Daughter Getting Married - What to do about Mom?

[mot]

My youngest child (daughter 28) just got engaged. They will marry in mid July. I am struggling with how to (or not) handle my mom and the wedding.

Obviously, my mom can't handle all the showers, rehearsal, etc. My daughter began to cry when I told her we probably needed to exclude mom from everything. Oh the agony!!!!

If we don't include her, Mom has enough cognitive ability to figure out she wasn't invited to the wedding, but not enough to know why - if that makes sense. A week later she probably wouldn't remember, but might. I'm even debating whether or not to tell her that her granddaughter is engaged. Just don't know what to do. Mom usually asks about her and for some reason remembers her boyfriend's name. (go figure)

If I did try to have her at the wedding, I would have to hire a private duty nurse to transport her to and from the wedding ceremony and to "handle" her throughout the service. I just don't think I will be able to focus on my daughter if my mom is there. That's horrible to admit/say/whatever, but that's the way I feel.

Have any of you had a similar situation and if so, how in the world did you handle it???

Thanks,

Mot

 

[Jessbow]

Do exactly that- needn't be a nurse, just ask someone to be totally responsible for her, from getting her there to taking her home and all the bits inbetween.

Make sure this person will take her away at any time, should the going get too difficult for her or any of the wedding party.

Do you have a bro & S in law- they would be ideal

 

[lemonjuice]

Both my sons got married in the past two years, but my mother was so far gone there was no way she could come to either.

6 years ago we went to my cousin's 50th wedding anniversary and we did take my mother.
She seemed rather confused by everything and kept asking me who people were- all her relatives and people she'd known for years.
I had to be with her all the time and we did take her home early, but in her own way she did enjoy an 'occasion' though she had no idea of what occasion it was.

Glad we took her though.

 

[Lynng]

Hi Mot,
I really wish I could give you some words of real wisdom. My son was due to get married this April, unfortunately the wedding has been called off and the relationship ended.

However, as time was passing I was tying myself up in knots worrying about what to "do" about mum. The wedding was to be held at the other end of the country which meant a stay over for at least a couple of nights, and just like you say I knew having mum there would ruin it for me. I know the decision has been taken out of my hands now, but I was coming round to the idea that I just wouldn't take her, would try to find respite for her, although the thought of that made me terribly sad I knew I would be more upset and resentful towards mum about not being able to enjoy the wedding.

I had come to the conclusion that it was important for this special day to be about my son and his new wife just starting their life together, I did not want the day to be all about mum, which is how things are whenever we take her anywhere or when she visits us. I spend all my free time with her and was determined to enjoy this day.

I'm sure it would have been a tough decision but I would have been mortified if she had made the day stressful for anyone.

Don't know if this helps you, I'm sure you'll do what's best, like you say she'll most likely forget, know that sounds awful but it's true.

Best wishes and hope all goes well xx

 

[BR_ANA]

My mum went to my niece wedding. She was on beginning of stage 7.

The list is long:
Wheelchair access.
2 careers (1 couldn't cope alone on restroom in case of emergency).
Seat far from air conditioning and amplifiers.
Taxi booked.
Big nap before party.
Introducing relatives one by one.

She stayed on party for 2 hrs and enjoyed.


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[Chemmy]

However, as time was passing I was tying myself up in knots worrying about what to "do" about mum. The wedding was to be held at the other end of the country which meant a stay over for at least a couple of nights, and just like you say I knew having mum there would ruin it for me. I know the decision has been taken out of my hands now, but I was coming round to the idea that I just wouldn't take her, would try to find respite for her, although the thought of that made me terribly sad I knew I would be more upset and resentful towards mum about not being able to enjoy the wedding.

I had come to the conclusion that it was important for this special day to be about my son and his new wife just starting their life together, I did not want the day to be all about mum, which is how things are whenever we take her anywhere or when she visits us. I spend all my free time with her and was determined to enjoy this day.

I'm sure it would have been a tough decision but I would have been mortified if she had made the day stressful for anyone.

I think Lynng has summed up my view pretty well here. My mum wasn't able to attend my daughter's wedding, but she was too far down the dementia road for it to be an option, so that made the decision easier. But if I were in your shoes, I'd go with my gut feeling on this and not let 'what other people might think' be the deciding factor.

