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Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by darcy1, Jan 17, 2015.
My Mum has Alzheimers .I am scared to visit ?
Hi darcy1 and welcome to TP. Does your Mum live at home or in a care home? Why are you scared to visit - is she displaying strange or violent behaviour or is it that you don't know how to talk to her? There are plenty of great fact sheets on this site on all aspects of dementia - might be a good way to start as knowledge can take fear away.
Hello Darcy1 don't be afraid to visit your Mum she needs you so much, My hubby has Alzheimers it is a very slow disease, is your Mum in the early stages, do you have any brothers or sisters who can support you, welcome to talking point there are lots of lovely people here to advise and support you.♡♡♡
mum lives at home in suffolk with her 91 yr husband ...they have care, erratic care .my half sister is part of the team.I live in Twickenham ,London.Mum is apparently going down hill rapidly i.e. night care and very scared .as always I'm sure ....a history ! I would just love to talk with someone who understands.
thanks for your response.
If your Mum is going downhill rapidly it's probably a good idea to visit as soon as you can. You don't want to have regrets as time goes on. Will she still know who you are?
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It's one of those things, the longer you put it off the harder it is to do it, no matter what her situation is she's still your Mother. My wife has AZ and our children visit us less often every year and while she still remembers them I can see it hurts them to come and see her getting worse with every visit. It's tough but how you feel if you go and visit her now surely must be better than you may feel in the future if you don't go and never see her again.
If you leave it too long your Mum might not recognise you anymore after a while. It can also be hurtful to the people who look after her who might think you are simply not interested. So many relatives and friends disappear after a diagnosis. Don't be one of them please.
Hi Darcy1, it's good that you're looking for help and advice even though you're apprehensive of visiting, obviously you care enough not to just bury your head in the sand which I think is what people sometimes do when they're scared.
Can't add very much to the good advice other people have posted. I do hope it's helpful for you and you can get some good contact with your mum.
Can your dad or a carer give you some advice on how your mum is so you know what to expect?
Learning that thinking about things is almost invariably more scary than actually doing them has been really helpful for me.
Hi Darcy....what scares you most? Is it that she might not know who you are? But you will recognise her. If she was sitting in her chair asleep, you would still know it was her. If she talks about things long ago...it will still be her. If she does not know who you are, you will still see your Mum in front of you. If she cannot recognise you as Darcy, you can still smile at her and chat about the things she is doing with her carers or the things you are doing at home or at work, or the meal you went for last weekend, or how cold it is or how busy the shops are......even if she is not being herself ( as you remember her), she will still be Mum.
Go, as soon as you can and remember for her...... before remembering is all that is left.
thankyou for your words.Mum needs personal care now .there are various carers around ..and and I feel /think would cry /upset ....I feel very guilty as well . I would love to have some chats /input ... darcy
I know it must be difficult for you, darcy and that you must be feeling very guilty. As the others have said, please pluck up the courage to visit or you will have that guilt feeling for the rest of your life. It needn't be a long one and it doesn't matter at all if you cry. People will probably expect you to, and once you have been and broken the ice, who knows, you might decide to go again. You must have courage or you wouldn't have been able to admit how you feel so please try to dig just a little bit deeper.
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Please go while you still can, the visit may not be as bad as you fear. If you are worrying about crying in front of your mother then have a couple of excuses ready for leaving the room if you need a few minutes to "let go". Perhaps bring a few flowers so that you have the excuse of hunting for a vase, then when you are back in the room you can chat about them as you arrange them. Popping to the kitchen to make you both drinks is another quick escape, or needing to nip to the toilet.
Although you fear your mother is different you might still have a nice visit - even if she is just happy for you to kiss her and quietly hold her hand.
Please come back and let us know how your visit goes.
Do you know why you feel guilty and are scared to visit in case you cry? No? I do.... it's because you love your Mum and you don't want to lose her. But, you know, you still have the chance to say " I love you" before you have to say " Goodbye".
I visit my poor old Mum now most days....I live nearby and have the time, she doesn't talk much, sits in her chair or lies on her bed dozing. I talk if she wants to chat, I might tell her some news about her great granddaughters...after I explain for the umpteenth time who they are, I chat to the staff or to the guide dog that lives two rooms down. Ten minutes later I leave to go " messages"....then I cry.
She won't hate you for not going....not nearly as much as you hate you be kinder to yourself and go to visit or don't go to visit....forgive yourself, but sling the guilt monster out now.