• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can now be found in our new area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

Dad's violence and aggression to my Mum

sorrel89

Registered User
Feb 14, 2014
33
Uk
Sorry I have not been on here for a while but now I write in desperation. My Dad has dementia, he is heavily medicated. For the last 18 months he has been using aggression and is frequently violent towards my Mum (Only carer). My mum refuses to think about putting him in a home. The police have been called about 8 times over this period, they say this is a medical issue. The psychiatric care team and social services tell my mum this is what is to be expected, I am appalled that they will not take matters into their hands as surely they must be responsible for protecting both vulnerable adults. My Mum refuses to hear my grave concerns, she feels she has nothing to live for. I feel that it is only a matter of time that my mum will be found unconscious or even worse. I want my dad sectioned, he is unsafe, confused ,delusional and has intense paranoia -he does not have capacity yet he has retained wonderful command of the spoken language and therefore seems to have capacity to delude health professionals into thinking that he is more capable than he really is. He is totally confused in time and place. I feel that no one is listening, family included. Should I phone social services and put this through as domestic violence because that is what it is. I am outraged with the lack of support/ advice that has been given. My Mum has been told to manage him at home or put him into a home where she will have to pay. She is also frightened that she will have no money to live on as the financial side is complex. Many Thanks
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,034
Scotland
You badly need some help here but without your Mums consent I don't know what anyone could do. Has a carers assessment been done? Does she have any input from social services?

It will be taken out of her hands if he hurts her and it would be awful if it got to that.
 

marmarlade

Registered User
Jan 26, 2015
183
Sorry I have not been on here for a while but now I write in desperation. My Dad has dementia, he is heavily medicated. For the last 18 months he has been using aggression and is frequently violent towards my Mum (Only carer). My mum refuses to think about putting him in a home. The police have been called about 8 times over this period, they say this is a medical issue. The psychiatric care team and social services tell my mum this is what is to be expected, I am appalled that they will not take matters into their hands as surely they must be responsible for protecting both vulnerable adults. My Mum refuses to hear my grave concerns, she feels she has nothing to live for. I feel that it is only a matter of time that my mum will be found unconscious or even worse. I want my dad sectioned, he is unsafe, confused ,delusional and has intense paranoia -he does not have capacity yet he has retained wonderful command of the spoken language and therefore seems to have capacity to delude health professionals into thinking that he is more capable than he really is. He is totally confused in time and place. I feel that no one is listening, family included. Should I phone social services and put this through as domestic violence because that is what it is. I am outraged with the lack of support/ advice that has been given. My Mum has been told to manage him at home or put him into a home where she will have to pay. She is also frightened that she will have no money to live on as the financial side is complex. Many Thanks
my husband has just gone into care and i to was worried about how to manage do get in touch with age uk they are wonderful they will help you sort out every thing and even come to you to fill in forms ect
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,960
Brixham Devon
You badly need some help here but without your Mums consent I don't know what anyone could do. Has a carers assessment been done? Does she have any input from social services?

It will be taken out of her hands if he hurts her and it would be awful if it got to that.
Exactly right marionq-this is what happened as Pete's violence escalated. I had no say in the matter. It was only by an immense stroke of luck that Pete was accepted at his lovely CH. SS's hadn't pointed me in the direction of that home-all of the ones they did were totally wrong for him. I found the CH and it's so much better if you are proactive in looking.

