Day Centre

[sonia owen]

Hi All,

My mum has a day at a day centre(The Club as we call it) on a Thursday. On a Tuesday, we bot have been going to a carers social together. I mentioned a few weeks ago that myself and my hubby have booked to go to Sydney to be with our family for Xmas and the new year. I went on my own last time to see our new Grandson. Hubby stayed behind to keep an eye on mum. This time we both want to go together.

I have decided to give mum another day at her club, which I think she enjoys more than, the carers group really. Maybe because when she is on her own with others they tend to try harder and hold their own without their carer with them. Don't think I have explained that very well.
Any advice would be so helpful to me of how to mention to her that she will be picked up on Tuesday morning by the transport that picks her up for the club on a Thurs. I wanted to start the other day now, so she gets used to another day before I go away in Dec.
I know that on that extra day she will have a meal, company etc. As after the carers social, she has always come back to our home for tea, have her hair washed and I make her meals for the next two day, when I don't see her. I asked the club if they would drop her off at our home, so she can still be with us for tea. I don't want her to think I don't want her or something. They said they would do this.

I can't see any point as yet mentioning about our trip to Sydney.
Thanks
Love Sonia xxx

 

[1954]

Hi Sonia

I remember your post about you and hubby going to Australia. I certainly would not mention at all that you are going to Australia. The more you mention it the more anxious your mum will get and she will not be able to reason or remember (would you like me to come along to help with your clothes etc he he!)

I know what you mean about your mum is better on her own at the centre because when I leave my MIL with others she talks more etc. Its as if I am a hindrance to her

Do you need to tell your mum that she is being picked up? Are you able to go over to help her on the bus? Can you make it sound normal that the bus is picking her up?

 

[sonia owen]

Thanks for your reply 1954.
The club and transport is run by our local council. There is always staff on the bus that help the person on and off the bus into their homes.
That's it. They do talk more, on their owns. She would always say to me before the Tues carers group, you never talk to me. Don't be gone long in the toilet. She could be quite nasty to me sometimes. That would be the day I would not mention if she had her earing aids in. As the carers group is run in the same place as the club, she is used to going there with me on a Tuesday. I did ask if they thought I should bring her along and drop her off at the club and I go off to the carers. They thought it would be confusing for her. Better to pick her up from the start.
So really in the long run, I know I am doing the right thing, even if I was not going to OZ.
I can still go along to the carers social for awhile. But it is really is a meet up for carer and the cared for.
I might need to put my little white lies head on. I often will say to her something along the lines, my younger brother who works away all week, thinks that would be a good idea, for you mum. Her reply is does he now. What's it got to do with him then. By the time he see's her at the weekends she has forgotten anyway. He never get's told off its always me being the daughter. Tell me about it LOL
Love Sonia xxx

 

[1954]

What's it got to do with him then.

Sonia

I get the same if I say to MIL 'your daughter M says this or that'

I think you need to tell her what you think will be beneficial to your mum. That will not be exactly what is going to happen. That's what I tell my MIL (I don't call it lies because if I told her the absolute truth she could not take it and would cause unknown anxiety and anger and like your mother would get nasty with me). Anything to ease the things that are going to happen. Sometimes I just say we are going out. I don't even say where we are going. And then I pretend it is for me not her

Oh the tricks we have to play to 'dance' around those with dementia!!! It can be exhausting but not as exhausting as the 'fall out' if she really knew the truth. I am getting used to it now!

 

[1954]

Day centre to go or not

Hubby and I are thinking MIL should start going to a day centre. Does anyone have problems with their loved ones hating it? I am scared stiff to start her going as she will moan that they are all 'old fogies' (her words not mine). I am only thinking of one day every other week. What if she refuses? But I need the break, I really do. Its not that I don't want her living with us but I am with her 24/7 and a day off would be great!

I will be having a volunteer come and be with her 7 hours every other week so maybe I am being selfish or greedy

 

[rajahh]

My husband hates the day centre. He has been going fir 4 years now !

He goes because I tell him I need the break . Some weeks he says no but generally he goes , I tell the dy centre he hates it Nd they do try to find out what he would enjoy, sadly there is not much!

Perhaps you could start by saying that you we're going to have workmen in making a lot of noise and you have found a nice place for her to go while the work is being done. Would sh remembr?

Good luck

 

[1954]

Oh my no she would never remember. I have allocated hubby to take and pick her up as she is less likely to moan and even if she did moan it would fall on deaf ears! You see I would be gutted and tearful is she started moaning to me. I will HAVE to ring them next week to find out the cost and if there any places x

 

[rajahh]

My husbands Day Centre is just under £40 per day this includes transport which they provide. then they need money for lunch which is about 3 or 4 pounds.

