I found a necklace embedded in a large pot of E45 cream (other brands can be used....I guess) ;)
  10. malomm

    malomm Registered User

    Squirreling is something Mrs M goes in for a lot, our consumption of kitchen rolls and toilet rolls cost a fortune. At the moment she is obsessed with hiding money, fruit, biscuits, room and wardrobe keys, and then of course accusing me of theft when she can't find them. I have my own hiding places for spare sets of keys, and now know that more often than not money or jewellery are stuffed in bra or knickers.
    All good clean fun innit.
    keep smiling,
  11. Casbow

    Casbow Registered User

    Sep 3, 2013

    My husband puts all kinds of things in his wardrobe. Pebbles, tools, books ,belts, pens to name a few. The biggest problem is that he shuffles paperwork all over the house. I spend half my time looking for things which sometimes are important. I have freaked out over missing hospital appointment letters, Cards and letters to be posted. Post I haven't received, hidden away in various places. Even phoned the local newspaper delivery to say that I didn,t receive my evening newspaper. Only o find it folded neatly and put away 'somewhere safe'. Try to be patient and my lovexx
  12. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    Hello casbow my hubby did exactly the same would hide all the mail, as he didn't know who l was, he was saving it for me!!!!
  13. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    North East England
    Torn up paper and tissues:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:...Tons and tons of it, she was her own recycling firm, but I never did find the valuable pair of Diamond Earrings Mum put away safely:eek: just not safely in the safe!!!!:mad::mad: "Someone" had moved them.:rolleyes:
  14. Casbow

    Casbow Registered User

    Sep 3, 2013
    Things going missing

    I find so much comfort in reading from other members of Talking point. I didn't know that so many others have the problem of the partner hiding things and then denying any knowledge of it. I could give so many examples of my OH but the one that causes me a lot of worry is that our village hall has a scheme to lend reading books. 20p donation to borrow a book with the idea that it is returned when read. We now have about 30 books hidden in his wardrobe but he denies that any of them came from the hall ,they are all his!
  15. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    so brilliant!!!!
  16. imogen13

    imogen13 Registered User

    Jul 19, 2014
    I have just found at least 30 newspaper bits my husband has cut up and hidden(put safe) I am at my wits end and don't know what to do .I work and he does this when I an away.He hasd F.T.dementia and can be left for a short period.I know what you mean by walking on eggshells and there is no way to reason this behavior.My only break is work.I can't offer you any answer on to be able to empathize with you.Good luck
  17. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Dont try reasoning - it doesnt work as logic and reasoning is one of the first things to go. Reasoning with him is likely to just make him aggressive. Bits of newspaper "hidden away" is annoying, but IMO doesnt do any harm and best just ignored and tidied up when hes not there. Unless the behaviour is anti-social, unhealthy, or downright dangerous Id leave him to it.
  18. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    All very well, until the person is going mad trying to find whatever they've hidden, and blaming everyone else for hiding or taking it.

    I well remember a very long hunt for something FIL had hidden - probably his defunct bank books since he was obsessed with them. He was yelling, 'I - go -crazy!' with fury and frustration, and after so long searching until well past all our bedtimes, I flipped and yelled back, 'We're going bloody well crazy, too!!'

    Forget where we eventually found them - probably in or behind books - a favourite hiding place - and we have an awful lot of books on an awful lot of shelves in this house.

    When he went to stay with BIL and SIL for a few days, they eventually took away the bank books he had been so obsessed with - he kept them in an old tartan shopping bag and was constantly taking them out or worrying where the bag was. Driven mad, they took the whole lot away and told him it was gone.

    At the time I thought it verging on cruelty to take his 'precious' bag away, but in fact he forgot it completely within a very few days. And I must say it was a relief to have an end to the constant fretting and obsessing.
  19. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Witzend - I think that scenario would definitely come in the category of "anti-social"
  20. gerrytt

    gerrytt Registered User

    Jul 9, 2015
    Hi Jannie 19!
    Went through this with my wife. Simple answer: simply "suck in up"! It's hard to do but always remember: never argue or try to rationalize with your love one. It's simply a waste of time and can become, for you, very stressful. Hang in there! You have an awful lot of people pulling for you!

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

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