1. grimsby28

    grimsby28 Registered User

    Feb 4, 2008
    hi my days look so dark at the moment i cant see no light at the end of all this my mum seems so unhappy living with us she has change so much this last few months no matter how hard i try to do my best for her its not good enough went out for lunch today with my daughters and had a sitter in well i was the worst daughter in the world my life feels like it is on hold she said she wanted to go in a home yesterday and that made me feel like i was not good enough i have given up so much for her my daughters are so worried about us they said they are fed up of seeing us both so miserable and tell me i look so tired and i am as she does not sleep she wonders around the house most of the night and her mood swings are constant and it is so hard to talk to her as she says i know all the time even when the tv is on she answere back to it when is the right time to put her permantly in a care home the rest of my sisters and my brother say how do you put up with it we could not i am really struggling at the moment i am in constant pain with mr rhumotid arthrites but i cant say anything to her as she does not realize someone help please just a kind word as my mum does not give me any
  2. germain

    germain Registered User

    Jul 7, 2007
    Hello grimsby

    You are doing your very best - no one can do more.

    Perhaps it is time for the next move for your Mum . I'm not sure how much help you have with the care at present but perhaps also some respite care is due so that you can sit down calmly and consider the options.

    Have you got a CPN and a Social Worker ? They can help enormously . You also need a carers assessment for yourself.

    Don't struggle on alone. Insist on some help - lots of people on this site will advise you how to get this.

    But in the meantime

    BIG BIG HUGS - am thinking of you - you will never ever be alone as long as you have us here on TP

  3. SusanB

    SusanB Registered User

    Jan 15, 2008
    Hello, there

    Your post was full of pain and unhappiness and I'm sorry that things are a bit dark at the moment.

    People with dementia are very very tiring, not to mention unpredictable and you would not be doing your Mum a favour were you to carry on with this situation. Could you and your family look at a couple of nursing homes for comparison, just to keep your options open?

    You do need to get your life back and your daughters are right in their assessment of the situaton - who would blame you for wanting that? Noone. Certainly noone on this Forum. We know what it's like.
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello Grimsby.

    If your mother wants to go into a home, let her go. It is no reflection on you, you have done your best, are worn to the ground and still cannot please her.

    It is not about you not being good enough, it`s about your mother having dementia, and perhaps in residential care with a bigger group of people, she might have more to distract her.

    Ask your daughters to help you. You are too tired to look yourself.

    Love xx
  5. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya Grimsby,
    and sad as it is to admit it, it may never ever be good enough again. Not your fault, not your mum's fault, just dementia, that robs us all of so much.

    I think you need to ask yourself 'why is mum living here?'.....is it best for her? Best for you? You feel it is what a good daughter/son/partner should do? I think sometimes residential care is the most loving option that we can take.

    I think that there is also a danger when we only think of the welfare of the person with dementia. You must think of your own well being too.....you have people who love and care and worry about you.....listen to them.

    love, Helen
  6. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #6 Margarita, Apr 2, 2008
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2008
    Your mother sounds like my mother

    If anything like my mother , bet your mother was jealous that you spent time with your daughter not with her , so saying she like to go into care home is a way of controlling you to feel guilty

    I found that if I let it happen , my mother would not let me out of her sight .

    if my mother said she wanted to go live in a care home , I would be saying OK fine go :D

    Has your mother had a yearly assessment on on her mental health?

    how long has the wondering at night happen ? has it just came out of the blue or does it happen in stages ?

    if this wondering at night time has just started to happen they could be a decline happening, so that why your also see a change in her
    behavior getting moody

    Or something worrying her, you may find she may not say how much she
    needs your help , how thank full she is to have you , because she just may be to suborn to admit it, so she picking up on your vibes that your so tried need a break from her .

    so her moods get worse & the wondering at night can get worse . Just something I notice that would happen with my mother .

    Be kind to yourself be your own best friend
  7. heartbroken

    heartbroken Registered User

    Feb 17, 2008
    could your mum go into a home for some respite that will give you sometime to catch up on sleep and think things over, in the meen time please look after yourself bigHugs
  8. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    East Midlands
    Hello Grimsby,

    First..you are not the worst daughter in the world..your mum has problems..you care..and you have your own problems..unless you are physically fit and able you cannot carry on like this..