Good luck

 

[Witzend]

Oh my no she would never remember. I have allocated hubby to take and pick her up as she is less likely to moan and even if she did moan it would fall on deaf ears! You see I would be gutted and tearful is she started moaning to me. I will HAVE to ring them next week to find out the cost and if there any places x

Thank goodness for hubby - it's a godsend to have someone who can be matter of fact and not be upset and churned up inside by bad reactions. My elder sister and brother were always much better at it than I was.

 

[1954]

Thank you rajahh, I think I was told that the transport was the most expensive bit, which is why I have opted for hubby to step up.

I know witzend, thank goodness for hubby. I think my stress levels would start to increase causing MIL more anxiety. He doesn't 'do' stress with his mum Very matter of fact actually

 

[rajahh]

The transport is not the dearer part. The transport is about £ 2 something like that The actual Day Centre gets the majority. This is because my husband has over £23500 in capital.

It is still worth every penny/

Jeannette

 

[1954]

Jeanette

I can imagine it is worth every penny!!!

 

[withy]

Hubby and I are thinking MIL should start going to a day centre. Does anyone have problems with their loved ones hating it? I am scared stiff to start her going as she will moan that they are all 'old fogies' (her words not mine). I am only thinking of one day every other week. What if she refuses? But I need the break, I really do. Its not that I don't want her living with us but I am with her 24/7 and a day off would be great!

My husband has been going to Day centre one day a week since Easter. He would not entertain the LA one, but an Age UK volunteer who used to take him out suggested an independant one and took us both to see it. He agreed to go for half a day to try it (had lunch there) and was happily playing cards when I called for him. He now goes for the full day, which costs £15, including lunch, but you provide your own transport. I had tried him in respite for 2 nights, it was horrendous for both of us, and I think he realises that this is a better alternative. I get respite vouchers which I can use for the day care, and I thank the "angels" who run it, mostly unpaid, and so different from the Care Home staff.
Hope you can find somewhere as good.
Withy

 

[1954]

Withy

Thank you, you fill me with hope!

My mission this week is to ring and hopefully check out a couple. I have been recommended one.

I am scared but I must start the next stage

 

[rajahh]

1954. You are so right. You say you are scared, but must start the next stage, that is exactly how it is isn,t it?.

W
4years ago when I joined I was distressed about my husbands driving and scared to do anything, through a consultant we got Gordon into a day centre, and I was scared about each Friday, and whether he would go, or would there be an argument.

Then he started to think I was not his wife, and I was scared about handling this.

All of these things are now just the "norm". And there is no fear.

We grow with each stage, each drama, but somehow are never prepared fir the next one !!!!!!

 

[1954]

rajah

yes its amazing how things become 'normal'. Hubby and I were just saying that most of our life alone is spent together in the kitchen or dinning room. This has become normal for us. The lounge has become hers. Mind you in the daytime when hubby is at work I do sit in there with her all day when we are not out and about!

 

[1954]

Todays the day

I am determined to call about day centre fees and if there is a place i.e. vacancy. Actually we have one at the back of the garden but not sure if it is too near to us???

 

[sonia owen]

I have just rang my mum this morning to check she is ok, as I always do. She is not happy with me, for sorting out her going to her club rather than being with me at the carers get together tomorrow. She mentioned that she won't see me till Friday, but she will as they are dropping her off at my home for tea etc.
She kept saying what ever am I going to do all day. What ever I suggested like nip out to get a paper, she can't be bothered. I think this disease is causing her to lose her social skills.
Then she said in a rather off handed tone, I am going now bye. It will no doubt be my fault at the moment. But I hope when she arrives for tea tomorrow she will have enjoyed her extra day at the club.
Sometimes you can't do right can you.
Love Sonia xxx

 

[sonia owen]

Hi All,

All went so well for our mum's extra day yesterday, at her club. Its can sometimes be us as carers who worry the most about what we do and have to do. To do the right things to keep our loved ones happy on their journey through this terrible illness.
I know I have done the right thing, even through it took me going off on hols in Dec to do it.
Thanks for all your comments and support.
Enjoy this beautiful day if you can. Try and do something for you.
Take care.
Love Sonia xxxx

 

[jeany123]

I'm pleased it went well , it is the guilt that makes us worry and it is great when we are worrying about nothing ,

Have a good day

Jeany x