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Daughter - Father relationship disappearing

CAREME

Registered User
Mar 9, 2021
11
0
I care for my father who has dementia. I am the youngest daughter so I think my father finds it hard for me to tell him certain stuff (I am telling him or putting things in place to ensure he is safe but he still thinks he can manage and look after himself). I have had to accept I cannot tell my father much (we had a really great relationship when younger) so I have lost that part of my dad and now I feel I am more carer than daughter.

As I am extremely fatigued and emotionally drained, we (my sister and I) are exploring carers. My dad already hates someone coming in every now and then to chat with him and help him when he has signing group so imagine how he is going to be when a carer comes into the house and stays the night whilst I have some time out!

I try and explain why the lady comes and when the carers come and do the assessment we will explain why they are coming in but I get the blame and anger from him whereas my sister can walk away and not have to deal with the grumpiness.

Anyone having any tips on:

A) breaking the news of the carer being introduced when your dementia ‘patient’ still thinks they are capable
B) dealing with the backlash
C) Having to process that your relationship with a loved one changes so drastically
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
73,101
0
Kent
Hello @CAREME

There comes a time when arranging any changes for most people with dementia, the least talk or discussion the better.

My husband resented any intrusion by strangers and absolutely refused to answer questions about himself thinking it no one`s business but his own.

When I had an assessment for him the people assessing agreed to sit with me in the kitchen well out of his way.
I told him they were coming to see if they could help me rather than him.
All along I let him think I was the one who needed help and this was how I managed to get carers in [ to help with housework].

Because there was full cooperation from the agency carers, there was no backlash. They were dementia trained and knew to tread carefully. Slowly they built a relationship with my husband and eventually they were even able to administer personal care.

If you tell the agency precisely what you need, if they are worth their salt they will do everything to comply.

Processing a changing relationship is more difficult, especially when it`s parent/child. All I can say is these people are very poorly. The last thing in the world they would want is to be in a position of dependence and we are the only ones who can make this change acceptable.

The situation is non negotiable and we are the only ones who can make it as good as it can be.
 

CAREME

Registered User
Mar 9, 2021
11
0
Thanks
Hello @CAREME

There comes a time when arranging any changes for most people with dementia, the least talk or discussion the better.

My husband resented any intrusion by strangers and absolutely refused to answer questions about himself thinking it no one`s business but his own.

When I had an assessment for him the people assessing agreed to sit with me in the kitchen well out of his way.
I told him they were coming to see if they could help me rather than him.
All along I let him think I was the one who needed help and this was how I managed to get carers in [ to help with housework].

Because there was full cooperation from the agency carers, there was no backlash. They were dementia trained and knew to tread carefully. Slowly they built a relationship with my husband and eventually they were even able to administer personal care.

If you tell the agency precisely what you need, if they are worth their salt they will do everything to comply.

Processing a changing relationship is more difficult, especially when it`s parent/child. All I can say is these people are very poorly. The last thing in the world they would want is to be in a position of dependence and we are the only ones who can make this change acceptable.

The situation is non negotiable and we are the only ones who can make it as good as it can
Hello @CAREME

There comes a time when arranging any changes for most people with dementia, the least talk or discussion the better.

My husband resented any intrusion by strangers and absolutely refused to answer questions about himself thinking it no one`s business but his own.

When I had an assessment for him the people assessing agreed to sit with me in the kitchen well out of his way.
I told him they were coming to see if they could help me rather than him.
All along I let him think I was the one who needed help and this was how I managed to get carers in [ to help with housework].

Because there was full cooperation from the agency carers, there was no backlash. They were dementia trained and knew to tread carefully. Slowly they built a relationship with my husband and eventually they were even able to administer personal care.

If you tell the agency precisely what you need, if they are worth their salt they will do everything to comply.

Processing a changing relationship is more difficult, especially when it`s parent/child. All I can say is these people are very poorly. The last thing in the world they would want is to be in a position of dependence and we are the only ones who can make this change acceptable.

The situation is non negotiable and we are the only ones who can make it as good as it can be.
Thank you for your response and on some things I do say very little. I guess this is such a huge change But I have to minimise it and as you say make it seem it is help for me :)
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,374
0
High Peak
A couple of suggestions:

1. The carer is a friend of yours who 'needs a little job' so it would be helping you and her if he let her in to help.

2. There's a new government scheme offering free help to over 70s/80s/90s. The person coming is still in training so can he keep an eye on her to see how she does?

Often suggestions like these go down better than 'you need help so she's coming!'
 

CAREME

Registered User
Mar 9, 2021
11
0
A couple of suggestions:

1. The carer is a friend of yours who 'needs a little job' so it would be helping you and her if he let her in to help.

2. There's a new government scheme offering free help to over 70s/80s/90s. The person coming is still in training so can he keep an eye on her to see how she does?

Often suggestions like these go down better than 'you need help so she's coming!'
Brilliant - love the creativity of point 2 ;)