Sorrell-perhaps your Dad does need to be sectioned in a MHU to assess him. Some meds do control the aggression however, you are up against it if your Mum won't agree as I'm sure her opinion would be listened to over yours. I'm so sorry that you are worried about your parents

Love

Lyn T
 

sorrel89

Registered User
Feb 14, 2014
33
Uk
Thank you LYN T, Marionq and Marmarlade,
I have called Age Uk this afternoon and they are sending me some information about the financial side. I am waiting to speak to the CPN and Psychiatrist's secretary. I will push for a reassessment, he was admitted last year for full assessment and discharged with a care plan but his aggression has not eased with medication. A cares assessment was done last year whilst he had been admitted. It is so very difficult as I understand the powers of social services but I want my parents safe. My mum is finding his care very challenging but she will not give up on him. So utterly heartbreaking. The CPN always turns up way too late after an incident, the police have always been very good and much more timely than any other service....
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,960
Brixham Devon
Bless your Mum, sorrell. Sorry if you have already done this but have you asked your Mum who would look after your Dad if she was hurt by him and she ended up in hospital? He would probably be admitted to an emergency care placement and, from what I understand from this Forum, that placement is not always well thought out -it's just the result of a crisis. What a problem for all concerned.

Love

Lyn T XX
 

sorrel89

Registered User
Feb 14, 2014
33
Uk
Bless your Mum, sorrell. Sorry if you have already done this but have you asked your Mum who would look after your Dad if she was hurt by him and she ended up in hospital? He would probably be admitted to an emergency care placement and, from what I understand from this Forum, that placement is not always well thought out -it's just the result of a crisis. What a problem for all concerned.

Love

Lyn T XX
A very good point LYN T thank you. I have mentioned in the past that as difficult as it is trying to organise care in a controlled manner is far much better than in an emergency scenario. That is why I think the financial aspect and fear of her not having any money to live on has compounded the situation and has put her more firmly in an unsafe place. I will remind her of your point. Thank you again
 

AlsoConfused

Registered User
Sep 17, 2010
1,953
How about having a chat with the Police, explaining your worries and asking them if they've any advice for a worried daughter who fears escalation of the violence? They've come out 8 times recently and can probably see how bad things may get.

Explain you think your Dad is dangerously violent and why you think he should be sectioned. Listen carefully for anything the Police say about having had case conferences with Social Services and others involved in your Mum and Dad's care, any recommendations they've made and so on. Then use any information you've acquired from them in subsequent conversations with CPN and SS.

Good luck. It all sounds horrendous.
 

kenaidog

Registered User
Apr 8, 2013
164
I cant believe the sw is not doing anything. i can tell you if he is like this it will probably go on until his progression just gets worse. My mother was always a fiesty argumentative woman and when she went into a ch she was wild, hitting swearing punching etc, i couldnt have dealt with that on my own at home, something would have happened to me she was very unpredictable. They gave her meds which didnt do that much and i was told it would knock a normal person flat on there back. Your mother needs to ask the doctor to have him sectioned as it will be the only way you are going to resolve this, if they doc thinks hes a real danger he would override anyone else.
It makes me wonder is there not many facilities for your dad where you live, maybe there is not, someone like him will need to be in a severely mentally ill home.I really think you should be getting the doctor out to him when you have a episode so that he can see what is going on.
 

sorrel89

Registered User
Feb 14, 2014
33
Uk
My Dad was such a peaceful man. There have been so many changes within the Psychiatric team that I seriously cannot keep up with it all. Trying to get hold of the CPN's, doctor and SW are a nightmare. It is only the police that have seen my dad in one of his episodes. Doctors and nurses alike arrive when the situation has calmed.The SW was not good. The CPN is now calling me tomorrow and I did not hear anything from the secretary but that does not surprise me. Thanks for your input and responses.
 

kenaidog

Registered User
Apr 8, 2013
164
I think this lisinorpil is that they gave my mam who also takes lansaprazole, antenanol, simvistatin.Its amazing what you can actually take when you have too. oh and memantine too which i honeslty think has made no effect at all on her,
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
2,076
Victoria, Australia
If your dad injures your mother, it could be a good idea to take photos as evidence of what he is capable of. That might convince the people who are taking your dad at face value.
 

Onlyme

Registered User
Apr 5, 2010
4,995
UK
You can record it all on you phone, even the noises and crashes will be enough.
 

Members online

Forum statistics

Threads
113,474
Messages
1,661,164
Members
64,477
Latest member
John Mc Guckin