Tbh, my mum struggled with my dad's funeral and that was in the very early days.

 

[Babymare01]

When I got married nearly 3 years ago it was the CH that spoke to me and suggested that mum wouldn't be able to cope with the day - it wasn't a local wedding - and that I would be constantly on "pins" etc. So I decided that mum wouldn't be at my wedding which was a hard decision to make but now I know it was for the best. Me and my daughter had a quiet "mum/Nana " moment together and a couple of tears. When my daughter got married 2 years ago she had a photo of her Nana woven in to her bouquet. Its such a hard decision to make and there is no right or wrong way to think but I know I made the right decision xx

 

[Spamar]

My fil came to our wedding and wanted to leave half way through. Fortunately he had people with him who persuaded him to stay! We didn't realise there was anything wrong with him, but the warning signs were there if we had known what to look for!

35 years ago, start of my journey with dementia! ( fil, father, husband)

 

[Ann Mac]

If we don't include her, Mom has enough cognitive ability to figure out she wasn't invited to the wedding, but not enough to know why - if that makes sense. A week later she probably wouldn't remember, but might. I'm even debating whether or not to tell her that her granddaughter is engaged. Just don't know what to do. Mom usually asks about her and for some reason remembers her boyfriend's name. (go figure)



Mot

Hi Mot,

Not a wedding, but nearly 3 years ago, my Mum in law was at a similar stage when our daughter, her eldest grandchild, was due to graduate. We took Mil to the ceremony - and to be brutally honest, it completely spoiled the day for us. Not because we had to work everything around the fact that Mil was in a wheelchair for most of the day and we had to plan everything out to accomodate that, not because we always had to know where the loo's were and that I spent a good bit of the day taking her to and from the toilet, not even because of the inevitable repetition. It was spoilt because although we had done everything we could to try and make her a part of the day, she simply couldn't cope with the excitement, the change to her routine and the unfamiliar place. It increased her confusion, she was disorientated, possibly scared and as a result she became bad tempered, demanding and was so rude to everyone. She had a completely miserable day - and as a result, although we tried to shield it from oldest (it should have been HER day afterall), so did we. Afterwards I was so upset and resentful because no one had enjoyed the day.

So when oldest graduated as a teacher, a year later - we didn't take Mil. We didn't tell her anything about it, lied through our teeth and said that both OH and I had to go away for work, and we had booked her into a 'nice hotel' for the night so she wouldn't be 'stuck at home alone' (she lived with us) and we went without her, leaving her in respite.

Yes we were sad that she couldn't be part of it, yes we felt guilty that we had had to exclude her and lie to her - but we didn't feel as sad or as guilty as we had the year before, when in trying to include her, the day wasn't enjoyed by anyone - and we were all upset about how it impacted on our girls special day. Its as Lynng says - the day should be about your daughter, not your Mum. If you are having doubts about her being there, then listen to them - for everyones sake, its not a day that can be repeated and its not fair to risk it being spoilt. xxxxx

 

[Batsue]

My nan was undiagnosed but probably at early midle stage when I got married, my mum collected her from the care home and she was chaperoned by someone all day, we had no problem but my nan was a very gentle lady.

 

[Pickles53]

My MIL went to my daughter's wedding but she was with FIL and at the time was happy and content as long as he was by her side. She had no clue what was going on though or why she was there. If the wedding had been six months later, it would have been a disaster and the most unhappy person would have been MIL herself.

I would only consider having mum at the wedding if there is someone with her as a paid chaperone who could take her home immediately and stay with her if things are not going well. It is very hard to predict how someone will react in unfamiliar situations but the sad truth is, as Anne Mac says, it's often not good. This assumes the wedding is local of course; if it's not I think respite care or booking home carers is the only realistic choice.

I wouldn't ask anyone who would be a guest at the wedding anyway to act as chaperone. It's not fair on them to spoil their day either. It has to be someone whose only job is to focus on your mum and do what she needs without any other emotional tie to complicate things.

I can understand why your daughter is so upset that her nana might not be able to come. These types of decisions make you confront just how ill someone is and how much their lives have changed. Maybe they could do something different after the wedding? It depends on the individual what might work but I read on here of one couple who went to visit a relative afterwards in all their wedding finery and they had a quiet little celebration.

