Dads moving to a home. how do we cope

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by grobertson62, Mar 10, 2011.

  1. grobertson62

    grobertson62 Registered User

    Mar 7, 2011
    581
    Sheffield
    So we got the call this morning. dad can go to the care home on monday.:(
    "Do we want to take him?" "no" said I. Can't face that one,
    I already feel as if I have farmed him out, or given him up for adoption, taking him would just add to my guilt

    What if he hates it? what if he hates me? Will he ever forgive me?

    Time will tell, I am so scared & when I most need a hug the one person in the world I would have gone to is no longer able to give me the comfort I crave

    Who knew this would be so hard?

    Why isn't there a training manual for this?:confused:

    Maybe we should write one or did I miss the manual somewhere

    Its true what they say " Be kind to your kids as they get to chose your nursing home" Good job dad was the best

    oh well we will see what tomorrow bring
     
  2. Nan2seven

    Nan2seven Registered User

    Apr 11, 2009
    2,525
    Dorset
    Dear g robertson,

    I took my husband Brian to a care home for permanent residential care on 4th February, so know just how you are feeling.

    Did your dad ever go into respite? Has he stayed in a care home before, for a week, say, in order to give you a break from caring? Brian had over the previous year about five or six stays in different care homes (a week every two to three months) and this did help "pave the way". Brian also has vascular dementia and has had it for about three years now. (You do not say how long your dear dad has had it.)

    I took Brian to the care home myself and gave him to understand that he was again "giving me a break from caring". I did not tell him it was a permanent arrangement. His idea of time is now very elastic and I am quite sure he has no idea how long he has been there. (He is in hospital at this moment, but that is another story.)

    I pop in to see him most days and I think he thinks I am somewhere in the building most of the time. I do not tell him I am "going home" when I leave, merely that I have to go and do some shopping or get to the bank and will see him "later". My visits quite often tire him and I sometimes suggest he has a "nap before tea" and creep away when he nods off. Oh, and that reminds me, time your dad's arrival at the care home so that he is taken off for a meal shortly after you get there. That will make it easier for you both.

    I know how you feel about having come to the decision about permanent care. It's heartrending.

    Thinking of you and sending love,
    Nan XXX
     
  3. catbells

    catbells Registered User

    Jun 14, 2010
    384
    Cambridgeshire
    Hi Grobertson62. You will survive on Monday, it is surprising where the strength comes from. We can be strong in front of our loved ones, then crash as soon as we are out of sight. I think you might regret it if you don`t take him into care yourself, if you have family support with you this will help, the carers are also very experienced and will support you also. Your comfort is that you are doing the right thing for him and your family. The anticipation is always worse than the actual and you both will come through it. Take one day at a time, don`t look beyond that, its fatal. It almost destroyed me the day I moved my Mum into extra care accommodation. We were both supported by the excellent care staff who have seen this all before. It took her about 10 days before she began to relax. My Mum is now safe and secure and although does not recognised she has a problem has accepted the move. I cannot tell you of the weight of the worry and responsiblity that lifted off my shoulders within days, knowing I had to do this and was the best for my Mum. Now 4 months on and the dementia progresses, I visit each day and spend quality time with her, sometimes quiet and just holding hands, sometimes taking her out for a short visit to the pub for tea and biscuits then to the supermarket, as soon this is not going to be possible. I don`t want to have any regrets,
    It is a terrible time for you and my heart and prayers go out to you, but please don`t beat yourself up. Its so easy to go on the guilt trip. Just keep saying this is best for Dad. I too gained a lot of support from some wonderful people on TP reassuring me that this was for the best. Take one day at a time.
    Please post and let us know how it went on Monday.
    Heather x:):):)
     
  4. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    7,942
    North East England
    Hi G... well life doesn't come with a manual otherwise there'd be a rapid decline in the birth rate.:)
    What if he likes it? What if he is grateful? As you say, time will tell. But there really is a chance that he'll say my family have done the right thing in helping me this way and yes I wish I wasn't here, but let's give it a fair trial. I wish you a good sleep and a happy tomorrow..Maureen.
     
  5. grobertson62

    grobertson62 Registered User

    Mar 7, 2011
    581
    Sheffield
    Thank you Heather & Maureen
    I am beating myself up & looking at the glass half empty, you are right he could like it! I must admit that thought hadn't really occurred to me. Stupid or what?

