dead end


Registered User
Mar 7, 2008
ramsey, isle of man
do you ever feel like your banging your head against a brick wall? as a family, we have recently taken the plunge and admitted that we can no longer cope keeping mum at home. she is 76 and is in the middle stages of dementia, so of course she wanders, has moods, and throws tantrums.

bags packed and grumbling all the way, she moved into a local home january this year, a month later they decide that they cannot allow her to stay as she is too disruptive. so follows 2 days of hecticness, and mum swiftly packed up and moves to a home further away. we are optimistic having been advised that this is a more suitable place. two weeks have past and we have just received a call to say that they also cannot keep mum because of her behaviour.

i know that this is probably only the beginning of what could turn out to be a very repetative problem, but it is so demoralising.

mum was a proud, kind woman, she loved (loves) her family and deserves better than to be shunted from pillar to post just because she can no longer understand social correctness.

i feel so helpless right now. :(


Rant away, rant away! That's what we all do on TP - some more than others! I'm trying to behave myself at the moment, but failing!

You sound as though you're having a really rough time of it. I can't offer any personal experience of the situation you're in, but there will be others coming along who are able to offer the benefit of their wisdom. So sit tight, and they will arrive soon to offer advice.

Meanwhile, put the kettle on and make a cuppa!

Take care,


Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
Hi Kiytyn and welcome to Talking Point.

Did these homes not conduct an evaluation before admitting her? I understand that some times it's not possible to tell whether a home is a good fit for someone, but they seem to have totally underestimated your mother's requirements. Further, could it not be a case of "failure to settle" - sometimes it can take much longer that 2 weeks to get over that particular hump? Assuming however, it's something more serious - aggression, or uncontrollable wandering, I think you need to be looking for a different kind of home - EMI (elderly mentally infirm). These homes should have staff who are trained to deal with all the challenging behaviours, and a design that means that wandering is not an issue (locked doors, a circular layout, access to safe outside areas for example).

Does your mother have a consultant, and if so what input has he/she had? Also social worker or CPN?


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Hi Kiytyn, welcome to TP.

I would agree with Jennifer, it sounds as if an EMI unit would be the best solution.

If there is one close to you, go and visit it and talk to the staff. Don't be put off by first appearances, they can be quite scary. My husband John is in one, and I must admit I was horrified the first time I saw it.

But honestly, the staff are so kind, and though there is some challenging behaviour, it's always dealt with calmly and quietly. And people are free to walk around if that's what they want to do.

I think you need to talk to your social worker and CPN. Your mum would need to be assessed as needing EMI care, and they would probably be the ones to do it.

That's just one possibility -- others may have other suggestions for you.

Good luck,


Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
Lancs, England

Hello Kiytyn,
Welcome to TP. I see you live on the Isle of Man and understand that EMI homes may be a bit thin on the ground. What I'd like to say is don't be afraid of them. I was shocked when told my husband needed to go in one but it is a marvellous place and the staff could not be more understanding. He has been there 15mths now and I honestly don't think he has deteriorated very much since the beginning except for going completely incontinent and needing help feeding but that would probably have happened in any case.
Perhaps you could get her into Norman Wisdom's home He He.:D:D
All the best in your search and I'm sure you will find somewhere to suit you all.
Love Aileen:)


Registered User
Mar 7, 2008
ramsey, isle of man
katie, jennifer, hazel and aileen
thank you so much for your advice, both of these homes are supposed to be equipped for emi, and mum hasn't even lasted the assesment period in either of them. it seems that our social worker may have found another possibility, we'll know more on monday.
in an attempt to keep mum away from the other residents we took her out yesterday, and had a relatively good day, shopping, picnicing and just pootling in the car.
thanks once again.
em x :)


Registered User
Oct 3, 2007
We're in the same boat!
My MIL went into a residential care home in November.
By Christmas she had been moved into the EMI wing. She hasn't settled well there and is continually anxious, fearful, crying, figiting and doesn't sleep at night.
The staff have had a Dr to her frequently to try to find a medication to calm her.
Two weeks ago she had four succesive falls and the staff thought she may be suffering TIA's. She was admitted to hospital and treated for a UTI but they didn't think she had any strokes.....but I don't think they tested for any, (The Dr. said "you can usually tell, by looking!! Hmmm!)
The hospital omitted to give her the prescribed sedative drugs that the EMI unit had spent weeks trying to find the correct dose and MIL became overly anxious again.
Now that the UTI has been treated and the hospital would like it's bed back, the EMI unit are refusing to let MIL return until the hospital have her anxiety under control.
She will be reassessed again this week but if they refuse to take her back I'm not sure what happens next.
MIL was assessed before entering EMI but they say they are still a residential home not a nursing home and they are not capable of looking after her disruptive nature.
How does that come about if they are an EMI unit?


Registered User
Mar 7, 2008
ramsey, isle of man
just a quick update on my rant. :)

mum has now been moved to an emi unit which is attached to the local cottage hospital. it's not what i would choose for mum, partioned bed in a ward with no private space, but it seems that because she hasn't been 'suitable' for the other emi units it's the best we can hope for.

as a result of her aggressive behaviour, we were asked to take mum out over last weekend to keep her from scaring the other residents too much before the move. i spent a lovely 7 hours with her on saturday afternoon, she seemed very tired but coped brilliantly with one on one communication while we were out. my sister and i had some errands to run, so we went shopping (slowly) and bought some picnic food for tea. after dropping jane at her teaching session, we drove to the nearest beach and had our picnic watching the wind whipping spray from the sea. mum loved it, munching away happily on her sandwich. as we drove back to pick up jane and take mum back to the home, she was tucking into some grapes, picking them of the stem. after a few minutes of silence, she started giggling to herself, 'what?' i asked... 'i've just realised that i've been pulling at my finger,' says mum, 'i thought i was having trouble with that grape.' :rolleyes: guess you had to be there but it was one of the best moments we've had in ages.

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Hello kiytyn,

It does make it agonizing that you can have such a lovely time with someone who is seen to be so disruptive.

Does your mother value her private space or do you value it or her?

Sometimes we need to try to look at the world through the eyes of those being cared for. If they no longer understand or appreciate privacy, perhaps we shouldn`t put too much importance on it. The main thing is for your mother to be settled. I hope she is.

I also hope you enjoy many more good times out together.

Love xx

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