1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. astra

    astra Registered User

    Jul 2, 2014
    55
    Well after a great deal of whispered talks with social workers and can my oh has now attended two sessions at a day centre...she went without any trouble but on her visit there she was not very communitive and with staff and other patients..however on the second occasion I was informed that she had joined in one or two activities.I feel very guilty when she leaves the house on the morning but it is heaven to have a few "me hours" on her return home she says nothing about her day out which is a surprise as I expected to really get annoyed....I suppose this is telling me that she doesn't know what is happening and again it makes me feel very guilty and frightened because I realise that I am going to lose her sooner than I expected but I do realise it will be the best for her
     
  2. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    2,333
    Pontypool
    It will take her a while to get used to going to day care. My husband was not keen to start with but after a few weeks although he moaned about going he started talking about people he met there and when we moved house he was quite disappointed that he could no longer go to that centre. He has started at a new one but I get no feedback from him about what he has done during a session, but as you say the relief to have a few hours to oneself is immense. Hope things improve.


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     
  3. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    566
    I think each 'change' is hard to adjust to when you realise it's not just a blip but another 'step' along the path but all we can really do is try and do our best to make good, positive choices for our loved one's and that's what you've done Astra so please don't feel guilty.

    The day care will be stimulating for your OH even if she doesn't talk about it much yet - she might after a few visits or she might not - you do often have to rely on feedback from the staff but that's just how it is unfortunately. It will also give you some vital rest and 'me' time as you said - for me it was being able 'switch off' for a few hours rather than always being on high alert, time to have my own thoughts rather than always being 'on duty' and it is vital for your own health to have a bit of time to switch off. Do persevere with it.
     
  4. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,599
    Female
    Scotland
    Like others I get no feedback from my husband because by the time he gets home he has forgotten what he has done. If I prompt too much he makes something up to keep me happy. My Wednesdays are now precious as gold to me. Haircut, painted a wall, made carrot soup, had a roll with smoked salmon and cucumber and opened a bottle of Bucks Fizz left over since Christmas. I am cramming as much into today as I can.

    Freedom!
     
  5. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,599
    Female
    Scotland
    Had to add that John just returned from daycare where they tell me he danced all afternoon! So a good time had by all.
     
  6. astra

    astra Registered User

    Jul 2, 2014
    55
    Well tomorrow is the sixth time oh has attended day care and so far so good. No hassle at all getting her there I just don't mention it until they come and pick her up. I didn't realise how good it is to have six hours stress free.however the downside is I know that she is deterioating very rapidly.am now looking at care homes because I know that the inevitable will be here sooner rather than later.she can't remember where the becroom, toilet etc are..no idea of cutelry and so on but I know that I will not be able to look after her as this bl.....dy disease progresses .twenty four hours a day takes it out of you and although I have always said that a care home would never happen I have come to realise it is nigh on impossible to be alert every minute of the day and if anything happened in the house with her I don't think in fact I know I would blame myself
     
  7. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    566
    Hi Astra I'm glad the day care is going well, I'm sure it was a hard decision to initiate it but clearly it was the right thing for both of you.

    And I'm sorry that your OH is deteriorating but, whilst you may not see it yourself, it is good that are being realistic about the situation as so often people will be in denial about the reality of a LO's true condition which can lead to many more problems.

    Dealing with things before the situation becomes desperate will mean you can check out homes and make the best choice you can. It's a horrible point to reach but you are doing the very best you can for your OH - making sure, when the time comes, she gets the best care to keep her safe and as well as she can be.
     
  8. astra

    astra Registered User

    Jul 2, 2014
    55
    Well the oh has gone into restbite today for the first time for four days. There was no trouble from the oh and I have not received and phone calls from the care home so I presume that all is going well!!!!!..let's hope so. It is so strange that I can sit and enjoy(to a certain extent) not to have the worry of a 24 hour vigil..knowing that the care home is doing it for me.it will be very interesting to see what the outcome is when the oh returns home.
     
  9. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,852
    Suffolk
    Just as a general point, many of the attendees at OHs respite had a little book, in which was written the days activities, staff present and what they had for lunch. Plus any messages either way. Very useful! He's went for 5 years and couldn't remember what they had done from the first!
    Astra, he has now gone into care and is coping pretty well. Don't worry too much.
     
  10. astra

    astra Registered User

    Jul 2, 2014
    55
    Well the oh returned home.no-nastiness quite subdued but otherwise ok..I feel a lot happier now so I am hoping that I can get another period of restbite very shortly. I do believe that having been with other people may the answer as at home there is only me plus visits of friends.i did enjoy the few days of no caring doing what I wanted to do.
     
  11. astra

    astra Registered User

    Jul 2, 2014
    55
    After returning home from three days restbite things started to go downhill within a day or two and I felt that I could not cope so contacted social services etc and the oh was re admitted on the4th of June for further restbite for a week but this was extended for a further week and after long and heartfelt conversions with social worker and can it was decided that a permanent residence would be the best suggestion for the oh and myself. Have visited on several occasions and all seems ok ...no asking about going home so I am hoping that all things will move smoothly along....I feel very guilty but I know in my head that this is the rightdecision as the oh will be looked after and will be in a safe place..but words cannot explain how much the oh is missed
     
  12. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    5,726
    North Somerset
    So sorry to read your post, astra. This is such a difficult time for you as it has been for all of us who have had to make the same decision. I'm afraid the guilt monster will linger for a while. Just keep reminding yourself that your loved one is getting more care than you can possibly provide. Hope he settles well. A big hug.
     
  13. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    566
    I'm sorry you've had to make such a hard decision Astra - all of us who have been there know it is truly heartbreaking even though it's done at a point where there really is no other choice.

    You have done the right thing and your OH will be getting loads more care than is possible at home. It's really good that she seems to have settled so well so quickly. There are a lot of positives amongst the sadnesses - you can spend all day every day with her but without you being exhausted from caring or from lack of sleep so that your time together is much better quality - you can still watch your favourite telly programmes together or whatever your preference is but there's now always someone to help with the caring duties, make lunch, do the washing etc etc. It won't be easy to adjust but you've done it for all the right reasons so don't let that guilt monster have too much of say...
     
  14. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,056
    GLASGOW
    Hello Astra, you should be proud of yourself for being brave and saying that you could no longer cope. You need time to adjust to the change, just as much as your OH does. Its a terrible disease and a terrible situation to be in. None of this is anyones choice so please try not to feel guilty. You had no alternative.

    You are still her carer and partner but in a different way. You get to focus on the better stuff rather than daily grind.

    Bets of luck and be kind to yourself.
     

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