    After all thats why we spent so much time trying to pick the right place, so he would like it! Duh:rolleyes:

    tomorrow will be hard as we start to empty the house to take his belongings to the home

    once again Thanks

    Gill
     
  6. catbells

    catbells Registered User

    Jun 14, 2010
    384
    Cambridgeshire
    Hi Gill, It is going to be horrible, but keep a bottle handy for Monday night, you`ll need it! Keep positive. Let me know how you get on. I`m away next week (not been away for 12 months) but I`ll look out for your posting on my return.
    You are a loving daughter doing what is best for your presciou Dad and one day he`ll thank you.
    Big huge hug for you from me Heather xxxxxxxxxxx
     
  7. Loopiloo

    Loopiloo Registered User

    May 10, 2010
    6,118
    Female
    Scotland
    Hello Gill

    You are a few steps ahead of me. I have only started looking at care homes, two this week. But I can deeply empathise with your feelngs and will be thinking of you on Monday.

    Some good advice here, which I am also taking on board. So many here have had to go through this, and understand, and know the pain.

    At present my husband is in hospital and when I leave him I do what Nan does:



    Hoping you have found the replies to your post do help, and that it goes smoothly for your Dad and you. Do let us know?

    Love
    Loo xx
     
  8. oldsoulchild

    oldsoulchild Registered User

    Apr 16, 2008
    54
    hi

    i know exactly how you feel. my mam is my only family and i had to make the decision in july last year to put her into a care home. i couldnt manage looking after her and as much as i'd like to say i wanted to...i didnt. its heartbreaking to see the change in someone who's always been there for you and now the shoe is on the other foot. i hope its some comfort to you to know that my mam settled in surprisingly well and very quickly. she hadnt had respite but had been to the home twice for lunch. the day i took her in is probably one of the saddest days of my life. i was told she would be going in, then i was told it would be the next day, i took her for her lunch anyway and while she was there the necessary paper work was done and she never came home. i could hardly look at her and find it very difficult to visit and to accept whats happening. the staff love her and always giving her hugs and kisses. I ABSOLUTELY KNOW ITS THE RIGHT PLACE FOR HER and thats what you have to remember. you deserve a life and your dad will be safe and cared for. sorry ive gone on a bit of a rant but it helped me a lot to be on this site and read that people had already been through it. be strong when you take him in, and fall apart when you leave him...he'll be fine. good luck xx
     
  9. catbells

    catbells Registered User

    Jun 14, 2010
    384
    Cambridgeshire
    Absolutely. I had a few tears today as I said cherrio to my Mum, I`m only going away for a week, but she kept thanking me for looking after her and how wonderful to have time with my husband, so grateful for my care, it just got to me, I could hardly speak to her as I was leaving. The carers at the home will keep an extra eye as I`m sure she will pine for me. I will miss seeing her. I will ring her daily. I know I will be emotional on our reunion, but I can now be a wife, and mother and grandmother again, and the real me is slowly re-emerging after a terrible 12 months. Again good luck. Let us know how you get on.
    Heather x:)
     
  10. grobertson62

    grobertson62 Registered User

    Mar 7, 2011
    581
    Sheffield
    only one more day then dad moves

    Today was the day we started to pack up dads things, It was so hard as it has suddenly made it all so real.
    This is really happening, dad is not going to have some miraculous recovery which will allow him to come home

    we went to the home & it was really nice even the lady from the laundry & the cook came to see us
    the first to check we had labelled everything & where to go if things didn't get back to him from the laundry
    the second to check if dad had any likes or dislikes regarding food
    even said if he liked a tipple at night to let them know & they would ensure he gets it.

    chris one of the carers brought us a tray of tea ( mind you we shall refuse him next time as he put 10 (yes TEN) Tea bags in the pot. lovely gesture though. He came to check if dad prefers wet shave or electric. How nice is that?

    Our Gut feeling about the home seems to have paid off, lets hope it bodes well. Don't think I will be getting much sleep for the next few nights;)
     
  11. grobertson62

    grobertson62 Registered User

    Mar 7, 2011
    581
    Sheffield
    Thank you

    Thank you all for your kind words it is nice to know others have been or are going thro the same

    Loo I hope you find the right place, I think you will know when it feels right> It will be better than the hospital , we don't tell dad we are going home either & spend a lot of time telling him we can't take him as we have to catch the bus to work. ( he is obsessed with us having the car!)

    Nan I hope Brian is doing ok & you too I am told we have to look after ourselves (something I am not doing so well on at the moment!), dads had vascular dementia for four years


    Heather have a great break & try & relax (something else I can't do at the moment!LOL:rolleyes:)

    Oldsoulchild thank you for sharing your mums & your experience I pray it will be the same for us. My head says we are doing the right thing, the heart is taking a little catching up


    Thanks Gill
     
  12. Loopiloo

    Loopiloo Registered User

    May 10, 2010
    6,118
    Female
    Scotland
    Gill, this is exactly how I feel and I wonder if my heart will ever catch up. I deeply empathise with you. But so many, sadly, have gone through this and it is comforting to read about good outcomes, isn't it.