    Second..your mum has said she wants to go into a home..so why not?
    There does come a point when..no matter how much we love the person we are caring for ..we are not able to continue..that is not admitting failure..that is being strong and acknowledging our love for that person..

    Third..Your daughters are concerned for you..they say you look tired..accept that..it's not a criticism..ask them to help..

    Do you have a social worker..CPN..or could you talk to your GP..

    Ask for help..don't try to do it alone..
    And keep in touch with us here on TP

    Love gigi xx
  9. grimsby28

    grimsby28 Registered User

    Feb 4, 2008
    you made me feel better

    thanyou all for your kind thoughts you are right my mum is jealous of me i do get a carer in every day but when i go in the bath or in another room she comes looking for me she cant bear me out of her sight she has just come home from respite and things are the same she has wondered around the house through the house since she came to live with us a year ago why does she feel she is right all the time and knows everything she cant strike up a conversation of her own she buts in with ours all the time i am trying so hard to be patient but it so hard she is so cold towards everyone my friends my children she does not like anyone coming to visit i am missing so much of my grandchildrens lives and my own children yes they visit but it is so hard when my mum sits yhere arms crossed looking as if she is going to snap at you any time is this all part of the illness
  10. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Hi Grimsby, you sound at the end of your tether. You need to do something now!

    I presume your mum has a social worker? Ringher first thing in the morning. Tell them it's urgent, that you're at the end of your tether, you can't cope any more, and you desperately need help.

    Don't let them put you off, or offer to ring you back. Stay on the line until you speak to someone, and get a promise to visit.

    In the meantime, sit down tonight and work out what you need.

    Do you want your mum to stay with you, with more support? Do you want respite? (You could have emergency respite to give t=you time to recover)? Or do you want your mum to go into permanent care?

    Nothing wrong with any of those solutions, you just have to decide what you want.

    Sorry, I'm laying down the law, but I think you naa someone to tell you waht to do at the moment.

    I do sympathise, it must be awful trying to keep the peace. so I'm sending you love and hugs as well.

    Please try to sort it out in the morning, you can't go on like this.

  11. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    East Midlands
    Hello again, Grimsby,

    I don't think your mum is jealous of you..she sees you as her security..as a child does when its mum isn't there...my husband is doing the same thing at the moment..he needs to know I'm around ..and it is wearing...

    Hazel has laid it on the line..try to work out what you want/need...

    And shout for it...
    Hazel..I don't think you should apologise for "laying down the law"

    Too many of us are left wondering what to do next...

    Love gigi xx
  12. grimsby28

    grimsby28 Registered User

    Feb 4, 2008
    so kind

    you are all so kind and caring and i thank you for that i know i have to make a big decsion and i will try to talk it over with my husband tonight if i get some time on my own with him which is hard as my mum sticks to me like glue and i try to keeep awake till he comes to bed but its hard as he usually stays up till mum settles down its is going to be so hard to make this decsion weather to put her in permant care home as she is my mum and i am suppose to look after her but mentally and physically i cant we have been married for 36 years and it is such a strain on both of us my husband had to give up work 6 years ago to look after me when i got struck down with my illness it took us a long time to adjust to that been together all the time as he always worked but having mum has been worse than we thought we knew she reapted herself constantly and forgot were she was and who we were but nothing can prepare you for how bad things are how sad it all is i have told my children that if i get it no way willi put myself on them as having expereced it my self i could not let them feel as i do so low all the time as much as i love them and they me it will never happen thankyou all
  13. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Grimsby, that is so true. You can read all the books you like, and hear other people's stories, but nothing prepares you for daily grind of living with dementia. And if you're ill too, there's no way you can cope.

    Make that decision tonight, and ring first thing tomorrow.

    You deserve a life too.

  14. grimsby28

    grimsby28 Registered User

    Feb 4, 2008
    decsion time

    j know what i have to do i am hurting both pycically and mentally sorry cant even spell right at moment i do need to get my life back before going to speak with my sisters in morning and brother as all the help in the world wont make my mum get back to how she was before this awful nightmare started she wil just have to get use to me not being at her beck and call and using me to take things out on as other people are more trained than me i sound so selfish i know and i am sorry but i have had enough
  15. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    You do not sound selfish at all Grimsby, you sound like someone who has had more than enough.
  16. lesmisralbles

    lesmisralbles Account Closed

    Nov 23, 2007

    No, not selfish. No, never.
    Barb & Ron X
  17. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006

    They don't change really . the only change I found that stop my mother wondering following me , was when her mobility got worse, but if I am outside talking to long with the lady next door she popping her head outside fount door holding on to zimmer frame asking me to come in .

