Every morning and every evening for the last 18 months or so I've rung my mum. She lives alone, independently. She's had two or three years of forgotten words, misplaced keys and repeated sentences etc but over the last year her mental state has deteriorated significantly and every time I ring I wonder which mum I'm going to speak to.
These days, a third of the time I get the lucid, lively switched on mum; able to laugh at jokes, make plans for mowing the lawn or paying the council tax. She asks about us and talks about her day, albeit of limited interaction, mainly with her excellent neighbours. Two thirds of the time though I have a desperate, lonely, frightened, tearful elderly mum who is having vivid hallucinations, doesn't know where she is, asks about why dad is sitting there but not talking to her (he died 12 years ago), and is hearing 'people' having a shower in her bathroom at 3am. She is in pieces, she can't go on like this (her words), and why won't someone help her? I'm obviously worried and upset by these calls and feel I'm not doing enough. She lives 140 miles away; she won't move near us and I can't (sorry - won't ... although that sounds so mean) uproot my family in that way.
The doctor has spoken to her, performed a memory test in which she came out with flying colours - because it was performed by mum #1 at 10am on a sunny morning. She's been checked for UTIs and prescribed anxiety tablets which she refuses to take, having read the leaflet that comes with them in which side effects range from 'nausea to death'. I have almost lined up carers to come in but these have been refused on the basis of 'strange people in the house' and 'I don't need any help getting dressed etc' - which is true. Carers will also come and go and it's having someone there all day to talk to that would help (mum #2's words). We've therefore discussed a home but she doesn't seem quite ready for that step, given how capable and independent she is in many ways. She baulks at the cost of care homes and frankly wants to put it off as long as possible given the cost.
I don't think there's a perfect solution here. In some ways it's like waiting for her to worsen to the point where she will accept a home (I really am sounding heartless, I'm not really, honest!).
I only discovered this forum by chance and have to say, am sort of relieved in a warped way, that my mum and I are not alone in all this. None of my friends or my husband have parents who have been affected by dementia, at least yet, and it can feel rather isolating and stressful. Reading posts I can see there are many others out there who are also picking themselves up after a call or a visit to a loved one who is half the person they used to be.
These days, a third of the time I get the lucid, lively switched on mum; able to laugh at jokes, make plans for mowing the lawn or paying the council tax. She asks about us and talks about her day, albeit of limited interaction, mainly with her excellent neighbours. Two thirds of the time though I have a desperate, lonely, frightened, tearful elderly mum who is having vivid hallucinations, doesn't know where she is, asks about why dad is sitting there but not talking to her (he died 12 years ago), and is hearing 'people' having a shower in her bathroom at 3am. She is in pieces, she can't go on like this (her words), and why won't someone help her? I'm obviously worried and upset by these calls and feel I'm not doing enough. She lives 140 miles away; she won't move near us and I can't (sorry - won't ... although that sounds so mean) uproot my family in that way.
The doctor has spoken to her, performed a memory test in which she came out with flying colours - because it was performed by mum #1 at 10am on a sunny morning. She's been checked for UTIs and prescribed anxiety tablets which she refuses to take, having read the leaflet that comes with them in which side effects range from 'nausea to death'. I have almost lined up carers to come in but these have been refused on the basis of 'strange people in the house' and 'I don't need any help getting dressed etc' - which is true. Carers will also come and go and it's having someone there all day to talk to that would help (mum #2's words). We've therefore discussed a home but she doesn't seem quite ready for that step, given how capable and independent she is in many ways. She baulks at the cost of care homes and frankly wants to put it off as long as possible given the cost.
I don't think there's a perfect solution here. In some ways it's like waiting for her to worsen to the point where she will accept a home (I really am sounding heartless, I'm not really, honest!).
I only discovered this forum by chance and have to say, am sort of relieved in a warped way, that my mum and I are not alone in all this. None of my friends or my husband have parents who have been affected by dementia, at least yet, and it can feel rather isolating and stressful. Reading posts I can see there are many others out there who are also picking themselves up after a call or a visit to a loved one who is half the person they used to be.