 

[Madge99]

We took my Dad to my nephew's wedding a couple of years ago. He started the day off well, when meeting my son's girlfriend for the first time asking her "when are you getting married?" (She was taken aback!) He sat quietly through the ceremony but I don't know how much he understood. When we got to the reception he saw the bride and groom and said "look! it's the same people!"
We didn't stay long at the reception and I don't know how much my Dad understood (and I'm pretty sure he had forgotten it all by the next day) but at least my nephew had his Grandad at his wedding.
I wouldn't say it spoiled the day for us, but either me or my husband was with my Dad all the time.

 

[LadyA]

Hi. Yes, it is difficult at occasions. And will be difficult if you don't have your mom there.

My daughter (my only child) got married over 3 years ago. My husband (I was his second wife, he was 30 years my senior, a widower with a grown up family before we married) was in late stages of the disease, but still at home at the time. He was able to attend the wedding - but only because there were two people who were completely responsible for him on the day, although he was sitting with me. One of his daughters and one of his adult grandsons came to help. They stayed with him while I and dau got ready (I was doing dau's and the 3 bridesmaids' make-up), they watched him after the ceremony while people were milling around and took him home for a nap between the ceremony and reception. And straight after the meal & speeches, when he was obviously tired but as mother of the bride, I couldn't leave the guests so early, they took him home. It worked well, and was really the only way it could have worked.

I would say to try it - if you have to hire someone, do, but is there anyone in the family who could be trusted to take care of your mom? I will say, I am so glad my husband was able to be there. He was so excited - he had seen dau trying on her wedding dress about three weeks before the wedding, and every couple of days between then and the wedding, when we'd get ready to go anywhere, he'd ask "Is it the big white?" - he thought we were going to the wedding (her dress did have a very large, full skirt! And I was even more glad we'd brought him - and so was daughter - because by the time she came home from her honeymoon a couple of weeks later, he'd "lost" her. He kept referring to her as "your friend". Or if she drove in, he would just say "the little blue came" - her car is a small bright blue one. Didn't know her anymore, in the space of two weeks.

PS - My husband's dau would have been enough to keep an eye on him etc. - but we needed his grandson for taking him to the hotel bathrooms at the reception!

 

[Debbi37]

IMHO, I think you have a couple of good options:
Most important: would she be able to handle the excitement that comes with a wedding?
If the answer is yes, then I would definitely hire a private duty aide to be with her. If she is currently living in a facility, consider hiring one the the aides there...someone she feels safe and comfortable with. Consider sitting her (for the ceremony and reception) with someone from the family or friend network that is involved in her life now...that will help her feel more comfortable. If you're going to go the route of having a friend or family member be with her, make sure that they are visiting her often leading up to the wedding...if she becomes over-stimulated, it will be easier for all if she is with someone she connects with.
If the answer is no, then consider staging a wedding before or after the main event...I say that because some people are less traditional and do pictures before the wedding, meaning the bride and groom see each other before the whole aisle scene! If she is living in a facility, consider inviting those other residents that she is most often with...staff as well if appropriate. Consider having a short reception after, and definitely have someone take pictures...lots of them!!
I don't think there's any right or wrong way to involve her...what's most important is that she feels comfortable in whatever environment. And it sounds like for you and your daughter, that she is included in some way. Think outside the box and go with your gut!!

 

[Soobee]

... My daughter began to cry when I told her we probably needed to exclude mom from everything. Oh the agony!!!!...

It's your daughter's wedding. Involve her in any arrangements. She really wants your mom to be there and it would be best to discuss ways and means with her, so that she can be happy that everything is being done to make it possible. If it is not possible, at least she will know why and that every avenue has been explored.

I appreciate it's vital to you too that you are able to focus on your daughter and not your mom for that day. There must be someone who can take over the responsibility for a few hours? Introduce them to your mom now if possible so that they can build up a relationship - hopefully you would both then be confident on the day.

As another option, I do like Debbi37's idea of staging a wedding before or after - or even just your mum seeing the ceremony and then being taken home so you can concentrate on the reception?