    Thanks Gill, and I do hope I will know when it feels right as you did and that my gut feeling kicks in. At the moment having visited two homes and then read a terrible Care Commission Report about one I intended visting this week, I am very down.

    My daughter and husband who live 150 miles away are coming this afternoon, staying overnight, en route home from visiting son-in-law's family. I am going to find it very difficult to switch my mind off our situation and appear "normal" as it is all I can think about, all the various aspects of it.

    Four months now since my husband fractured his hip, went into hospital. Although for the past two months he is in a rehab hospital for elderly physically and mentally frail and over recent weeks has actually settled in. The staff and environment are so good, more like a care home than a hospital, I wish he could stay there. But sorry to write about us, difficult not to constantly dwell on it.

    Shall be thinking of you tomorow and hearing from you about your Dad, how it goes. I do hope he settles in well, and that eventually you can remember how to relax again, knowing he is being well cared for. Some encouraging posts here and I hope they have helped.

    Love
    Loo xx
     
  13. grobertson62

    grobertson62 Registered User

    Mar 7, 2011
    581
    Sheffield
    relax

    Relax! whats that? I seemed to remember something about that lst year but since then nothing

    lets hope mondays move goes well
     
  14. BeckHux

    BeckHux Registered User

    Jan 20, 2010
    118
    Devon
    My Dad is currently on a mental health assessment ward and has been for 2 months. Prior to this he went into respite and we had to bring him home after less than a day as his behaviour was too difficult. I thought he would never settle anywhere.

    BUT he has settled so well in to the ward that he never asks to come home with us and almost seems to be happier in an environment where there are no pressures on him at all. Sometimes what you dread can actually work out best for the person involved.

    Thinking of you and everyone on here, we are all together in trying to cope with this awful illness the best we can.

    xx
     
  15. Jo1958

    Jo1958 Registered User

    Mar 31, 2010
    3,724
    Yorkshire
    Gill, hi
    I do hope tomorrow goes well and your dad settles well and quickly.
    Take good care of yourself, with kind regards from Jo
     
  16. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    7,788
    East Midlands
    Hello Gill,

    I too hope all goes well tomorrow.

    It's not an easy time, but it becomes easier as time moves on.

    My husband went into permanent care last June straight from emergency respite..I suffered a breakdown from caring alone for too long.

    I had no choice in the end..we're fortunate that things have worked out ok and he is actually physically much better where he is.

    Fingers crossed for you...try to bury the Guilt Monster....:D

    Let us know how it goes.

    Love xx
     
  17. Nan2seven

    Nan2seven Registered User

    Apr 11, 2009
    2,525
    Dorset
    Dear Gill,
    Will be thinking of you and your dad tomorrow.
    Do hope all goes well and that he settles fairly quickly.
    From what you have written, it sounds like a nice place.
    Have a definite plan in mind to DO something afterwards.
    Buy something for the garden, the house, or for yourself, perhaps a new book to immerse yourself in.
    And if you feel up to it, let us know how things went.
    Love, Nan XXX
     
  18. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    70,084
    Kent
    Dear Gill

    Wishing you well for today.

    It won`t be easy but it`s a necessary move. You know your father will be given the 24/7 care which you would be unable to give.

    The home sounds good and I hope it lives up to expectations.
     
  19. sallyc

    sallyc Registered User

    Aug 20, 2008
    1,674
    suffolk
    Thinking of you today Gill, and hoping the move goes as well as it can.
     
  20. gledhill

    gledhill Registered User

    Jan 2, 2011
    7
    halifax
    hi grobertson69

    i know how you feel my dad went into his care home today aswell,
    but at least he has had 6 weeks in respite but saying that they dident really care for him, im so glad that he has moved from there.my dad hasent been diagnosed with dementia yet .he has to go to the mind clinic tomorrow so we will know more then .but he couldent look after his self at home .then 9 weeks ago he had an accident on his scooter and ran into the back of a bus ,he went into hospital because he had bumped his head.they let him fall out of bed and he broke his hip and wrist then they let him home 3 weeks later even though we said he couldent cope at home even with cares coming in 4 times a day,but they said he had to go home that was 7 weeks ago he only spent that night at home and then he went back to a&e on the tuesday and then back to a&e on the wednesday so they put him in respite for 6 weeks but he dident want to go back home he wanted to go into a care home as he doesent feel safe anymore at home .it must be really hard if they dont want to go
    i hope your dad settles in okay and that he likes it were he has gone .im keeping my fingers crossed that my dad likes were he is as he is one of the youngest in there as he is only 62.
     

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