    I do laugh at myself when she does that now , where before it use to anger me . I think back to how my mother use to be, before dementia she was never like this forwards me.

    If I had a partner living with me , I could not look after mum at home with me , because mum take up so much of my time, that I know a partner would feel left out . someone with a dementia is very very insecure , sacred lost , so need a lot of reassurance of love from the person that care for them .

    & that very hard to do when your getting
    challenging behavior from them

    My mother knows now that she share my time with my children , if she like it or not , but that took her a good 3 years out of 6 years to get to that point .

    I don't have my daughters friend in same room with my mother to long , as she get to agitated confused .

    Don't feel bad or guilty if its all getting to much for you , your husband needs you I only imagine how you much feel spilt in 2 or 3 towards your husband mother then also grandchildren you been marry for long time 32 years to lose it all .

    You only got one life live it the way YOU want xx
  18. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    East Midlands
    Grimsby...we who care can only give so much of ourselves..whether it's Alzheimers/ageing relatives..whatever..

    There does come a point when we need to realise that we can only do so much..the rest is beyond us..what is the point of wearing yourself down to care for your mum..and ultimately destroying yourself...

    Believe me I know about physical and mental pain..you need to let go..

    It may not be easy...but it seems that it will be for the best..take it easy..one step at a time..you're not alone..

    Love gigi xx
  19. hendy

    hendy Registered User

    Feb 20, 2008
    West Yorkshire
    Dear Grimsby
    I was so saddened to read your posts. You have done everyhting and more for your mum. No one can make people better with dementia, no matter what they do. You are not being selfish, you are a lovely, kind and caring daughter who has done her very best to help mum. This disease is so hard to deal with, it challenges everybody. Please dont be frightened to look at the alternatives to caring for mum at home. There are some good points. If you choose a home, you will be able to visit when ever you want and you will be able to have a better relationship with your mum and she will be able to receive professional help when she needs it, you will still be able to care for your mum, helping at meal times etc. No one prepares us for life with dementia, we learn it as we go along. You werent to know how difficult it was going to get, its not your fault Grimsby. Its time to take the pressure off.
    take care
  20. citybythesea

    citybythesea Registered User

    Mar 23, 2008
    coast of texas
    Hugs For You

    Hugs for YOU. I agree with some of the posts that now would be the time to think of changing her living arrangements. Mom is at home with me..she is in stage 7 and tho I was lucky not to have a mean demented patient...I do know that mentally it can be very draining. It will not get easier. I hate to say that.

    I know that the way the system runs in the UK is very different from the US. If you feel that you would prefer her to stay home insist on more help from your siblings. They have an obligation just like you feel you do. Some may give you heart ache...fight for your sanity! I have had to bring in an extra sitter for mom. Insurance does not cover that...but it gives me a much needed rest and a person also who will talk with me about what is going on. I would suggest that you find someone that you can trust and feel comfortable with, bring her around while you are there and maybe have her play games with your mom. If your mother feels you are comfortable with her she will become comfortable after a while. Then gradually you can work yourself into a little more freedom without her being so "hateful". She looks for and foolows you around because YOU are her security and the 1 thing that she can hold onto in her mind.

    Mom no longer recognizes me nor talks, I spoon feed her pureed foods and have to rely on a journal that I keep of her life and mine. There are days that the sitter comes to stay and I just go back into my room, turn off the lights and go back to sleep. I don't recommend someone taking care of a parent who has reached this stage who is not mentally healthy. Pain can take away from that. I also seriously recommend immersing yourself in all the knowledge you can find if you plan to keep her at home. Knowledge is power.

    I hope things get better for you. I have tons of hugs for you.
    With that I also want you to know that her anger is an emotion that she shows you. Because of that you know she still loves you! Eventually her emotions will fade and you will wish for these days again. HUGS TO YOU. You are a wonderful daughter for taking her on and caring so much.


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