 

[Quizbunny]

My eldest son got married last summer and I did not consider having mum there for a moment. Mum would not have understood or enjoyed the occasion and I know I would not have been able to enjoy it either. My son was disappointed that his Nan was not going to be there but he understood the reasoning behind my decision.

 

[mot]

Thank you all for your replies. Am feeling a bit better about everything, but it is still so sad! I met with the administrator, nurse supervisor and the activities director where mom is and they all agreed that mom would be good for about 30 minutes, top. They also voiced concerns that since mom would not be the center of attention she may "act out" to get attention. Yikes! They also told me mom would have to have someone totally responsible for her if I decided to give it a try.

Based on everything you all have said and the advice from memory care staff, I am NOT going to try to take her. I'll leave it up to my daughter to decide if she wants to do something else with her grandmother.

I'll just have to fib or be very creative if she challenges me with questions as to why she was not included. Someone even suggested I tell her that her doctor said she was not well enough to participate. Will have to think about all of this before I know which way I will go with my story.

Thank you all again for sharing your personal experiences!!! It helped tremendously!

Mot

 

[Ann Mac]

Thank you all for your replies. Am feeling a bit better about everything, but it is still so sad! I met with the administrator, nurse supervisor and the activities director where mom is and they all agreed that mom would be good for about 30 minutes, top. They also voiced concerns that since mom would not be the center of attention she may "act out" to get attention. Yikes! They also told me mom would have to have someone totally responsible for her if I decided to give it a try.

Mot

It really is so sad, Mot - Mil was a massive part of my kid's lives, never missed a sports day or school play, came on holiday with us and spent every Christmas/Easter with us. The decision that she could no longer be a part of 'family' occasions in the same way was a heartbreaking one to make, but one that dementia forced on us. The 'acting out' was one of the issues we faced with Mil - and I can assure you that it was a nightmare to deal with. During my daughters graduation, she was furious that she wasn't included in every single photograph (even the ones my daughter asked me to take of her and her friends) and she moaned, used bad language, complained loudly and generally acted as you would expect a spoilt child to behave. She loudly (and rudely) criticised the small buffet that was provided, demanding to leave so she could get 'fish and chips', loudly interrupted us with rude comments if we dared to talk to anyone else and generally 'acted out' in a way that was (being honest) embarrassing, infuriating and exhausting to cope with.

Try and take some comfort in the fact that its probably actually better for your Mum not to be there - Mil didn't enjoy the graduation (or any of the several other family 'days out' that we also tried to include her in), the strange venue, the people she didn't know, the general air of excitement, the change to her routine, all of that left her miserable and confused, and the impact lasted for several days afterwards. It was kinder to her - as well as to us - not to put her through all that.

I hope, despite this, that you are able to enjoy your daughters very special day xxxx

 

[Chemmy]

I think you have made a wise decision, mot. Enjoy your daughter's wedding.

 

[LadyA]

Thank you all for your replies. Am feeling a bit better about everything, but it is still so sad! I met with the administrator, nurse supervisor and the activities director where mom is and they all agreed that mom would be good for about 30 minutes, top. They also voiced concerns that since mom would not be the center of attention she may "act out" to get attention. Yikes! They also told me mom would have to have someone totally responsible for her if I decided to give it a try.

Based on everything you all have said and the advice from memory care staff, I am NOT going to try to take her. I'll leave it up to my daughter to decide if she wants to do something else with her grandmother.

I'll just have to fib or be very creative if she challenges me with questions as to why she was not included. Someone even suggested I tell her that her doctor said she was not well enough to participate. Will have to think about all of this before I know which way I will go with my story.

Thank you all again for sharing your personal experiences!!! It helped tremendously!

Mot

Ah - I hadn't realised that your mom is not living at home still! That would make a difference. My husband (by that stage!) wasn't one to act out, and our home was literally five minutes from the church, so it was much easier. He was on familiar territory all the time. In your circumstances, you've probably made the best decision.

Maybe an option would be for your daughter to dress up in her dress and go and take photos with her gran where your mother lives after the wedding? That way, it would be a special thing for your mom - especially if you go with the doctor saying she's not well enough. It's actually not that unusual here to see brides/bridegrooms going in and out of nursing homes, to have photos taken with grandparents.